TT~> 


EA 


EDWARD 


OF  THS 

UNIVERSITY 

OF 


REUBEN    LARKMEAD 


His  ticket  had  drawn  a  prize 

Frontispiece.     Page  12 


Reuben  Larkmead 

A  Story  of  Worldlings 


By 
EDWARD  W.  TOWNSEND 


In  idle  wishes  fools  supinely  stay; 

Be  there  a  will,  and  Wisdom  finds  a  way. 

— CRABBE. 


ILLUSTRATIONS  BY  WALLACE  MORGAN 


G>  W.  DILLINGHAM  COMPANY 
PUBLISHERS  NEW  YORK 


COPYRIGHT,  1905,  BY 
G.  W.  DILLINGHAM  COMPANY 

Issued  March,  1905 
Reuben  Larkmead 


CONTENTS 

I.  HEARTS  AND  COACHES     .          .          ,          ,9 

II.  DICE  AND  DIAMONDS        .          .          .          .        28 

III.  THE  PENALTY  OF  POPULARITY  ,         ,48 

IV.  A  WIDOW'S  ADVICE         .          .         .         -65 
V.  CUPID  AND  POLITICS        ....       79 

VI.  THE  MYSTERY  OF  INCOMES       ...       98 

VII.  A  WORLDLING  ON  SOCIETY       .          ,          .114 

VIII.  THE  MARRIAGE  MARKET          .          .          .132 

IX.  OF  LOVE  AND  ADORATION        .         .         .154 

X.  Is  CUPID  A  CROOK.        .          .         .         .171 

XI.  UNEXPECTED  WEDDING  BELLS  .                   .188 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS 

PAGE 

His  ticket  had  drawn  a  prize  .          .  Frontispiece  1 2 

"  How's  Beet  Preferred  this  morning?"   .          .  16 

A  merry  party  for  the  races     ....  40 

"  What's  that  kid  been  doing  ? "      .          .          .  67 

That  ruffian's  throat  in  my  hands      ...  94 

"  I  beg  you  to  be  calm "        .          .          .         .  109 

"  I  know  your  Uncle's  wants "        .          •          .  123 

"The  cunningest  thing  on  earth!"            .          .  142 
Sang  the  chorus  with  Frances            .          .          .166 

«« Widdies  get  awfully  lonesome"    .          .          .  185 

An  uninterrupted  afternoon       ...  197 


Illustrations  by  courtesy  of 
The  New  York  Herald. 


CHAPTER  ONE 

HEARTS  AND  COACHES 


HAD  been  in  New  York  sev 
eral  days  without  calling  on 
my  Aunt  Sarah,  to  whom  I 
had  been  commended  by  my 
Uncle  Silas,  her  brother,  but 
felt  justified  in  this  delay 
because  Uncle  Silas  had  sug 
gested  that  I  enjoy  a  few  days  of  uncon 
ventional  sightseeing  before  entering  upon 
the  social  life  Aunt  Sarah  would  open  for 
me.  In  following  my  uncle's  suggestion  I 
early  had  occasion  to  recall  his  whimsical 
offer  to  wager  me  a  thousand  shares  of  Beet 
Sugar  Preferred  that  I  would  have  some 
adventures  worth  telling.  Surely,  I  had 
such  adventures,  and  it  is  those  I  am  now 
about  to  record  in  an  orderly  manner; 
9 


Reuben  Larkmead 


believing  them,  of  their  own  substance, 
to  be  worth  writing  down,  and  further 
moved  thereto  by  a  wish  to  give  warning 
of  temptations  endangering  the  paths  of 
young  gentlemen  of  wealth  making  their 
first  visit  to  our  mighty  metropolis. 

If  all  these  adventures  do  not  relate  to 
the  works  of  the  righteous,  but  at  times 
reveal  the  activities  of  the  wicked,  yet  is 
their  value  none  the  less  as  warning,  or 
as  studies  in  sociology.  But  not  alone 
the  sinful  come  within  the  circle  of  my 
experience ;  highly  placed  men  and 
women,  as  strongly  moved  by  ambition 
as  the  lowly  by  less  estimable  motives, 
will  be  found  among  the  persons  of  my 
truthful  drama-comedy. 

Upon  arriving  in  New  York  I  put  up 
at  the  hotel  recommended  by  Uncle  Silas, 
and  while  its  comforts  were  all  that  he 
pictured  them  from  his  own  experience, 
its  expensiveness  surprised  me,  and  would 
10 


Hearts  and  Coaches 


have  been  an  embarrassment  were  not  my 
inherited  holdings  in  Beet  Sugar  Pre 
ferred  a  justification  for  such  liberality  in 
expenditures  as  becomes  a  gentleman  of 
wealth.  It  was  a  disappointment  not  to 
find  in  the  hotel  a  central  stove  around 
which  gentlemen  gathered  after  supper  to 
discuss  the  price  of  beets  and  the  tariff 
on  sugar,  as  is  the  pleasant  and  instruc 
tive  custom  at  the  inn  at  home.  But  I 
soon  found  that  New  Yorkers  are  not,  as 
are  the  citizens  of  Beetville,  disposed  to 
make  acquaintance  without  formal  intro 
duction.  Several  I  spoke  to  rudely  stared 
at  me  without  replying,  and  passed  on, 
although  one  threatened  to  call  the  police 
if  I  tried  any  confidence  game  on  him. 
Alas,  I  did  not  then  know  what  he 
meant ! 

Thus  it  was  that,  in  this  state  of  en 
forced  loneliness,  I  was  well  pleased  to 
have    a    gentleman    I    met    in    Trinity 
11 


Reuben  Larkmead 


churchyard  accost  me  pleasantly.  We 
were  soon  in  friendly  conversation  which 
was  interrupted  by  the  appearance  of  a 
businesslike  looking  person  who  came  to 
inform  my  companion  that  his  ticket  in 
a  lottery  had  drawn  a  thousand  dollar 
prize.  The  lucky  winner  was  delighted 
to  hear  this,  but  having  an  important  en 
gagement  up  town  gave  me  the  ticket  to 
collect  for  him,  accepting  from  me  a  hun 
dred  dollars  which  he  suggested  would  be 
a  merely  formal  guarantee  that  I  would 
meet  him  at  my  hotel  in  the  evening  to 
settle  our  account.  He  then  hurried  to  a 
subway  station  to  keep  his  engagement, 
leaving  me  to  collect  the  prize,  for  which 
purpose  I  was  to  accompany  the  agent  to 
the  lottery  office.  In  the  crowd  of  Broad 
way  I  soon  lost  the  agent,  and  to  my 
further  bewilderment  the  prize  winner 
failed  to  appear  at  the  hotel  that  evening. 
Fearing  that  the  winner  might  be  in 
12 


Hearts  and  Coaches 


trouble  I  related  some  account  of  the  af 
fair  to  the  hotel  detective,  and  asked  his 
advice.  With  much  patience  the  detect 
ive  disclosed  certain  facts  to  me  which 
hastened  my  resolve  to  seek  only  such 
society  as  would  be  provided  for  me  by 
my  Aunt  Sarah. 

I  found  my  aunt  to  be  a  lady  of  extreme 
elegance  of  manner  and  abiding  in  a 
house  of  elaborate  richness,  excelling  my 
own  two-story  mansion  in  Beetville.  She 
received  me  with  great  cordiality,  but 
embarrassed  me  overmuch  by  dwelling 
on  my  large  fortune.  Such  matters  are 
considered  more  deeply  in  New  York 
than  with  us  in  the  West. 

I  was  puzzled,  too,  by  aunt's  statement 
that,  the  extent  of  my  fortune  being 
known  among  her  neighbors,  or,  as  she 
said,  "  in  my  set,"  she  would  have  no  dif 
ficulty  in  finding  me  a  proper  wife.  Poor, 
dear  aunt !  She  really  seemed  to  think 
13 


Reuben  Larkmead 


that  I  would  marry  a  girl  I  could  not  win 
by  my  own  ungilded  worth.  But  these 
are  idle  speculations  and  I  shall  proceed 
with  an  account  of  my  adventures. 

I  accepted  aunt's  invitation  to  dinner, 
and  there  first  met  my  Cousin  Josephine, 
a  young  person  of  some  pretensions  to 
beauty,  but,  to  my  mind,  too  frivolous  to 
be  acceptable  in  intellectual  society. 
Still,  all  the  young  men  at  dinner  except 
me  were  devoted  to  her,  and  were  enter 
tained  by  her  pert  comments  on  worldly 
subjects  in  which  I  then  thought  the 
young  human  female  should  be  but  little 
informed. 

Her  frivolity  of  speech  was  in  contrast 
with  that  of  a  lady  guest  at  dinner,  a 
Mrs.  Jack  Lacquerre.  She  was  a  widow, 
my  elder  by  some  years,  perhaps,  but  the 
most  charming  of  her  sex  it  had  ever 
been  my  happiness  to  know.  Unlike 
Cousin  Josephine,  she  did  not  always  talk 
14 


Hearts  and  Coaches 


of  golf,  tennis,  the  "  ponies  " — which  tri 
fling  word  is  employed  to  mean  race 
horses — but  was  disposed  to  listen  with 
agreeable  interest  to  my  informing  re 
marks  on  the  future  of  beet  sugar,  and 
the  wickedness  of  those  who  would  let 
the  stealthy  products  of  our  insular  pos 
sessions — namely,  cane  sugar — creep  into 
our  unprotected  homes  free  of  duty,  to 
the  destruction  of  an  infant  but  profitable 
industry. 

While  she  seemed  to  understand  the 
childish  chatter  of  the  others  about  the 
ponies  and  kindred  subjects,  she  did  not 
leave  me  out  of  the  conversation,  as  did 
the  others,  when  they  saw  my  amiable 
purpose  to  instruct  them  on  a  point  of 
political  economics.  I  was  aware,  too, 
that  to  her  I  was  indebted  for  an  invita 
tion  a  young  man  gave  me  to  become  one 
of  a  coaching  party  to  drive  to  a  country 
club  the  next  day  for  lunch. 
15 


Reuben  Larkmead 


I  went  on  the  coach  and  was  delighted 
to  find  myself  placed  by  the  side  of  Mrs. 
Lacquerre.  Some  of  the  young  gentle 
men  must  have  felt  penitent  about  their 
indifference  to  my  improving  conversa 
tion  of  the  evening  before,  for  they 
greeted  me  with  hearty  inquiries,  such  as 
"  How's  Beet  Preferred  this  morning  ?" 
and  "  When  will  it  be  made  a  crime  to 
sweeten  black  coffee  with  cane  sugar  ?  " 

Finding  them  thus  disposed  to  take  a 
rational  view  of  the  real  interests  of  life, 
I  delivered  to  them  the  speech  I  made  be 
fore  the  Beet  Grinders'  Trust  at  a  stock 
holders'  meeting.  My  oratory,  which  I 
know  to  be  thrilling,  was  received  with 
frequent  outbursts  of  appreciative  laugh 
ter,  although  I  had  never  before  discov 
ered  its  humorous  points. 

Humor,  while  it  is  a  mental  attribute  I 
held  in  but  slight  esteem,  I  determined  to 
cultivate  for  its  aid  on  the  political  ros- 
16 


How's  Beet  Preferred  this  morning?" — Page  16 


Hearts  and  Coaches 


trum,  for  one  of  the  young  gentlemen 
assured  me  that  if  I  would  deliver  that 
speech  before  a  district  club  meeting 
here,  even  the  police  would  have  diffi 
culty  in  attending  to  the  things  which 
would  happen.  These  tributes  to  my 
eloquence  prompted  me  to  offer  to  make 
another  speech,  but  Mrs.  Lacquerre 
begged  me  not  to,  saying  that  too  much 
of  a  good  thing  would  throw  the  young 
gentlemen  into  fits. 

My  fair  companion  called  attention  to 
our  host's  driving,  and  it  surprised  me  to 
learn  that  mere  ability  to  handle  reins — 
which  is  possessed  by  every  car  driver — 
was  so  highly  esteemed  by  her.  I  saw 
that  to  be  a  real  hero  in  that  life  one,  be 
sides  possessing  the  rare  qualities  I  had, 
must  also  be  able  to  do  something  in  the 
way  of  sports,  like  driving  a  coach  or  a 
golf  ball.  While  this  surprised  me,  I  was 
too  much  a  man  of  the  world  not  to  recog- 
17 


Reuben  Larkmead 


nize  what  my  place  in  society  demanded, 
so  I  determined  to  take  up  coaching  at 
once.  Especially  did  I  resolve  to  do 
this  when  Mrs.  Lacquerre  remarked : 
"  Coaching  is  a  stunning  sport,  and  I  can 
drive  any  four  that  ever  looked  through 
bridles,  but  it's  so  deuced  expensive  a 
beggar  like  me  has  to  pass  it  up." 

Then  I  instantly  resolved  to  present  her 
a  coach  and  four,  and  when  we  arrived  at 
the  club  house  I  called  aside  one  of  the 
hired  men  who  had  been  playing  a  horn 
on  the  coach,  but  without  much  musical 
results,  and  told  him  that  if  he  knew  of  a 
proper  turnout  for  sale  to  let  me  have 
particulars.  He  replied  that  it  was  lucky 
I  had  spoken  to  him,  as  he  chanced  to 
know  of  a  great  bargain — if  it  had  not 
been  snapped  up.  He  kindly  offered  to 
telephone  into  town  and  learn.  It  seemed, 
as  he  explained,  that  a  gentleman  who 
had  lost  heavily  in  Wall  Street  was  dis- 
18 


Hearts  and  Coaches 


posing  of  a  coach  and  four  at  a  sacrifice. 
The  hired  man  told  me  not  to  mention  it 
to  any  of  our  party,  as  they  would  be 
keen  to  take  advantage  of  the  chance  and 
thus  spoil  our  bargain. 

I  begged  him  to  hasten  to  the  telephone 
at  once,  and,  having  arranged  so  good  a 
thing,  I  cheerfully  accompanied  our  party 
out  into  the  field,  where  a  number  of 
people  were  engaged  in  playing  the  fash 
ionable  game  of  golf.  The  game  did  not 
appeal  to  me ;  its  purpose  being,  so  far  as 
I  could  discover,  to  displace  a  small  sphere 
from  one  location  and  replace  it  in  an 
other,  the  first  location  being  on  a  slight 
elevation  of  moist  sand,  the  second  being 
a  slight  depression  or  recess  in  the  turf. 

I  sagely  pointed  out  to  Mrs.  Lacquerre 
that  the  feat  could  be  accomplished  with 
less  exertion  and  more  certainty  if  the 
player  should  take  the  sphere  by  hand 
from  the  sand  hill  and  deposit  it  by  hand 
19 


Reuben  Larkmead 


into  the  slight  depression  or  recess,  called 
the  hole,  instead  of  endeavoring  to  do  so 
by  the  aid  of  various  implements  of  wood 
and  iron,  swung  with  energy,  but  fre 
quently  without  results  adequate  to  the 
force  employed. 

She  said  that  if  I  felt  that  way  about 
the  game  we  had  better  not  follow  the 
players,  but  sit  in  the  shade  of  a  tree  and 
wait  for  our  party,  who  would  stroll  the 
links  until  they  had  appetites  for  lunch. 
We  did  so,  while  I  conversed  on  various 
topics  with  her,  among  them  the  value 
of  land  fertilizers.  She  was  deeply  im 
pressed  by  my  earnestness  and  erudition, 
and  sat  on  the  turf,  reclining  against  a 
tree,  her  parasol  shading  her  eyes  from 
my  .view,  and  so  silent,  except  for  her 
light  regular  breathing,  I  felt  that  I  had 
never  before  had  so  appreciative  a  listener. 

At  once  to  my  confession ;  I  fell  deeply 
in  love  with  Mrs.  Lacquerre  at  that  mo- 


Hearts  and  Coaches 


ment.  It  was  not  her  beauty,  grace,  so 
cial  position  alone  which  enthralled  me, 
but  the  discovery  of  a  congenial  spirit,  a 
soul  which  could  throb  as  one  with  mine ; 
and  as  she  listened,  rapt  by  the  magic  of 
my  eloquence,  motionless,  thrilled,  I  felt 
that  there  was  a  sympathetic  nature 
worth  all  the  wealth  of  my  love.  To 
show  what  were  my  thoughts,  and,  as  it 
were,  to  learn  her  thoughts  by  an  action, 
I  raised  one  of  her  hands  to  my  lips. 
Rapture !  there  was  no  protest.  I  knew 
that  my  feelings  were  reciprocated.  The 
crowd  neared,  and,  afraid  to  remain  by 
her  side,  lest  my  surging  breast  should 
force  me  to  speak  though  all  the  world 
heard,  I  hurried  away. 

Behind  the  coach  house  the  hired  man 
reported  to  me  that  he  had  telephoned  to 
the  agent  of  the  turnout,  who  agreed  to 
hold  it  for  me  until  nine  o'clock  that 
evening.  The  price,  said  the  man,  was 
21 


Reuben  Larkmead 


virtually  a  give-away,  a  mere  two  thou 
sand  five  hundred  dollars.  It  was,  at 
that  period,  difficult  for  me  to  accustom 
myself  to  what  New  Yorkers  call  trifling 
sums,  and,  while  of  course  I  could  easily 
afford  the  sum  named,  I  said  I  thought 
it  high.  The  man  replied  that  I  had 
better  snap  at  it,  as  he  must  telephone 
my  decision  at  once.  So  I  agreed  to  in 
spect  the  turnout  that  evening  and  pur 
chase  if  it  suited  me. 

At  lunch  and  on  the  drive  home,  I 
was  in  a  trance  of  happiness.  Mrs.  Lac- 
querre  gave  up  her  seat  by  my  side  to 
my  Cousin  Josephine,  and  I  understood 
the  delicacy  of  the  act ;  it  would  embar 
rass  her  to  be  so  near  me,  and  yet  not 
speak  of  what  was  stirring  both  our 
hearts — my  kiss  of  her  hand,  the  seal  of 
our  unspoken  vow  ! 

At  the  Circle  that  evening  I  met  the 
coach  and  four,  driven  by  the  man  who 
22 


Hearts  and  Coaches 


had  conducted  the  trade  for  me.  The 
horses'  coats  shone  like  satin,  their  eyes 
gleamed,  the  coach  glistened  in  the  elec 
tric  lights  like  polished  glass.  I  as 
cended  to  the  side  of  the  driver,  who  con 
fided  to  me  that  I  had  been  wise  to  close 
the  bargain  by  telephone,  for  the  agent 
had  since  had  an  offer  of  three  thousand 
dollars  for  the  turnout.  I  was  anxious 
at  hearing  this,  thinking  myself  well  in 
formed  as  to  the  trickiness  of  horse 
dealers,  so  I  told  the  man  to  drive  to  the 
stables  at  once  and  close  the  trade. 

It  was  an  exciting  drive,  for  the  ani 
mals  seemed  disposed  to  go  on  their  hind 
feet,  or  on  their  heads  ;  but  we  reached 
the  stable  in  safety,  the  driver  assuring 
me  that  the  animals  only  needed  a 
twenty-mile  trot  to  settle  down  all  right. 
The  agent  confirmed  the  driver  about 
having  a  larger  offer,  but  I  was  sharp 
with  him,  and  compelled  him  to  accept 
23 


Reuben  Larkmead 


the  check  I  at  once  drew  in  full  payment. 
Then  I  ordered  my  purchase  sent  to  Mrs. 
Lacquerre  the  next  day  and  came  to  my 
hotel  to  quietly  consider  what  further 
action,  if  any,  I  should  take  in  response 
to  the  demands  of  my  heart.  Upon  calm 
reflection  I  determined  to  offer  Mrs.  Lac 
querre  something  more  precious  than  a 
mere  coach  and  four — my  heart  and 
hand ! 

How  little  I  knew  that  I  should  soon 
think  this  world  false,  hollow!  Life  a 
nightmare  one  would  shun,  except  that 
it  is  cowardly  to  evade  any  duty — even 
the  sad  duty  of  living.  How  little  I  then 
felt  disposed  to  leave  this  cruel  city,  this 
heartless,  cynical  madness  called  New 
York,  and  sadly  roam  distant  lands  striv 
ing  to  bury  my  grief  from  sight !  All 
that  I  was  soon  to  feel. 

I  called  on  Mrs.  Lacquerre  and  for  a 
time  we  conversed  on  indifferent  matters, 
24 


Hearts  and  Coaches 


I  wanting  to  give  her  time  to  prepare  for 
the  honor  about  to  be  conferred  on  her. 
We  sat  where  we  could  look  into  the 
street,  and  I  was  glad  to  see  the  coach 
approach,  for  it  would  serve  as  an  inci 
dent  to  base  my  declaration  of  love  upon. 
Her  gaze  was  directed  at  the  turnout 
with  great  interest,  but  her  looks  changed 
when  she  saw  it  stop  at  her  door.  She 
rose  and  exclaimed  in  excitement,  "  What 
are  those  skates  stopping  here  for?  " 

Supposing  "  skates "  to  be  a  term  of 
endearment  for  the  horses,  I  saw  my  op 
portunity  and,  falling  on  my  knees,  I 
declared,  "  Dear  madam,  they  are  yours. 
They  are  my  gift  to  you,  and  with  them 
I  also  give  you  my  heart  and  hand !  " 

With  a  look  of  horror  in  her  eyes  she 
cried  :  "  Go  out  and  tell  them  to  take 
those  awful  things  away !  The  poor 
creatures  are  doped  nigh  to  death  !  And 
the  coach  !  Only  the  varnish  keeps  the 
25 


Reuben  Larkmead 


rattletrap  from  falling  apart.  Oh,  those 
dreadful  skates ;  take  them  away !  Quick ! 
a  crowd  is  already  gathering  !  Oh,  oh  !  " 

Stung  to  the  soul  of  my  pride,  I  went 
to  the  *  door  and  ordered  the  driver  to  re 
turn  to  the  stables.  A  policeman,  who 
had  come  to  see  what  the  crowd  was 
about,  added  :  "  And  hurry  about  it  or 
the  Bergh  officers  will  come  and  order 
the  poor,  old  doped  skates  shot." 

I  reentered  the  house,  again  threw  my 
self  on  my  knees  and  declared  my  love. 
The  lady  looked  stunned  for  a  moment, 
but  then  said  :  "  You  are  a  very  foolish 
and  bold  young  man.  I  am  years  your 
elder !  Why,  I  have  a  daughter  old 
enough  to  be  your  wife.  Go  away !  You 
may  come  again  when  you  are  quite 
sane,  for  you  are  worth  saving,  and  with 
a  little  trimming  will  make  a  presentable 
youngster." 

"But,"  I  exclaimed,  "how  about  my 
26 


Hearts  and  Coaches 


kiss  of  your  hand  yesterday  under  the 
tree,  to  which  you  did  not  object  ?  " 

"  Under  the  tree  ?  "  she  replied,  after  a 
thoughtful  pause.  "  I  was  fast  asleep  all 
the  time  we  were  there." 

With  that  she  left  the  room  hastily, 
and  I  departed  :  amazed,  stunned,  heart 
broken,  for  I  truly  loved  her. 


27 


CHAPTER  TWO 

DICE  AND  DIAMONDS 


a  day  of  calm  reflection 
I  abandoned  my  first  wild 
purpose  of  going  abroad  to 
forget  my  grief;  deciding, 
rather,  to  remain  in  New 
York  and  make  a  friend  of 
Mrs.  Lacquerre,  as  she  had 
asked  me  to.  I  might  not  have  accepted 
the  advice  had  not  the  lady  sent  me  a 
kind  note  to  call  and  discuss  my  plans 
with  her.  In  the  course  of  our  agreeable 
interview  I  was  surprised  to  learn  that  my 
Uncle  Silas  and  she  were  old  acquaint 
ances,  and  that  he  saw  much  of  her  dur 
ing  his  visits  to  New  York. 

She  admired  him  ;  seemed  to  entertain 
a   sentimental   regard  for  him  which   I 
28 


Dice  and  Diamonds 


was  able  to  say,  though  with  some  heart 
hurt,  I  hoped  he  reciprocated. 

She  made  no  reference  to  my  proposal 
of  marriage  to  her,  but  spoke  much  of 
the  things  a  young  man  of  my  degree 
should  do  and  not  do  in  New  York. 

"  I  am  a  worldling,  Mr.  Larkmead," 
she  said,  "  and  may  perhaps  save  you 
some  annoyances,  even  prevent  you  from 
falling  into  some  profitless  errors,  if  you 
will  let  me  be  your  friend,  and  sometimes 
give  you  a  word  of  advice  a  stranger  in 
New  York  should  have." 

Of  course  I  knew  that  this  was  well 
meant,  but  it  seemed  unnecessary  to  one, 
who  was,  like  me — alas,  poor  fool,  as  I 
then  thought ! — controlled  in  all  things 
by  caution,  and  an  instinctive  knowledge 
of  the  world.  A  lack  of  all  worldliness 
is  in  no  way  more  plainly  denoted  in  a 
young  man  than  by  his  early  belief  that 
he  possesses  it  in  a  marked  degree. 
29 


Reuben  Larkmead 


During  my  call  I  met  Mrs.  Lacquerre's 
daughter,  Frances,  and  observed  her  with 
interest,  because  of  Mrs.  Lacquerre's  re 
mark  during  our  previous  interview  that 
her  daughter  was  old  enough  to  be  my 
wife,  but  if  she  was  old  enough,  that 
certainly  appeared  then  to  be  her  only 
qualification.  She  was  a  recent  graduate 
of  a  fashionable  academy  patronized  by 
the  rich  and  exclusive  families,  but  what 
is  taught  there  I  thought  could  be  of  no 
use  or  interest  to  any  one.  I  saw  in  her 
only  a  tall  girl,  slender,  dark,  who  looked 
with  grave  eyes  in  silence  on  things  about 
her.  I  was  told  that  graduates  of  her 
academy  are  noted  for  a  manner  of 
aristocratic  reserve  which  is  much  com 
mended,  but  to  me  it  seemed  in  Miss 
Frances  a  manner  of  mild  insolence,  an 
assumption  of  superiority  for  which  her 
mental  accomplishments  gave  no  war 
rant. 

30 


Dice  and  Diamonds 


How  unlike  to  Frances  was  another 
young  lady  I  met !  She  was  not  tall, 
and  was  light  in  coloring  ;  she  had  no 
manner  of  foolish  superiority,  and  in 
stead  of  a  real  or  assumed  amusement  at 
my  acute  understanding  of  weighty  mat 
ters  she  took  the  keenest  interest  in 
listening  to  me.  She  begged  for  instruc 
tion,  and  rapidly  advanced  in  an  under 
standing  of  matters  political  and  in 
dustrial.  The  story  of  our  meeting  is 
one  which  I  must  relate  in  my  usually 
orderly  style. 

Some  days  after  my  proposal  to  Mrs. 
Lacquerre  I  was  surprised  by  receiving  a 
call  from  Mr.  Bob  Faykerr.  I  recalled  that 
for  one  term  there  came  to  our  Academy 
at  home  a  young  gentleman  of  the  name 
of  Faykerr,  who  was  allowed  to  resign 
because  of  an  impetuosity  in  his  manner 
of  living  which  did  not  comport  with 
the  traditions  of  the  Academy.  I  did 
31 


Reuben  Larkmead 


not  have  the  pleasure  of  his  acquaintance 
then,  and  he  impressed  me  as  not  being 
sympathetic ;  as  looking  with  amusement 
on  my  scholarly  ambitions  and  moral 
conduct.  But  I  learned  from  him  that 
in  this  I  was  mistaken,  for  he  assured 
me  that  he  admired  me  greatly  at  the 
Academy  and  wished  to  profit  by  my 
acquaintance,  but  was  kept  from  doing 
so  by  a  consciousness  that  he  was  unfit 
to  claim  equality  with  a  pupil  of  my  ex 
alted  moral  and  intellectual  gifts.  This 
was  so  natural  that  I  admitted  at  once, 
when  he  so  explained,  that  I  had  been 
unjust  in  my  mistrust  and  dislike  of 
him. 

He  politely  invited  me  to  dine  with 
him  and  a  party  of  friends  that  very 
evening,  and  further  proposed  to  show 
me  the  city  in  certain  aspects  which  I 
had  overlooked.  As  I  was  still  sad  over 
a  matter  which  had  deeply  grieved  me,  I 
32 


Dice  and  Diamonds 


gladly  took  advantage  of  the  opportunity 
to  join  his  gay  company. 

We  dined  in  elegance  at  the  restaurant 
of  a  noted  hotel,  and  extravagantly,  too, 
as  I  chanced  to  learn,  for  Mr.  Faykerr  had 
left  his  check  book  at  home,  and  permit 
ted  me  to  become  his  banker  temporarily. 
I  am  not  addicted  to  wine  drinking,  but 
deeming  it  best  not  to  be  conspicuous  in 
my  habits  I  partook  of  several  glasses  of 
champagne,  which,  to  my  surprise,  I 
found  to  be  a  beverage  of  commendable 
flavor  and  fragrance,  causing  an  agreeable 
elevation  of  the  spirits  and  a  sprightliness 
of  the  wits  which  banish  thoughts  of  the 
graver  aspects  of  life's  problems. 

After  dinner  Mr.  Faykerr  remarked 
that  as  I  was  a  student  of  sociology  and 
civic  reform  it  might  be  well  for  me  to 
study  at  first  hand  some  of  the  phases  of 
life  which  had  come  under  the  condemna 
tion  of  the  District  Attorney,  who  is  also 
33 


Reuben  Larkmead 


the  Public  Censor  of  Morals.  I  agreed 
with  the  suggestion  of  my  thoughtful 
friend,  but  was  surprised  to  learn  that 
any  of  the  gambling  places  were  open  for 
inspection,  having  heard  that  all  were 
closed  by  the  vigorous  methods  of  sup 
pression  employed  by  the  officials. 

Mr.  Faykerr  assured  me  that  there  were 
a  few  left  for  the  accommodation  of  gen 
tlemen  of  an  investigating  turn  of  mind, 
and  soon  proved  that  he  was  right  by 
taking  me  to  a  place  of  the  kind. 

We  began  our  studies  by  meeting  the 
proprietor  of  the  establishment,  who  was 
so  able  to  conceal  his  hideous  character 
that  he  appeared  like  a  quiet  and  schol 
arly  gentleman,  and  was  able  also  to 
assume  an  amiable  and  courteous  attitude 
towards  me.  To  my  surprise  he  did  not 
at  once  suggest  that  I  gamble,  but,  in 
stead,  directed  my  attention  to  some  very 
creditable  objects  of  art  by  well-known 

34: 


Dice  and  Diamonds 


artists,  and  curios  of  exceeding  beauty. 
Then  he  hospitably  invited  us  to  enter 
the  supper  room  and  partake  free  of  a  re 
past  there  set  forth  and  served  in  excel 
lent  style. 

After  a  bird  and  a  glass  of  champagne 
which  a  colored  servitor  offered,  Mr. 
Faykerr  suggested  that  we  see  the  actual 
gambling.  We  ascended  by  a  rich  stair 
way  of  marble  and  bronze  to  a  floor 
above,  where  a  number  of  patrons  were 
engaged  in  playing  a  game  called  faro. 
Although  it  was  not  my  purpose  to  carry 
my  studies  to  the  extreme  point  of  par 
ticipating  in  the  wicked  hazard  of  chance, 
I  decided  to  do  so  to  be  better  equipped 
to  denounce  the  evil  in  a  book  I  pur 
posed  writing  about  this  sinful  city. 

Mr.  Faykerr  already  sat  at  a  table  to 

play,  so  I,  too,  sat  down  and  was  asked  by 

the  man  in  charge,  called  the  dealer,  how 

many  chips   I  wanted.     My  companion 

35 


Reuben  Larkmead 


answered  for  me,  and  I  was  soon  playing 
with  lively  interest.  I  won  a  consider 
able  sum,  and  thought  of  quitting,  for  all 
who  win  thereby  cripple  the  power  of 
Satan  ;  but  I  concluded  to  play  on,  and 
perhaps  take  all  of  the  ill-got  gains  away 
from  the  den  of  iniquity. 

Again  I  won,  but  soon  lost,  and  al 
though  I  played  with  cool  calculation,  to 
my  dismay  I  did  not  win  again.  Again 
and  again  the  dealer  gave  me  what  chips 
I  needed,  never  asking  me  for  money, 
until  I  suddenly  realized  that  I  was  in 
debted  to  the  game  several  hundreds — 
some  thousands,  I  confess — and  I  was 
distressed  to  an  extreme  degree.  I  had 
no  such  sum  with  me,  and  in  my  con 
fusion  did  not  remember  that  I  could 
draw  a  check  until  Mr.  Faykerr  thought 
fully  reminded  me,  whispering,  "  If  you 
want  to  quit  you  will  find  a  desk  with 
checks  on  it  in  the  other  room." 
36 


Dice  and  Diamonds 


I  was  greatly  relieved  to  have  the  pro 
prietor  accept  my  check  without  question 
and  with  a  polite  invitation  to  call  again, 
and  a  wish  for  my  better  luck  next  time. 
I  determined  to  call  again  ;  not  that  I 
approved  of  gambling,  but  to  a  person  of 
my  stern  and  persistent  morality  it  seemed 
compromising  with  the  devil  to  allow  my 
money  to  remain  in  the  hands  of  such  in 
struments  of  evil.  I  resolved  not  only  to 
regain  what  I  lost,  but  win  much  more, 
as  a  lesson  and  rebuke  to  the  man  who 
so  plausibly  conducted  the  evil  resort. 
This  I  concluded  to  do  by  skilfully  adopt 
ing  the  plan  of  betting  next  time  on  the 
very  cards  I  lost  on  last  time. 

We  spent  some  further  hours  of  the 
night  in  studies  of  the  lighter  sides  of 
metropolitan  life,  and,  to  my  surprise, 
Mr.  Faykerr  was  plentifully  supplied 
with  money,  which  he  spent  liberally — 
though  he  overlooked  repaying  me  the 
37 


Reuben  Larkmead 


cost  of  the  dinner.  I  was  surprised,  I 
say,  to  see  him  with  so  much  money,  for 
he  had  not  won  at  the  gaming  table.  If 
I  had  not  supposed  him  to  be  a  gentleman 
I  might  have  had  my  suspicions  aroused 
that  he  had  received  a  commission  from 
the  gambler  on  the  amount  of  my  losses ; 
but  of  course  while  I  had  read  of  such 
wages  being  accepted  by  common  fellows, 
no  one  of  Mr.  Faykerr's  high  social  posi 
tion  would  stoop  so  low,  I  thought. 

In  the  course  of  the  evening,  at  a  res 
taurant  where,  as  I  was  informed,  all  the 
distinguished  artists  of  the  dramatic  and 
operatic  stage  gathered  for  supper,  I  was 
made  acquainted  with  Miss  Mayme  Frank- 
lyn,  fancifully  nicknamed  by  her  inti 
mates,  "  Babe."  She  confided  to  me  that 
she  was  soon  to  star  in  a  splendid  pro 
duction  of  a  famous  playwright's  master 
piece,  but  at  the  time  was  resting  from 
professional  employment. 
38 


Dice  and  Diamonds 


She  was,  as  I  have  said — for  of  course 
she  was  the  lady  I  have  contrasted  with 
Miss  Lacquerre — petite,  blond,  merry,  but 
highly  intellectual.  In  short  she  seemed 
the  most  ravishingly  beautiful  creature  I 
ever  saw !  In  spite  of  her  sedate  mental 
tendencies  she  allowed  herself  simple  recre 
ations  as  a  relief  from  the  arduous  duties 
of  her  professional  work,  and  was,  at  the 
time  I  first  met  her,  drinking  champagne 
from  a  large  beer  glass,  and  eating  lobster. 

She  was  richly  attired,  though  rather 
less  completely  than  seemed  becoming  in 
so  distinguished  an  artist  in  so  public  a 
place — her  waist  consisting  of  little  more 
than  a  belt  and  two  shoulder  straps — but 
she  explained  this  by  informing  me  that 
she  had  just  come  from  a  reception  at  an 
exclusive  Fifth  Avenue  home.  To  my 
delight,  she  agreed  to  go  with  me  to 
the  next  day's  races  in  an  automobile 
Mr.  Faykerr  had  engaged  for  me. 
39 


Reuben  Larkmead 


We  had  a  merry  party  for  the  races. 
Several  other  famous  actresses  with  whose 
names  I  was  not  familiar,  for  the  reason, 
as  they  informed  me,  that  they  had  been 
playing  abroad  in  London  and  Paris, 
accompanied  us ;  and  a  lunch  Mr.  Fay- 
kerr  thoughtfully  ordered  for  me  from 
a  noted  caterer  we  ate  en  route,  going 
and  coming ;  the  young  ladies  playfully 
throwing  bottles  at  other  automobile 
parties  containing  friends,  and  otherwise 
proving  that  their  severe  artistic  training 
did  not  suppress  their  liveliness  of  heart. 

For  several  days  I  saw  much  of  Babe — 
Miss  Franklyn — and  found  her  a  woman 
I  thought  to  be  worthy  of  my  real  adora 
tion.  All  my  aspirations  interested  her, 
all  my  plans  she  approved,  all  my  views 
she  understood.  Finding  my  attachment 
to  her  of  such  a  nature  that  she  was  con 
stantly  in  my  thoughts,  I  had  about  con 
cluded  to  offer  her  my  heart  and  hand. 
40 


fclrt 

CL 

I 


Dice  and  Diamonds 


On  the  day  I  reached  that  conclusion 
I  received  a  note  from  Mrs.  Lacquerre, 
asking  me  to  call  at  once.  I  responded, 
and  she  questioned  me  about  the  friends 
I  had  recently  made,  concerning  whom, 
in  relation  to  me,  she  said  there  was  some 
current  gossip.  When  I  had  finished 
naming  and  describing  them  Mrs.  Lac 
querre  declared :  "  Reuben,  you  have 
fallen  into  the  clutches  of  as  wicked  a 
gang  of  sharpers  and  bounders  as  New 
York  can  boast. 

"  Your  friend  Faykerr  really  comes  of 
a  good  family,  but  he  was  disowned  by 
them  years  ago.  He  has  several  times 
been  the  hero  of  sensational  press  stories 
of  scrapes  which  would  have  landed  him 
in  jail  if  swindled  men — like  you — would 
prosecute  him.  Of  course  they  won't, 
and  he  impudently  continues  living  by 
the  industry  of  plucking  geese.  The 
others  you  mention  are  not  actresses,  but 
41 


Reuben  Larkmead 


belong  to  the  army  of  nameless  parasites 
who  find  nourishment  after  their  kind. 
For  your  sake,  and  because  of  my  regard 
for  your  uncle,  I  warn  you  to  beware  of 
such  cattle." 

I  was  amused  at  the  lady's  foolish  fears 
that  I  could  not  tell  a  scoundrel  when  I 
saw  one,  but  to  quiet  her  alarm  assured 
her  that  I  would  keep  an  alert  eye  open 
for  any  signs  of  an  intention  on  the  part 
of  my  friends  to  swindle  me. 

Miss  Frances  Lacquerre  joined  us  as  we 
were  having  tea.  That  young  person  an 
noyed  me.  Her  calm  self-sufficiency  in 
the  presence  of  a  man  of  the  world  like 
me  was  calculated  to  turn  my  indifference 
to  her  into  hatred.  I  stood  her  manner 
of  being  my  superior  as  long  as  I  could, 
and  then  said  to  her,  "  Miss  Lacquerre, 
you  are  but  recently  '  from  scholastic 
trammels  free/  and  I  remind  you  that  at 
school  we  are  not  taught  to  know  the 
42 


Dice  and  Diamonds 


W0rld — in  the  world  alone  do  we  learn 
the  world." 

"  Indeed/'  she  replied  ;  "  then  are  you 
really  in  school  yet? " 

The  young  lady's  pointed  intimation 
that  I  was  not  yet  a  worldly  man  made 
me  leave  the  house  in  a  mood  which  gave 
but  scant  and  barren  soil  for  the  seeds  of 
good  advice  Mrs.  Lacquerre  had  sought 
to  implant  in  my  mind. 

Upon  returning  to  my  hotel  I  found  a 
message  from  Miss  Franklyn  asking  if  it 
would  be  convenient  to  loan  her  for  a  few 
days  the  sum  of  five  hundred  dollars. 
She  would  repay  it  from  her  first  week's 
salary  as  a  star,  yet  was  so  distressed  at 
the  necessity  of  asking  the  temporary 
favor  that  she  was  nearly  ill  from  nerv 
ousness,  and  therefore  requested  me  to 
send  the  sum  named.  But  I  resolved  to 
give  her  a  pleasant  surprise  by  taking  the 
loan  to  her  in  person. 
43 


Reuben  Larkmead 


It  was  in  carrying  out  my  plan  to 
proffer  the  loan  to  Miss  Franklyn  in  per 
son  that  I  was  forced  to  admit  that  there 
was  more  guilt  in  this  world  than  I  was 
prepared  to  encounter.  I  found  Miss 
Franklyn  in  a  morning  gown — it  was  six 
in  the  afternoon — of  tenuous  texture 
and  somewhat  untidy  appearance.  She 
seemed  more  surprised  than  pleased  to 
have  me  respond  in  person,  and  excused 
her  appearance  by  informing  me  that  be 
cause  of  long  rehearsals  without  salary 
she  had  been  obliged  to  pawn  much  of 
her  extensive  wardrobe.  This  revelation 
touched  me  deeply,  and  when  I  so  in 
formed  her  she  said  that  to  touch  me  was 
an  evidence  of  her  merit  she  scarcely 
hoped  so  soon  to  deserve. 

I  asked  her  at  once  to  accept  the  loan 
she  had  requested,  and  she  received  it 
with  assurances  of  a  speedy  return.  She 
then  said  that  she  was  so  much  overcome 


Dice  and  Diamonds 


by  my  kindness  that  it  would  be  painful 
for  her  to  prolong  the  interview ;  so,  re 
gretting  that  I  had  no  opportunity  to 
make  the  proposal  of  marriage  which  I 
had  in  mind,  I  departed.  At  the  front 
door  of  the  apartment  house  in  which  she 
occupied  somewhat  restricted  accommo 
dations  I  saw  that  it  was  raining,  and  to 
my  annoyance  I  had  left  my  umbrella  in 
Miss  Franklyn's  hall. 

I  returned  quietly,  and  finding  the 
door  ajar,  entered,  thinking  not  again  to 
disturb  the  lady  in  her  nervous  condi 
tion.  To  my  great  confusion  I  overheard 
her  in  an  adjoining  room,  talking  in  a 
joyful  manner  to  another  person,  who,  I 
judged  from  their  manner,  was  her 
mother.  I  refrain  from  relating  the  con 
versation  I  could  not  but  hear  before  I 
secured  my  umbrella  and  fled,  but  I  am 
compelled  by  a  sense  of  duty  to  confess 
that  I  heard  her  mother  affectionately  re- 
45 


Reuben  Larkmead 


proach  Babe  for  not  having  asked  me  for 
a  thousand  dollars,  remarking,  "  He  is  so 
easy  a  mark." 

The  young  lady's  gleeful  response  was 
that  she  knew  a  good  thing  when  she 
had  it,  and  did  not  purpose  to  kill  the 
goose  which  promised  to  lay  so  many 
golden  eggs. 

Horror-struck  at  hearing  this  and  a 
little  more  it  is  unnecessary  to  repeat,  I 
found  my  umbrella  and  rushed  from  the 
room.  While  I  was  compelled  to  admit 
that  Miss  Franklyn's  conduct  was  not 
free  from  suspicion,  I  still  felt  that  if  her 
interest  in  sugar  of  the  beet  variety  were 
properly  cultivated  it  would  turn  her 
thoughts  from  lobster  and  wine  towards 
a  life  of  greater  sweetness  and  light. 
Neither  could  I  forget  that  in  speaking 
of  me  to  her  mother  she  applied  to  me  a 
term  of  endearment.  She  had  frequently 
said  to  me  that  she  dearly  loved  a  lob- 
46 


Dice  and  Diamonds 


ster,  and  I  overheard  her  say  to  her 
mother  in  speaking  of  me,  "  He's  such  a 
lobster !  " 


CHAPTER  THREE 

THE  PENALTY  OF  POPULARITY 

ERHAPS  at  this  point  in  my 
career  I  did  not  advance 
rapidly  in  worldliness,  but 
one  thing  I  did  learn  :  that 
in  the  world,  a  penalty  of 
popularity  is  that  one  may 
not  have  his  time  at  his  own 
disposal.  I  found  myself  so  much  in  de 
mand  that  many  serious  studies  of  social 
problems  were,  for  the  time,  at  least, 
abandoned. 

I  was  reminded  of  their  pressure  upon 
my  time  by  a  letter  from  my  Uncle  Silas 
in  which  he  urged  me  to  see  more  of  my 
Aunt  Sarah,  and  less  of  such  companions 
as  Bob  Faykerr  and  Babe  Franklyn. 
Against  these  latter,  in  truth,  he  warned 


The  Penalty  of  Popularity 


me  in  true  avuncular  manner ;  professing 
to  see  in  some  slight  account  I  had  given 
him  of  my  adventures,  an  evidence  that 
I  was  playing  the  fool.  I  could  under 
stand  what  my  uncle,  at  a  distance,  and 
with  his  old-fashioned  notions,  considered 
my  moral  danger,  but  I  felt  that  he  was 
needlessly  alarmed  on  my  account. 

I  had  had  my  lesson,  I  said,  and  should 
profit  by  it.  I  candidly  admitted  to  my 
self  that  Miss  Franklyn  had  deceived  me 
as  to  her  necessities  and  worthiness,  and 
that  Mr.  Faykerr  may  have  received  a 
share  of  the  money  I  lost  in  the  gam 
bling  house,  as  his  commission  for  having 
introduced  me  there.  But,  I  thought,  an 
error  confessed  is  atoned ;  and  I  should 
thereafter  see  to  it  that  my  companions 
profited  no  more  by  me  than  I  did  by 
them.  But  these  speculations  are  aside 
from  my  narrative,  with  which  I  shall 
proceed. 

49 


Reuben  Larkmead 


Mrs.  Lacquerre  having  gone  to  her  sum 
mer  cottage,  Boulder  Crest,  I  received 
from  her  a  note  inviting  me  for  a  week 
end,  the  time  of  my  arrival  and  departure 
being  definitely  stated  in  her  note,  even 
to  the  particular  train  I  was  to  take  each 
way.  This  struck  me  as  lacking  in  hospi 
tality — as  if  one's  hostess  were  fortifying 
herself  against  having  a  stupid  guest  on 
her  hands  a  minute  longer  than  she  had 
braced  herself  to  endure  the  ordeal.  I 
could  imagine  instances  where  such  pre 
caution  would  be  advisable,  but  why 
should  it  be  used  in  sending  out  invita 
tions  to  guests  who  are  desirable  ?  I  had, 
I  hope,  even  at  that  time,  no  more  than  a 
properly  high  regard  for  my  own  merits, 
yet  I  could  not  but  muse  upon  the  fact 
that  for  the  very  week-end  Mrs.  Lacquerre 
named  I  had  several  other  invitations 
which  did  not  limit  my  visit  to  minutes 
or  hours — not  even  days. 
50 


The  Penalty  of  Popularity 


I  was,  for  example,  invited  for  a  yacht 
ing  cruise  by  Mr.  Ralph  Backstay,  on 
whose  sloop,  the  Hyghbott,  I  had  already 
made  one  voyage  up  the  Sound.  I  had 
met  Mr.  Backstay  in  some  pleasant  com 
pany  one  evening,  and  he  cordially  in 
vited  me  to  take  a  run  on  his  yacht  the 
next  day.  He  was  going  aboard  that 
night  and  asked  me  to  call  at  a  certain 
store  in  the  morning  and  order  a  number 
of  articles,  of  which  he  gave  me  a  list.  I 
did  so,  noting  that  the  goods  consisted 
chiefly  of  refreshments  of  a  solid  nature 
and  otherwise.  When  I  mentioned  the 
yacht  to  which  they  were  to  be  sent  .the 
salesman  politely  but  with  marked  firm 
ness  insisted  upon  cash  in  advance.  Of 
course  I  paid  for  the  goods,  thinking  it 
would  be  entirely  proper  to  remind  my 
host  of  the  amount  at  a  later  time. 

It  was  quite  a  merry  party  on  the 
yacht,  but  the  beauty  of  the  Sound  ad- 
51 


Reuben  Larkmead 


dressed  the  members  with  no  eloquence, 
as  a  game  of  poker  began  as  we  started 
and  was  never  deserted  for  the  twenty- 
four  hours  we  sailed.  Not  to  seem 
churlish  I  played  at  times — "  sat  in,"  as 
Mr.  Backstay  quaintly  put  it — and  at  the 
end  of  the  voyage  it  was  disclosed  that 
the  amount  of  my  losses  to  my  host  just 
offset  the  bill  I  had  paid  for  sundry  cases 
of  wine,  patties  and  other  more  substan 
tial  provisions. 

I  left  the  yacht  in  company  with  a 
quiet,  smiling  gentleman  who  remarked 
to  me,  "  You  paid  the  shot  this  time,  I 
believe."  He  explained  that  Mr.  Back 
stay  had  evolved  a  plan  of  high  living 
and  plain  sailing  which  much  amused 
and  interested  his  friends.  He  had  in 
herited  nothing  but  the  yacht,  "  not 
enough  else  to  live  on,  ashore,"  my  ac 
quaintance  said,  so  lived  on  the  yacht 
permanently.  When  his  larder  ran  low 
52 


The  Penalty  of  Popularity 


he  asked  some  guest  to  order  a  new 
supply  and  worked  out  the  financial  end 
as  in  my  case.  The  wages  of  the  crew 
and  other  necessary  expenses  he  won  at 
poker.  "  Ralph's  a  deuce  of  a  nice  fel 
low,"  remarked  my  informant,  "  and  we 
are  all  awfully  proud  of  him  that  he  has 
evolved  so  successful  a  plan  for  living 
nicely  and  honestly.  Had  he  not  such  a 
pretty  wit,  or  none  at  all,  he  might  have 
become  a  cotillon  leader  and  then  we 
would  have  been  obliged  to  cut  him.  As 
it  is  we  are  proud  of  him." 

I  relate  this  incident  as  evidence  of  the 
popularity  I  was  already  enjoying,  my 
informant  assuring  me  that  Mr.  Backstay 
only  honored  with  invitations  to  his 
yacht  gentlemen  whose  qualities  made 
their  popularity  a  matter  of  course.  I 
chanced  to  speak  to  Mrs.  Lacquerre  of 
this  and  she  laughed  heartily,  saying, 
"  Poor,  dear  Ralph  Backstay !  We  all 
53 


Reuben  Larkmead 


know  him,  and  I  do  assure  you  that  you 
have  been  correctly  informed.  He  enter 
tains  no  one  on  that  amazing  yacht  of 
his  whose  qualities  he  is  not  certain 
are  sufficient  to  provide  entertainment." 
She  placed  such  peculiar  accent  on  the 
word  "  entertainment "  that  had  I  been 
of  a  suspicious  nature  it  might  have  oc 
curred  to  me  that  the  kind  of  entertain 
ment  provided  went  into  the  several 
hampers  of  wine  and  food  I  sent  to  the 
yacht — and  paid  for.  But,  of  course,  it 
would  be  a  kind  of  mock  modesty  I 
greatly  condemn  for  me  to  pretend  that 
I  did  not  believe  myself,  aside  from  my 
fortune,  a  young  gentleman  of  high 
qualities  as  an  entertainer.  Only  the 
unobserving  and  frivolous  could  deny 
that,  I  fancied. 

This  thought  brings  to  my  mind  Miss 
Frances    Lacquerre.     Not  that   she   was 
frivolous  ;  she  might  have  been  more  ac- 
54 


The  Penalty  of  Popularity 

ceptable  in  my  esteem  if  she  were.  She 
seemed  to  me  a  young  woman  with  a 
high  opinion  of  her  own  merits,  and  that 
is  a  phase  of  character  I  always  found 
it  difficult  to  encounter  with  becoming 
equanimity.  Miss  Frances  had  a  lofty 
manner  of  looking  at  things — at  me,  for 
example — which  her  mental  attributes 
did  not  in  any  degree  justify.  So  I  then 
thought.  At  the  time  of  the  conversa 
tion  with  Mrs.  Lacquerre  to  which  I  have 
just  referred,  I  turned  to  Frances  and 
asked  her  opinion  of  Mr.  Backstay.  She 
hesitated  a  moment,  and  then  replied  : — 
"  I  suppose,  as  society  is  organized,  there 
is  a  proper  place  in  it  for  sharks — to  pre 
vent  an  oversupply  of  gudgeons." 

"  I  fail  to  appreciate  the  application 
of  your  simile,  Miss  Frances,"  I  re 
sponded. 

"  Were  there  no  gudgeons  on  Mr.  Back 
stay's  yacht  ?  "  she  asked  scornfully. 
55 


Reuben  Larkmead 


11  Frances,  dear,"  interrupted  Mrs.  Lac- 
querre,  "  you  do  not  know  what  a  gudg 
eon  is,  and  neither  do  I.  Order  us  some 
tea." 

The  young  lady  raised  her  eyebrows  at 
her  mother,  smiled  in  a  way  which  ex 
asperated  me  quite  unaccountably,  and 
responded  coolly  : — "  How  delightfully 
of  one  mind  we  all  are — no  one  of  us 
seems  to  know  what  a  gudgeon  is.  But, 
mamma,  in  vulgar  parlance,  isn't  it  de 
scribed  as  a  sucker?  " 

"  Don't  be  slangy,  Frances,"  was  all 
her  mother  said,  and  the  young  lady  pre 
pared  tea. 

For  a  young  woman  of  such  little 
worth  in  intellectual  qualities  she  was 
much  in  my  mind.  Why  I  cannot  tell. 
To  be  sure  I  found  that  her  famed  beauty, 
which  I  did  not  at  first  see,  had  grown 
upon  me.  But  I  sought  in  woman,  as 
the  poet  wrote  — 

56 


The  Penalty  of  Popularity 


Benignity  and  home  bred  sense, 
Eipening  into  perfect  innocence, 


rather  than 


A  lovely  apparition  sent 
To  be  a  moment's  ornament. 


"  Surely,"  I  said,  "  this  young  woman  is 
not,  nor  can  she  become,  my  ideal." 

I  learned  that  she  was  proficient  in 
many  outdoor  sports,  and  was  very  pop 
ular  with  young  gentlemen  of  my  age, 
who  devoted  but  little  of  their  time  to 
mastering  the  intricacies  of  political  prob 
lems  ;  engaging  themselves,  rather,  in 
futile  pastimes  of  an  athletic  nature.  I 
was  becoming  convinced  that  in  order  to 
prepare  myself  to  "  see  life  steadily  and 
see  it  whole  "  it  would  be  advisable  for 
me  to  interrupt  my  studies  of  national 
fiscal  policies  and,  for  a  time,  at  least,  de 
vote  my  energies  to  acquiring  some 
knowledge  of  how  my  fellow  man  of  my 
57 


Reuben  Larkmead 


own  social  condition  conducts  his  life.  I 
was  very  thorough  in  my  course  in  so 
ciology  in  college,  but  now,  to  my  sur 
prise,  I  might  as  well  have  been  a  "  pagan 
suckled  in  a  creed  outworn  "  as  a  modern 
American  for  all  that  I  knew  of  many 
aspects  of  life  surrounding  me. 

Mrs.  Lacquerre's  cottage,  at  Boulder 
Crest,  I  found  to  be  a  twenty  room  man 
sion  on  a  rocky  point  of  land  reaching 
out  into  a  bay  filled  with  islands.  It  is 
several  miles  from  the  railway  station, 
and,  with  the  exception  of  perhaps  half 
a  dozen  other  equally  expensive  cottages, 
there  is  no  other  habitation  within  sight. 
But  all  the  cottages  had  week-end  parties 
at  the  time  of  my  visit,  so  that  for  an 
event  in  which  all  were  interested  a  com 
pany  of  nearly  a  hundred  ladies  and  gen 
tlemen  assembled. 

I  shall  not  now  describe  the  various 
recreations  on  land — golf,  tennis  and 
58 


The  Penalty  of  Popularity 


squash — in  which  the  company  indulged, 
for  it  is  with  the  water  my  experiences 
chiefly  relate.  In  a  little  cove,  on  the 
sheltered  side  of  the  point,  as  many  as  a 
dozen  yachts  were  anchored,  some  belong 
ing  to  the  hosts,  some  to  the  guests,  and 
in  addition  there  were  numberless  small 
craft  of  many  odd  shapes  and  designs, 
some  for  sailing,  some  for  rowing.  In, 
on,  around,  and  I  may  say  under  and 
over,  these  yachts  and  various  other  craft, 
the  life  of  the  several  house  parties  chiefly 
centred,  and  there  was  continual  inter 
course  between  the  yachts  and  the  land 
ing  ;  sometimes  by  means  of  rowboats 
manned  by  uniformed  sailors,  and  some 
times  by  little  sailing  craft,  or  by  pretty 
motor  boats,  and  again  even  by  swim 
ming.  A  party  of  us  were  down  at  the 
bath  house,  when  Miss  Frances  said  to 
me  :  "  Can  you  really  swim  ?  You  do 
not  play  golf,  polo,  tennis,  squash,  nor  do 
59 


Reuben  Larkmead 


you  yacht.  If  you  swim  let  me  show 
you  off." 

The  remark  rather  surprised  me,  as  it 
had  not  occurred  to  me  that  I  lacked  any 
of  the  accomplishments  of  the  society  in 
which  my  wealth  and  education  placed 
me.  Therefore  I  was  pleased  to  think 
what  a  powerful  swimmer  I  am. 

"  Surely/'  I  replied,  "  I  swim.  Let  us 
swim  out  to  the  yachts."  Miss  Frances 
looked  at  me  as  if  doubtful  of  my  sincer 
ity,  so,  to  prove  it,  I  dived  off  and  struck 
out,  and  she  promptly  followed.  We 
boarded  one  yacht  by  its  landing  steps, 
and  a  maid  enveloped  Frances  in  a  warm 
bath  robe.  Nothing  but  yachting  was 
talked  of  by  the  party  assembled  on  the 
afterdeck,  and  I  determined  to  secure  a 
boat  of  some  sort  at  once,  in  order  not  at 
all  times  to  feel  so  wholly  out  of  the  run 
ning,  as  the  saying  is. 

That  afternoon  I  quietly  hurried  over 
60 


The  Penalty  of  Popularity 


to  a  fishing  village  not  far  up  the  coast, 
and  there  made  known  my  wish  to  an 
ancient  mariner  I  found  on  the  wharf, 
looking  out  to  sea  with  one  eye  and  nar 
rowly  regarding  me  with  the  other. 
When  I  signified  my  desire  to  purchase 
a  sailboat  he  brought  both  eyes  to  bear  on 
me,  adjusted  his  trousers  band  with  both 
hands,  spat  to  the  right,  then  to  the  left 
and  at  last  slowly  remarked  :  "  Well,  sir, 
some  men  be  lucky.  Ef  you  be  looking 
fer  a  tried  and  true,  reg'lar,  old  style, 
Yankee  sloop,  as  hez  proved  herself  at 
everything  from  lobsters  to  lime,  come 
with  me." 

The  craft  he  showed  me  seemed  much 
in  need  of  a  bath,  in  spite  of  the  fact  that 
she  was  quite  as  wet  inside  as  out,  but  my 
seafaring  friend  assured  me  that  with  new 
sails  and  a  coat  of  paint  she  would  be  as 
handsome  as  a  cup  defender  and  probably 
as  fast.  I  was  impatient  to  become  a 
61 


Reuben  Larkmead 


private  yacht  owner,  so  I  closed  a  bargain, 
and  the  ancient  mariner  offered  to  sail  me 
back  to  Boulder  Crest  Cove. 

As  to  the  boat's  sailing  qualities  I  have 
no  knowledge,  for  I  was  so  frantically 
busy  pumping  all  the  way  I  heeded  noth 
ing  except  my  rapidly  blistering  hands. 
But  as  we  entered  the  cove  I  heard  much 
comment  shouted  through  megaphones 
by  gentlemen  on  the  anchored  yachts, 
such  as  "  Two  to  one  she  sinks  before  she 
beaches  !  "  "  Hi !  there,  Noah,  are  you 
going  to  sail  that  ark  overland  ?  " 

This  last  remark  was  suggested  by  the 
fact  that  at  that  instant  we  grounded 
heavily  on  the  beach.  There  was  a 
shiver,  a  shake,  a  gentle  sighing  of  old 
timbers,  and  my  craft  seemed  to  shrink 
and  collapse.  The  mariner  jumped  over 
board  and  waded  ashore,  saying,  "  Never 
thought  she'd  get  here,  but  the  price  was 
wuth  the  risk." 

62 


The  Penalty  of  Popularity 


All  the  guests  from  the  cottages  gath 
ered  to  inspect  my  purchase,  which,  hav 
ing  been  beached  at  high  tide,  we  could, 
at  low  tide,  walk  around  dry  shod ;  and 
there  were  many  expressions  of  wonder 
that  the  skipper  had  managed  to  fetch 
her  so  far  from  her  ancient  resting-place. 
I  felt  some  chagrin  as  I  learned  that  my 
purchase  had  long  been  an  object  of  curi 
ous  interest  as  the  oldest  and  craziest  craft 
afloat,  but  before  I  revealed  the  object  of 
its  purchase  I  heard  Frances  say  to  me 
with  a  meaning  accent : 

"  It  was  so  kind  of  you  to  risk  your 
life  to  supply  our  beach  with  a  wreck. 
It  is  very  picturesque,  and  we  have  al 
ways  wanted  one,  but  no  one  before  ever 
thought  of  this  plan." 

I  saw  that  she  had  said  this  to  protect 
me  from  ridicule,  to  make  a  hero  of  me, 
and  I  attempted,  perhaps  with  some  feel 
ing,  to  thank  her ;  but  she  interrupted 
63 


Reuben  Larkmead 


me  by  exclaiming :  "  Oh,  greater  fresh 
ness  than  yours  has  been  salted  by  a 
clever  woman ! "  Then  she  ran  away, 
leaving  me  to  wonder  what  she  could 
have  meant. 


CHAPTER  FOUR 


A  WIDOW'S  ADVICE 

EFORE  I  had  been  half  my  al 
lotted  time  at  Boulder  Crest  I 
formed  the  opinion  that  the 
polite  world  was  given  over 
hopelessly  to  futile  pursuits, 
and  that  a  young  gentleman 
having  a  proper  estimate  of 
the  value  of  time  and  effort  should  bestow 
the  gift  of  his  talents  on  a  more  deserv 
ing  community. 

Therefore,  scorning  the  vain  triumphs 
to  be  gained  on  tennis  court  and  golf 
links,  I  resolved  to  concern  myself  at 
once  with  those  matters  of  civic  activi 
ties  for  which  I  felt  singularly  well 
equipped,  and  wherein  the  triumphs  are 
those  a  man  of  full  mental  stature  may 
feel  an  honest  pride. 
65 


Reuben  Larkmead 


I  shall  not  conceal  that  a  selfish  motive 
influenced  my  resolve :  it  had  become 
evident  to  me  that  Miss  Frances  Lac- 
querre  was  obdurately  insensible  to  my 
superior  merits,  though  they  should  have 
been  apparent  to  any  one  with  opportu 
nity  to  gauge  my  capacities.  It  was  of 
no  importance  to  me,  I  argued,  that  she 
was  unmindful  of  my  wtfrth,  for  I  be 
lieved  that  I  could  not  be  affected  by  her 
opinion  ;  yet,  as  a  matter  of  pride,  I  felt 
that  she  should  be  forced  to  recognize  at 
least  the  mental  qualities  which  won  for 
me  the  oratorical  prize  at  the  Saccharine 
Academy,  Beetville. 

That  her  opinion  of  me  remained  what 
may  be  termed  a  negligible  quantity — 
either  favorable  or  otherwise — became 
apparent ;  and,  becoming  so,  surprised 
me ;  and  it  was  on  that  account  I  spoke 
of  the  matter  to  her  mother  in  a  wholly 
impersonal  way. 

66 


"  What's  that  kid    been  doing?  " — Page  67 


A  Widow's  Advice 


"  Madam/'  I  said  to  Mrs.  Lacquerre, 
"  has  it  ever  occurred  to  you  that  your 
daughter  lacks  in  intuitive  faculty?" 

"  What's  that  kid  been  doing  now?" 
inquired  Mrs.  Lacquerre. 

I  quote  her  precise  language,  although 
those  unacquainted  with  the  lady  may 
be  surprised  to  read  such  quaint  forms  of 
speech  as  coming  from  a  leader  in  New 
York's  most  exalted  social  circle. 

"  Miss  Frances,"  I  explained,  "  has 
proved  her  lack  of  keen  mental  percep 
tion  through  no  act,  but  rather  through 
an  attitude." 

"  Good  Lord,  Reuben  !  "  quoth  Mrs. 
Lacquerre  with  much  spirit,  "  talk  Eng 
lish  as  she  is  spoke  in  little  old  New 
York.  Has  Frances  given  you  the  austere 
glance,  or  sentenced  you  to  the  forest? 
Out  with  it,  lad  !  " 

"  Pardon  me,  madam,"  I  exclaimed, 
amused  by  the  strangeness  of  her  figures 
67 


Reuben  Larkmead 


of  speech.  "  Frances  has  done  nothing 
to  me.  What  I  discourse  on  is  rather 
what  she  is  than  what  she  does.  Why, 
for  example,  should  a  young  lady  of  her 
high  breeding  fail  to  recognize  among  the 
young  gentlemen  about  her  those  who 
plainly  possess  superior  merit?  Surely 
it  would  be  more  becoming  in  her  to  pay 
the  tribute  of  recognition,  at  least,  to  un 
assuming  worth  rather  than  applaud  the 
vacant  victory  of  him  who  can  drive  a 
golf  ball  two  hundred  and  twenty-five 
yards  and  putt  it — if  my  terminology  is 
accurate,  putt  it — fifteen  yards.  Of  what 
avail  is  it  that  one  man  passes  laborious 
days  and  studious  nights  grappling  with 
problems  of  psychic  import  if  he  is,  in 
the  company  of  a  Frances,  to  be  ignored 
for  a  youth  who  has  just  won  a  tennis 
tournament,  and  whose  vocabulary  ex 
tends  but  slightly  beyond  the  words 
'  sure '  and  l  stung '  ?  " 


A  Widow's  Advice 


When  I  had  finished  speaking  Mrs. 
Lacquerre  laughed  so  heartily  that  I  be 
came  alarmed,  and  even  then  she  only 
gasped,  "  Oh,  Reuben,  Reuben,  if  you 
must  ask  me  the  riddle  of  a  woman's 
heart  try  to  talk  New  Yorkese.  Gee,' 
your  language  counts  me  out !  " 

I  was  equally  at  a  loss  to  interpret  her 
merriment  or  her  words,  but  she  came  to 
my  assistance. 

"  I  suppose,  Reuben,"  she  resumed 
when  she  had  become  more  composed, 
"  you  are  quizzing  Frances'  mamma  to 
find  out  why  you  are  not  strong  with 
Frances.  Well,  you  are  stronger  with 
her  than  you  deserve.  I  mean  that  she 
sees  something  in  you  that  I'll  be  darned 
if  I  see.  She  thinks  you've  a  temper  and 
a  will  of  your  own,  which  ought  to  make 
you  arrive.  To  be  honest  with  you,  I 
can't  see  all  that  Frances  does  in  you, 
though  you  have  your  uncle's  chin,  and 


Reuben  Larkmead 


he's  a  pretty  good  party  at  that.  But  for 
goodness'  sake,  Reuben,  if  all  you  want 
is  adoration — or  what  looks  like  it — cast 
your  eyes  around  at  some  of  the  other 
gals.  Your  millions  are  all  they  see  in 
you,  as  a  fact,  but  that's  enough  to  make 
them  goo-goo  like  a  flock  of  adoring 
sheep.  Now,  of  course,  Frances  being 
the  only  girl  in  the  bunch  who  happens 
not  to  care  for  your  money,  she  is  the 
very  one  you  want  to  care  for  you." 

"  Pardon  me  again,  madam,"  I  replied 
with  dignity,  "  you  assume  more  than 
my  utterances  warrant.  I  did  not  make 
a  personal  application  of  the  lack  of  a 
certain  appreciative  faculty  in  Frances." 

"Oh,  all  right,"  Mrs.  Lacquerre  re 
sponded  merrily,  "  we'll  make  it  imper 
sonal.  Frances  is  like  every  other 
woman,  in  that  she  cares  for  men  who 
do  something.  She  is  unlike  the  other 
girls  down  here  at  these  house  parties  in 
70 


A  Widow's  Advice 


not  caring  for  money.  Well,  there  you 
are ;  you,  or  the  impersonal  chap  you're 
preaching  about,  have  done  nothing. 
The  other  boys  here  have.  Athletics  are 
the  fashion,  and  they  are  up  in  G  right 
there.  I  suppose  if  it  were  the  fashion 
for  gentlemen  to  go  to  war,  or  paint  pic 
tures,  or  press  wild  flowers,  or  hammer 
wrought  iron  they'd  be  doing  the  proper 
thing.  Now,  you  and  I  can  be  on  the 
level  about  Frances.  I'd  like  to  have 
you  marry  her,  because  I  know  your  peo 
ple  and  because  your  Uncle  Si  is  mighty 
strong  with  me  and  because  you've  money 
enough  to  take  care  of  Frances  without 
my  having  to  beggar  myself  to  do  it. 
Now,  that's  what  your  Uncle  Si  would 
call  a  black  sand  talk,  but  it  won't  do 
you  a  bit  of  harm  to  hear  it.  If  you 
want  to  win  my  kid  you  run  away  and 
do  something.  Did  you  ever  hear  your 
Uncle  Silas  tell  the  difference  between 
71 


Reuben  Larkmead 


hunters  ?  He  says  one  kind  bring  back 
the  stories  and  the  others  bring  back  the 
coonskins.  Frances  is  mighty  fond  of 
coonskins.  Comprenz-vous  ?  " 

I  was  as  dazed  as  amazed  when  I  left 
the  lady.  Dazed,  for,  of  course,  I  could 
understand  but  a  little  of  her  jargon  ; 
amazed,  because  what  little  I  understood 
seemed  to  indicate  that  I  belonged  to  the 
class  of  men  who  boast  of  their  merit 
rather  than  prove  it  by  action. 

I  gradually  became  calmer,  for  I  find 
it  a  simple  matter  to  dismiss  any  mental 
irritation  resulting  from  the  discovery  of 
a  slighting  opinion  of  me.  And  surely 
that  is  a  precious  temperamental  posses 
sion  :  the  capacity  to  preserve  a  judicial 
attitude  while  estimating  our  own  rela 
tive  worth.  Without  it  the  really  great 
may  suffer  by  accepting  the  false  or  en 
vious  judgments  of  their  fellow  men ; 
while  with  it,  envy,  ignorant  judgment, 
72 


A  Widow's  Advice 


even  calumny  have  no  power  to  wound 
those  deserving  the  best  of  praise — self- 
praise. 

I  resolved  to  prove  that  the  intellectual 
force  I  had  accumulated  could  be  directed 
into  a  current  of  active  energy  as  palpa 
ble  as  that  physical  energy  so  futile,  yet 
so  much  in  vogue,  in  this  foolish  day 
and  generation. 

Naturally  I  turned  to  politics.  Having 
equipped  myself  to  enter  the  arena 
wherein  giants  contest  for  supremacy  in 
statesmanship  it  seemed  expedient  that  I 
should  utilize  my  strength  not  alone  for 
the  good  of  my  beloved  country,  but  to 
prove  to  the  world  that  the  capacity  to 
use  a  niblick  to  negotiate  a  bad  lie  in  a 
bunker  is  not  the  ultimate  of  consummate 
achievement. 

I  had,  on  one  of  my  evenings  of  lighter 
entertainment,  met  a  singularly  self-pos 
sessed  young  gentleman,  who,  I  was  in- 
73 


Reuben  Larkmead 


formed,  was  of  importance  in  local  po 
litical  circles.  I  sought  this  young 
gentleman,  Mr.  Con  Hogan,  and  disclosed 
to  him  my  resolve  to  enter  politics,  and 
informed  him  that  I  was  aware  of  the 
necessity  a  beginner  had  for  a  practical 
manager.  Mr.  Hogan  approved  my  de 
cision,  but  hesitated  about  accepting  the 
management  of  my  canvass. 

"  My  job,"  he  remarked,  "  my  special 
graft  is  preparing  candidates  for  big  of 
fice.  I  suppose  you  want  to  run  for 
Alderman,  for  the  Legislature  or,  at  best, 
for  the  House  of  Representatives  in  Con 
gress.  To  the  woods  with  them  !  Now, 
if  you  were  a  top  liner,  a  mug  out  for  the 
real  goods,  a  white-haired  lad  who  had  a 
hand  and  heart  out  for  a  United  States 
Senatorship  or  the  Vice-Presidency,  why 
Con  Hogan  would  bring  you  to  the  start 
ing  line  fit  to  run  for  a  life.  A  young 
fellow  like  you,  with  your  upper  story 
74 


A  Widow's  Advice 


bulging  with  statesmanship  and  things, 
ought  not  to  go  to  the  Alderman's  chair  ; 
better  the  electric  chair !  You're  the 
kind  what  butts  into  the  White  House, 
you  are.  Say,  a  Senatorship  first,  then 
the  Vice-Presidency,  and  having  got  your 
age  and  weight,  to  the  White  House  for 
yours ! 

"  I'm  sorry  you  insist  upon  remaining 
an  Alderman  ;  that's  only  a  starter.  I'd 
like  to  help  you,  but  I  won't  take  Presi 
dential  timber  and  whittle  it  into  a 
hitching-post.  Don't  ask  me.  Forget 
it!" 

He  was  so  indignant  that  I  hastened  to 
assure  him  that  I  had  no  small  aspira 
tions — that  even  a  Senatorship  would  not 
be  worth  working  for  except  that  it  would 
probably  lead  to  the  White  House  in  my 
case.  I  would  put  myself  in  his  hands, 
leave  the  practical  work  to  him,  and  my 
self  undertake  the  congenial  task  of  firing 
75 


Reuben  Larkmead 


the  popular  heart  and  rousing  the  public 
enthusiasm. 

Mr.  Hogan  was  delighted.  He  so  as 
sured  me.  "  I  was  afraid/'  said  he, 
"  that  you  might  be  satisfied  with  noth 
ing  more  than  the  Governorship.  But 
your  looks  give  me  hope.  If  you're 
ready  to  start  at  once  we'll  lay  out  a 
programme  : — Alderman,  Assemblyman, 
State  Senator,  Representative,  United 
States  Senator,  Vice-President,  President. 
What  New  York  City — snug  little  old 
Manhattan — has  been  yearning  for  is  a 
statesman.  Since  my  old  friends  Tilden 
and  Conklin  died  we've  been  short  on 
statesmen.  You're  it.  But  the  biggest 
things  must  have  a  small  beginning. 
We'll  begin  with  the  Reuben  Larkmead 
Social  and  Outing  Club,  with  politics  on 
the  side.  I'll  have  the  club  started  to 
morrow.  We'll  have  a  banner-raising  the 
next  night,  a  dance  the  next  week,  a 
76 


A  Widow's  Advice 


barge  picnic  the  week  after,  then  a  po 
litical  night.  After  that  the  convention 
will  have  to  give  us  what  we  ask  or  we'll 
knife  the  ticket.  That's  Con  Hogan's 
way." 

My  enthusiastic  manager  jumped  up 
and  was  hurriedly  departing,  but  stopped 
to  say  : — "  There'll  be  a  trifle  preliminary 
expense — a  thousand  or  so.  Shall  I  ad 
vance  it  for  you,  or  " 

I  interrupted  the  generous  fellow  to 
hand  him  a  check  for  a  thousand,  and  he 
departed. 

I  then  went  to  work  on  my  political 
speech,  to  be  delivered  to  the  Reuben 
Larkmead  Social  and  Outing  Club. 
When  the  columns  of  the  press  should 
ring  with  my  utterances  on  the  vital 
questions  of  the  day,  I  said,  one  woman 
will  admit  that  all  glory  does  not  halo 
the  brow  of  him  who  excels  only  in  the 
trifling  tricks  of  the  tennis  court. 
77 


Reuben  Larkmead 


Success  should  be  mine,  for  it  is  the 
just  wage  of  him  who  wills,  not  wishes. 
Success :  the  expressed  and  practical 
esteem  of  a  preponderating  number  of 
our  fellow  creatures.  Mine ! 


78 


CHAPTER  FIVE 


CUPID  AND  POLITICS 

N  a  letter  received  at  that  time 
my  good  Uncle  Silas  asked 
again  as  to  my  relations  with 
Aunt  Sarah  and  Cousin  Jo 
sephine,  and  reminded  me 
that  I  had  not  mentioned 
them  since  I  gave  him  some 
account  of  our  coaching  trip  to  the 
Country  Club. 

The  undeviating  delicacy  with  which 
Uncle  Silas  had  ever  considered  my  feel 
ings  in  all  respects  was  proof  to  me  that 
he  did  not  make  this  inquiry  with  a  view 
to  recalling  my  proposal  for  the  hand  of 
Mrs.  Jack  Lacquerre,  which  proceeded  as 
a  direct  result  of  that  coaching  trip. 
Yet  I  am  compelled  to  recall  that 
79 


Reuben  Larkmead 


incident  in  explaining  why  I  have  so 
infrequently  enriched  these  memoirs 
with  allusions  to  Aunt  Sarah  and  Cousin 
Josephine. 

Soon  after  the  inauspicious  misreading 
of  my  heart  which  impelled  me  to  offer 
it  to  Mrs.  Lacquerre — mistaking  a  lively 
personal  interest  in  that  lady  for  a 
tenderer  sentiment — it  became  evident 
to  me  that  Aunt  Sarah  had  been  made 
aware  of  the  incident.  Something,  which 
for  lack  of  a  better  name  we  call  intui 
tion,  told  me  that  Mrs.  Lacquerre  had 
not  informed  Aunt  Sarah  of  my  declara 
tion.  It  may  be  that  Mrs.  Lacquerre's 
serving  maid  (whom  I  nearly  overturned 
behind  the  portieres  when  I  abruptly 
left  the  room)  was  Aunt  Sarah's  in 
formant.  I  knew  that  such  maids  earn 
gratuities  of  slightly  used  gloves,  parasols 
and  other  utilities  of  feminine  attire,  by 
repeating  the  particulars  of  any  scene  of 
80 


Cupid  and  Politics 

a  sentimental  or  roguish  nature  of  which 
they  have  independent  though  sur 
reptitious  knowledge. 

However,  Aunt  Sarah  knew  of  my 
proposal,  and  professed  to  be  deeply  in 
censed,  declaring  that  she  had  been  made 
ridiculous  by  having  a  nephew  of  hers 
follow  the  example  of  every  fool  boy  in 
New  York,  who,  she  declared,  had  the 
habit  of  proposing  marriage  to  Mrs.  Jack 
Lacquerre. 

"  With  your  serious,  intellectual  train 
ing,"  remarked  Aunt  Sarah  to  me  with 
painful  severity  of  mien,  "  I  felt  safe  in 
the  belief  that  you  would  not  be  trapped 
by  Mrs.  Jack's  flinty  beauty  and  slangy 
wit !  " 

"  Dear  Aunt  Sarah,"  I  responded, 
"  your  reproof  may  be  deserved,  but  it 
is  based  upon  false  premises ;  I  was  not 
trapped  but  repulsed  by  Mrs.  Lacquerre. 
I  now  hold  towards  her  a  relationship 
81 


Reuben  Larkmead 


marked  by  amiability  and  confidence, 
not  so  much  as  tinged  by  sentiment. 
Mrs.  Lacquerre's  refusal  of  me  was 
singularly  decisive,  but  she  generously 
suggested  the  continuance  of  our  ac 
quaintance  for  the  purpose,  as  she 
quaintly  phrased  it,  of  '  saving  me.'  " 

This  explanation,  so  far  from  allaying 
Aunt  Sarah's  ruffled  temper,  seemed  but 
to  arouse  it  to  more  perplexing  feminine 
flights. 

"  Save  you  !  "  she  sneered — I  had  al 
most  written  "  snorted,"  but  we  should 
practise  restraint  in  describing  woman's 
manifestations  of  humors.  "  A  man  with 
your  income  needs  no  saving.  Young 
men  without  incomes  may  need  saving 
and  usually  do,  but  worldly  salvation  is 
one  of  the  blessings  attached  to  an  in 
come  like  yours.  What  that  woman 
wants  is  to  train  you  up  for  that  black 
faced  slip  of  a  prig,  Frances,  her  daughter." 
82 


Cupid  and  Politics 


"  Dear  aunt,"  I  cried  in  confusion, 
"  Mrs.  Lacquerre  is  as  little  likely  to 
want  me  for  Frances  as  I  am  to  want 
Frances  or  Frances  want  me." 

This  earnest  assertion  much  mollified 
aunt,  and  she  continued  in  more  amicable 
accents : 

"  Well,  Reuben,  I  was  shocked  at  hear 
ing  of  your  silly  infatuation  for  Mrs. 
Jack,  but  if  it  has  all  passed,  and  you 
are  certain  that  you  have  no  tendre  for 
Frances,  little  harm  is  done.  I  have  no 
patience  with  that  girl  Frances !  She 
assumes  a  manner.  Nothing  is  such  bad 
manners  as  a  manner.  She  goes  about 
with  that  beak  of  a  nose  of  hers  tilted  at 
the  world  as  if  she  found  most  of  it  not 
good  enough  for  her  and  didn't  happen 
to  like  the  rest.  She  has  refused  half  a 
dozen  good  offers  for  the  delirious  reason 
that  the  men  who  proposed  had  done 
nothing  !  A  man  who  has  a  good  in- 
83 


Reuben  Larkmead 


come,  by  that  fact  alone,  has  done  every 
thing  on  earth  any  sane  woman  can  ask 
of  any  man. 

"  Now,  my  daughter — I  refer  to  your 
dear  Cousin  Josephine — has  no  such  silly 
oddities.  She  would  ask  nothing  of  a 
man  with  an  income.  She  is  sane  and 
safe.  She  is  a  girl  who  will  make  a 
lovely  wife  for  some  man.  Even  the 
biggest  fool  living  could  get  along  with 
Josephine.  Here  the  dear  child  comes 
now.  Drive  in  the  park  with  her,  Reu 
ben,  and  then  come  back  for  tea.  I'd  go 
with  you,  were  it  not  that  it  gives  me  a 
headache  to  drive  in  the  park  in  summer 
- — trying  to  avert  my  eyes  from  men  I 
know  who  are  driving  with  women  I 
don't  know.  But  you  and  Josephine 
will  get  along  together  nicely." 

That  is  a  fair  report  of  several  conver 
sations  I  had  with  Aunt  Sarah. 

I  am  not  a  vain  man,  in  spite  of  what 
84 


Cupid  and  Politics 


warrant  I  may  have  for  vanity.  I  am,  I 
hope,  a  man  of  natural  gallantry,  there 
fore  I  refrain  from  hinting  at  a  suspicion 
aroused  in  me  at  that  time  that  Aunt  Sarah 
had  designs  which  would  have  made  me 
her  son-in-law  as  well  as  her  nephew.  If 
I  permitted  myself  so  to  hint  it  would 
explain  why  these  memoirs  have  lacked 
allusions  to  Aunt  Sarah.  In  short,  I 
went  to  her  house  only  for  such  period 
ical  and  formal  calls  as  my  duty  pre 
scribed. 

Mrs.  Lacquerre,  in  relation  to  her 
daughter,  was  quite  unlike  Aunt  Sarah. 
She  had,  as  I  have  faithfully  recorded, 
said,  with  the  frankness  so  characteristic 
of  her,  that  she  would  like  me  for  a  son- 
in-law.  But  her  later  comments  on  the 
subject  deprived  her  views  of  any  shade 
of  compliment.  There  was  nothing  per 
sonal  to  me  in  her  preference ;  it  related 
wholly  to  my  bank  account.  When  I 
85 


Reuben  Larkmead 


called  to  ask  her  to  the  ceremonies  of  the 
Reuben  Larkmead  Social  and  Outing 
Club  banner-raising,  she  said  to  me : 

"  This  political  pother  of  yours  may 
make  you  strong  with  Frances.  She's  a 
queer  proposition,  that  gal  of  mine  is, 
and  I  hope  the  Lord  will  temper  the 
wind  to  the  lamb  she  corrals.  Don't 
look  shocked,  Reuben.  All  I  want  is 
that  she'll  marry  rich  so  that  I  won't 
have  to  support  her.  I'm  a  poor  woman. 
Every  one  knows  exactly  what  poor  Jack 
left  me,  and  it's  too  shy  of  fifty  thou'  a 
year  to  please  Mrs.  Jack  Lacquerre — if 
any  one  should  ask  you  who  ought  to 
know.  So  Frances  must  marry  an  in 
come.  That's  about  all  I  want  in  a  son- 
in-law,  except  that  he's  lived  out  his  foot- 
light  fancies  and  never  calls  me  mother. 

"  You'd  do,  of  course,  but  I'm  not 
booming  Frances  to  you.  She's  cranky. 
She  refused  a  hundred  thousand  a  year 
86 


Cupid  and  Politics 


last  month  because  the  man  attached  to 
the  income  hadn't  views  on  imperialism. 
Poor  devil,  he  didn't  know  what  the  girl 
meant  when  she  asked  him.  Gee  !  what's 
imperialism  when  a  man  with  a  hundred 
thou'  a  year  is  asking  you  to  go  to  St. 
Thomas  with  him  ? 

"  By  the  way,  Reuben,  what  the  deuce 
is  imperialism  ?  " 

Mrs.  Lacquerre  asked  the  concluding 
question  with  a  swift  change  to  almost 
childish  simplicity  which  convinced  me 
that,  strange  as  it  seems,  she  was  unin 
formed  on  the  most  vital  political  prob 
lem  we  have  to  meet.  I  gladly  elucidated 
the  policies  involved  in  the  government 
of  our  insular  possessions,  and  informed 
her  that  she  would  be  much  improved 
by  my  remarks  on  the  subject  at  the  ban 
ner-raising.  She  was  greatly  provoked 
to  find  that  the  date  conflicted  with  an 
important  social  engagement  she  could 
87 


Reuben  Larkmead 


not  evade,  but  assured  me  that  Frances 
would  go  if  I  had  a  petticoat  in  my  party 
to  chaperon  her. 

I  had  asked  Aunt  Sarah  and  Cousin 
Josephine  to  be  my  guests  on  banner- 
raising  night,  so  I  inquired,  somewhat 
doubtfully,  if  Aunt  Sarah  would  answer 
as  chaperon  for  Frances.  Mrs.  Lacquerre 
replied  with  much  glee  that  the  plan  was 
admirable. 

"  Your  Aunt  Sally  hates  Frances  and 
Frances  hates  your  aunt,  so  they'll  do 
beautifully  as  chaperon  and  maid,"  she 
said. 

The  banner-raising  was  that  evening, 
and  I  returned  to  my  hotel  to  once  more 
go  over  my  speech,  which,  as  I  have  inti 
mated,  was  to  deal  with  the  questions  of 
imperialism  and  of  our  foreign  policy  as 
it  should  be  directed  in  regard  to  the 
ultimate  adjustment  of  the  Far  East 
problem. 

88 


Cupid  and  Politics 


I  drove  with  my  party — Aunt  Sarah, 
Josephine  and  Frances — to  the  hall  for 
the  banner-raising,  and  was  much  grati 
fied  to  be  received  by  a  vast  number  of 
enthusiastic  citizens,  led  by  my  manager, 
Mr.  Hogan,  all  of  whom  received  me 
with  hilarious  shouts,  inquiring,  "  What's 
the  matter  with  Reuben  Larkmead?" 
and  the  response,  "  He's  all  right !  " 

I  could  not  but  observe,  as  we  alighted 
from  our  carriage,  in  the  glare  of  many 
electric  lights,  that  while  Frances  seemed 
elated  and  "  lit  up,"  as  the  saying  is,  by 
the  crowd  and  the  shouts,  both  aunt 
and  Josephine  were  nervous  and  even 
alarmed.  They  repeatedly  asked  if  it 
would  be  safe  for  them  to  go  into  the 
hall  filled  with  such  common  people  as 
were  there  gathered  to  greet  us,  but 
Frances  assured  them  that  so  far  as  she 
was  concerned  she  was  delighted  for  once 
to  be  close  to  the  common  people,  and 
89 


Reuben  Larkmead 


only  wished  that  she  was  going  to  have 
a  chance  to  talk  to  them. 

Mr.  Hogan  and  a  young  female  he  in 
troduced  as  "  My  steady  " — a  foreign  name, 
I  assumed — escorted  us  to  the  hall  and 
seated  us  on  the  stage,  where  there  were 
a  number  of  young  ladies  of  the  same 
nationality,  presumably,  as  Miss  My- 
steady.  The  hall  rapidly  filled  until 
there  was  no  more  room  for  spectators, 
and  then  Mr.  Hogan  introduced  me  in 
terms  my  modesty  forbids  me  to  repeat, 
and  instantly  there  were  loud  demands 
for  "  Speech  !  " 

I  was  prepared  and  at  once  began  my 
oration.  For  a  little  time  the  crowd  was 
silent,  but  soon  there  were  interruptions, 
which  I  could  not  but  feel  intimated  an 
impatience  with  my  subject.  This  sur 
prised  me,  for  I  had  been  informed  that 
my  audience  included  men  who  made 
their  living  by  politics,  and  my  speech 
90 


Cupid  and  Politics 


dealt  only  with  topics  which  every  politi 
cian  should  be  eager  to  hear  discussed. 
I  overheard  through  all  the  tumult  fre 
quent  expressions  of  fear  from  Aunt  and 
Josephine,  but  Frances  was  silent,  and 
once  when  I  glanced  at  her  I  saw  that 
her  cheeks  and  eyes  burned  with  indig 
nant  reproof  of  the  interruptions.  These 
became  more  unmannerly,  and  at  last 
there  were  churlish  demands  for  "  Leave 
to  print,"  "  Sing  it  to  us "  and  other 
irrelevant  cries. 

I  was  ever  slow  to  wrath.  I  felt  that 
my  hearers  needed  just  the  instruction  I 
was  giving  to  them  and  I  determined  to 
continue  if  possible.  Soon  it  was  impos 
sible.  There  were  cries  for  me  to  return 
to  the  woods,  though  there  are  no  woods 
near  Beetville ;  suggestions  that  my  hair 
was  powdered  with  hayseed  and  other 
comments  which  at  last  merged  into 
laughter  and  jeers  of  such  volume  and 
91 


Reuben  Larkmead 


strength  that  I  could  not  even  hear  my 
self.  Still,  I  should  have  persisted  had 
not  a  sudden  and  dramatic  silence  dis 
tracted  me,  and,  turning  to  follow  the 
surprised  glances  of  the  audience,  I  saw 
Frances  rise  from  her  seat  and  approach 
the  front  of  the  platform  with  hand 
uplifted  and  eyes  blazing.  Out  of  the 
silence,  which  was  now  as  striking  as  the 
tumult  had  been,  her  voice  rose  clear  and 
determined  as  she  exclaimed  : 

"  I  am  the  daughter  of  the  late  Jack 
Lacquerre,  who  was  a  leader  here  when 
you  dogs  had  a  gentleman  for  leader. 
Do  you  remember  him?  Did  he  ever 
fear  you  ?  " 

I  was  as  dumbfounded  as  the  other 
hearers,  for  there  was  absolutely  no  re 
sponse  other  than  the  breath  of  low, 
excited  questionings. 

"  You  know  me,"  she  continued.  "  You 
recognize  a  lady.  Why  do  you  not 


Cupid  and  Politics 

recognize  a  gentleman  when  you  are  so 
fortunate  as  to  see  one.  You  are  igno 
rant,  yet  when  this  gentleman  comes  to 
instruct  you  you  act  like  cowardly  beasts. 
I  wish  I  were  a  man  !  " 

At  this  point  there  were  interruptions, 
and  to  my  surprise  all  of  a  nature  which 
showed  that  Frances,  instead  of  offending 
the  men  by  her  words,  had  pleased  them 
mightily. 

"  Go  it,  lady  !  "  they  cried.  "  You  are 
the  real  thing.  What's  the  matter  with 
Jack  Lacquerre's  girl?  She's  all  right. 
You  write  Reuben's  speeches  and  we'll 
listen  !  " 

I  was  quite  overwhelmed  with  conflict 
ing  emotions.  There  I  was,  protected,  in 
effect,  by  a  slender  girl,  unable  to  control 
a  mob  she  quelled  with  ease.  I  felt  my 
throat  swell,  so  that  for  an  instant, 
though  I  tried,  I  could  not  speak.  My 
slow  wrath  was  rising,  and  I  began  to  see 
93 


Reuben  Larkmead 


red,  as  they  say  of  those  insane  with 
rage.  I  wanted  some  object  to  vent  my 
anger  upon  and  it  was  given  to  me. 
While  nearly  every  man  in  the  hall  was 
cheering  and  encouraging  Frances,  a 
little  group  near  the  stage  showed  that 
the  beer  they  had  imbibed  had  made 
them  sullen  instead  of  joyous.  One  of 
this  group  shouted  at  Frances,  "  We  don't 
want  no  swell  rag  like  you  to  come  here 
and  lecture  us.  To  Newport  with  the 
other  monkeys  for  yours  !  " 

Then  I  lost  control  of  myself.  I 
jumped  from  the  stage  and  had  that 
ruffian's  throat  in  my  hands  almost  be 
fore  I  landed  on  my  feet.  A  man  of  my 
temperament  needs  much  shock  of  op 
position  before  he  is  physically  aroused. 
I  was  struck  in  the  face  by  one  of  the 
man's  companions,  and  then  for  the  first 
time  in  my  life  I  exerted  all  my  strength. 
I  struck  out  madly  and  soon  had  a 
94 


That  ruffian's  throat  in  my  hands — Page  94 


Cupid  and  Politics 


cleared  space  about  me,  and  at  my  feet 
lay  my  assailants. 

Others  came  in  to  assail  me,  but  ahead 
of  them  was  Hogan,  with  some  com 
panions,  and  they  fought  for  me.  There 
was  a  few  minutes'  uproar,  and  then 
Hogan  announced  that  I  would  continue 
my  remarks  unless  there  were  any  more 
gentlemen  who  needed  attention.  Al 
though  I  was  conscious  that  I  had  acted 
most  unwisely,  to  my  surprise  I  was  now 
frantically  cheered  and  encouraged  to  go 
on.  However,  I  abandoned  my  prepared 
effort,  and  in  my  passion  I  talked 
fiercely  about  the  rights  of  free  speech, 
and  was  soon  as  enthusiastically  cheered 
as  I  had  been  jeered. 

At  the  conclusion  of  my  remarks  I 
looked  about  for  my  party,  and  found 
them  gone.  Hogan  explained  that  aunt 
and  cousin  hysterically  demanded  to  be 
taken  away,  and  he  had  escorted  them 


Reuben  Larkmead 


to  my  carriage,  with  Miss  Lacquerre,  the 
latter  protesting  that  she  wanted  to  see 
the  finish,  and  going  reluctantly. 

I  supposed  that  I  had  made  an  utter 
and  dismal  failure  of  my  entrance  into 
politics,  but  to  my  surprise  I  was  visited 
the  next  day  by  a  committee  consisting 
of  Hogan  and  the  men  I  had  thrashed, 
and  they  assured  me  that  I  had  made  a 
genuine  hit,  and  could  get  the  support 
of  every  man  in  the  district  for  any 
thing  I  wanted.  Hogan  as  good  as  con 
fessed  that  he  had  started  in  to  con 
fidence  me  out  of  what  money  he  could, 
but  had  come  really  to  see  a  future  for 
me. 

"  Ah,  then,"  said  I,  "  my  remarks  on 
imperialism  made  an  effect,  after  all." 

"No,   boss,"  replied    Hogan.     "What 

makes  you  strong  with  my  gang  is  that 

the  man   you  first  choked  last  night — 

this  gent  with  his  throat  tied  up — has 

96 


Cupid  and  Politics 


been  the  champion  and  unlicked  middle 
weight  of  the  district." 

"  That's  right,  boss/'  hoarsely  whis 
pered  the  man  with  his  throat  tied  up. 

It  was  comprehensible  enough  that  I 
had  made  a  good  effect  upon  such  men 
by  a  display  of  physical  courage  and 
strength,  but  how  was  I  to  judge  of  the 
world,  when,  that  very  hour,  I  received 
this  astonishing  note : 

"  DEAR  MR.  LARKMEAD  :  That  really 
was  a  very  stupid  speech  you  tried  to 
make  last  night,  but  the  way  you 
thrashed  those  ruffians  was  quite  too 
beautiful.  Mamma  is  dying  to  hear  all 
about  it,  so  you  may  come  to  tea  at  five. 
"  Sincerely, 

"  FRANCES  LACQUERRE." 

I   was    nearly   forced    to    admit   that 
worldly  wisdom   is  not  so  much  to  be 
learned  from  men  who  write  books  on  life, 
as  from  men  and  women  who  live  life. 
97 


CHAPTER  SIX 

THE  MYSTERY  OF  INCOMES 

T  about  this  period  I  received 
an  intimation  from  Uncle 
Silas  that  I  had  been  draw 
ing  with  inconsiderate  pro 
digality  on  my  bank  account. 
As  my  uncle  he  kindly  ad 
vised  me  not  to  stint  my 
self  in  those  forms  of  modish  enter 
tainment  to  which  I,  as  a  young  gen 
tleman  of  wealth  and  family,  should 
accustom  myself ;  while  as  my  banker  he 
offered  to  my  consideration  the  indubi 
table  truth  that  a  bank  balance  even  be 
yond  the  fancy  of  fiction  was  capable  of 
exhaustion. 

I  confided  the  tenor  of  his  observations 
to  Mrs.  Lacquerre,  who  inspired  me  with 
98 


The  Mystery  of  Incomes 

that  kind  of  confidence  which  led  me  to 
seek  her  advice  and  sympathetic  under 
standing  in  my  worldly  affairs.  After 
hearing  what  Uncle  Silas  said  about  in 
comes  she  remarked  that  in  the  case  of 
mine  there  seemed  no  safety  but  in  mar 
riage. 

"  But,  Lord  save  us  !  "  she  added,  with 
that  whimsical  emphasis  to  which  I  found 
it  difficult  to  accustom  myself  in  a  woman 
of  her  station.  "  But,  Lord  save  us,  Reu 
ben,  I'm  not  so  cinchy  sure  that  the 
remedy  I  suggest  isn't  worse  than  the 
disease !  There  are  worse  things  in  life 
than  being  broke,  and  being  married  to 
the  wrong  gal  is  one  of  them.  Some  men 
find  it  more  expensive  to  support  a  fam 
ily  than  to  live  en  garcon,  but  you  are 
not  one  of  those  men.  It  would  be  an 
economy  for  you  to  marry.  You  are  now 
the  victim  of  every  confidence  man  who 
has  the  wit  or  luck  to  keep  in  the  fringe 
99 


Reuben  Larkmead 


of  society,  and  my,  my,  what  a  lot  of  them 
there  are !  " 

I  smiled  indulgently  at  her  delusion 
that  I  could  again  be  the  dupe  of  a  rogue, 
and  begged  her  to  proceed  with  her  re 
marks  until  I  should  see  the  logic — if 
there  were  any — of  her  contention  that  a 
man  could  live  married  on  less  than  he 
needed  to  remain  single. 

"Oh,"  replied  she  merrily,  "  if  we  are 
to  hold  fast  to  logic  I  insist  that  my 
premises  be  not  perverted.  I  did  not  say 
that  a  man  could  live  married  on  less 
than  he  needed  as  a  bachelor,  but  on  less 
than  he  sometimes  spends  as  a  bachelor. 
You  do  not  need  half,  not  a  quarter,  of 
what  you  spend.  The  balance  a  clever 
wife  would  save  for  you — to  spend  on 
herself.  Many  a  woman  lives  well  in  our 
society  on  what  she  saves  from  the  in 
come  of  a  man  who,  before  she  married 
him,  was  always  in  debt  with  the  same 
100 


The  Mystery  of  Incomes 

income.  A  clever  wife  would  save  you 
from  being  buncoed ;  would  see  that 
you  were  properly  dressed — I  note  that 
you  are  improving  in  that  respect — 
would  discourage  you  from  playing  faro, 
the  races,  stocks  or  any  other  sure-thing 
game,  and  would  give  you  a  home  where 
the  cooking  and  service  would  equal 
your  club's." 

"  Then,  madam,"  I  said,  grasping  at 
the  moral  of  her  preachment,  "  you  ad 
vise  me  to  get  married." 

"  No,  I'll  be  hanged  if  I  do,  Reuben," 
she  replied.  "  I  only  say  that  if  you 
can't,  unaided,  keep  out  of  the  clutches 
of  chevaliers  d'industrie  you  should  marry 
a  woman  who  will  shoo  them  away 
from  you.  You've  a  corking  big  in 
come,  which  is  now  largely  going  to 
the  support  of  gentlemen  who  live  by 
their  wits." 

I  could  only  laugh  at  this  frankness, 
101 


Reuben  Larkmead 


for  from  her  it  was  an  amusement.  And, 
of  course,  I  could  but  smile  at  her  impli 
cation  that  I  could  ever  be  caught  by  the 
devices  of  another  chevalier  d'industrie. 
I  told  her  that  to  avoid  even  the  contact 
of  such  persons  I  intended  to  move  into 
an  apartment  and  set  up  a  modest  estab 
lishment  of  my  own.  She  inquired  if  I 
had  yet  selected  an  apartment,  and  when 
I  assured  her  that  I  was  still  undecided, 
she  frankly  told  me  that  I  would  do  well 
to  leave  the  matter  to  her,  and  probably 
thereby  save  myself  trouble. 

This  was  rather  more  patronage  than  I 
was  prepared  to  endure,  so  I  informed 
her  that  I  felt  competent  to  rent  a  home 
for  myself,  and  departed  to  go  about  that 
very  business.  Alas ! 

As  I  have  intimated,  many  men  had 

sought  my  acquaintance  at  the  hotel — 

rather   too  many.     It  was  a  matter   of 

pride,  to  be  sure,  that  I,  a  stranger,  should 

102 


The  Mystery  of  Incomes 

be  sought  so  extensively.  Also  it  is  a  fact 
to  which  I  feel  at  liberty  to  advert  that 
seldom  had  I  met  men  in  the  lobbies  of 
my  hotel  who  failed  to  express  a  pleasant 
appreciation  of  my  merits.  But  an  un 
fortunate  characteristic  about  nearly  every 
man  and  woman  who  called  on  me  at  that 
time  was  that  he  or  she  suffered  from 
temporary  financial  embarrassment.  And 
while  the  demand  for  money  increased 
alarmingly,  the  return  of  loans  remained 
non  inventus. 

In  looking  through  a  list  of  apartments 
proffered  in  reply  to  an  advertisement  I 
found  one  peculiarly  suited  to  my  wants ; 
the  more  so  as  the  furniture  of  the  apart 
ment  was  offered  for  sale.  A  man  who 
introduced  himself  as  Mr.  Van  Alpine, 
called  on  me,  in  response  to  my  request, 
and  explained  the  circumstances  which 
forced  him  to  dispose  of  the  furnishings 
of  his  apartment,  as  well  as  to  offer  the 
103 


Reuben  Larkmead 


favorable  lease  he  held.  It  was  simply 
that  his  business  compelled  him,  unex 
pectedly,  to  reside  in  Boston,  and  he  re 
marked  that  "  a  moving  is  as  bad  as  a 
fire,"  so  he  had  decided  to  sell. 

I  went  to  his  apartment  with  him  and 
found  that  he  had  in  no  degree  exagger 
ated  the  extent  and  elegance  of  the  fur 
nishing  and  decorations.  I  had  seen 
enough  of  undoubted  elegance  at  the 
homes  Aunt  Sarah's  and  Mrs.  Lacquerre's 
kindness  opened  to  me,  to  know  that 
here  was  a  collection  of  great  merit  and 
richness. 

When  we  had  examined  the  rooms  and 
their  belongings  the  gentleman  offered  me 
refreshments,  stating  that  he  had  dis 
missed  his  servants,  being  on  the  very  eve 
of  departure,  so  he  would  have  to  serve 
me  after  his  own  fashion.  It  was  a  pretty 
fashion,  though,  for  he  soon  had  a  table 
spread  with  delectable  sandwiches,  choice 
104 


The  Mystery  of  Incomes 


fruit  and  a  bottle  of  vintage  champagne  ; 
placing  these  before  me  in  a  manner  so 
deft  and  neat  that  it  added  to  my  appe 
tite. 

When  we  had  partaken  of  the  repast  I 
asked  my  host  at  what  he  valued  the 
furnishings  as  they  stood.  He  replied 
with  a  slightly  wry  face  that  he  had  no 
trouble  in  giving  me  exact  figures  of  the 
cost,  as  he  had  but  lately  paid  the  bills. 
They  amounted,  in  fact,  to  a  little  more 
than  $10,000.  "  But,  Mr.  Larkmead,"  he 
added,  "  I  am  a  man  who  takes  his  medi 
cine,  as  the  saying  is,  and  I  know  that  a 
forced  sale  makes  a  pretty  purchase.  Say 
$5,000  cash  and  I'll  pocket  the  loss  and 
sign  the  bill  over  another  bottle." 

I  thought  myself  too  sharp  to  bite  at 
this  attractive  bait,  and  replied  :  "  Say 
$2,500  and  the  check  is  yours." 

He  smiled  politely  as  he  responded : 
"I  am  obliged  to  you  for  looking  over 
105 


Reuben  Larkmead 


my  belongings,  but  if  that  is  all  you  will 
pay  for  them  the  interview  need  not  be 
prolonged." 

"  Good-day,  Mr.  Van  Alpine,"  I  said, 
rising  to  depart,  but  he  motioned  me  to 
be  seated,  and  remained  for  some  minutes 
in  seeming  deep  conjecture.  Then  he 
said  impulsively  :  "  Sir,  I  am  no  sales 
man,  and  cannot  haggle  for  a  bargain. 
My  immediate  concern  is  to  have  this 
business  at  an  end.  Therefore,  sir,  the 
goods  are  yours  for  the  check." 

I  wrote  the  check  with  a  trembling 
hand,  fearing  a  change  of  mind  on  his 
part,  but  he  accepted  it  as  if  glad  that  the 
business  were  off  his  mind.  We  left  the 
house  together,  he  to  close  his  affairs 
down  town,  he  said,  I  to  order  my  trunks 
packed. 

***** 

Alas  !   the  schemes  of  the  wicked  are 
devious  and  deep.     My  pride  received  a 
106 


The  Mystery  of  Incomes 


hurt  which  even  now  I  confess  with  mor 
tification.  But  confess  I  must,  and,  as  I 
do  all  things,  in  an  orderly  manner. 

Having  seen  to  the  packing  of  my  be 
longings  at  the  hotel,  and  taking  a  little 
satchel  containing  my  jewelry  and  trin 
kets  in  my  hand,  I  proceeded  to  my  new 
apartment.  I  entered  by  the  key  the 
man  had  given  to  me,  and  making  a  more 
leisurely  survey  of  the  premises,  found  a 
number  of  art  treasures  which  delighted 
me  by  their  richness.  I  found,  too,  that 
a  set  of  oak  book  shelves  were  wisely 
stored,  and  taking  a  favorite  volume  of 
history,  I  seated  myself  to  pass  the  time 
profitably  pending  the  arrival  of  my 
trunks. 

My  excitement  over  my  favoring  for 
tune  and  the  exciting  nature  of  the  chap 
ter  I  was  reading,  "  Angels'  Traces  in 
Aryan  Sources,"  combined  to  produce  a 
thirst  which  reminded  me  of  the  conve- 
107 


Reuben  Larkmead 


nient  wine  closet,  and  soon  I  was  seated 
before  a  blazing  gas  log,  a  bottle  open  by 
my  side,  smoking  an  excellent  cigar  and 
delightfully  absorbed  in  my  engaging 
chapter.  Thus  disposed,  I  was  surprised 
suddenly  to  find  a  stranger  standing  near 
me,  and  was  pained  to  note  that  he  was 
in  imminent  danger  of  a  stroke  of  ap 
oplexy. 

"  Sir,"  I  said,  "  although  you  have  en 
tered  my  apartment  uninvited,  your  dis 
tress  appeals  acutely  to  my  sympathy.  I 
beg  of  you  to  be  seated  until  you  have 
averted  by  rest  a  shock  which  seems 
likely  to  end  your  life  unless  precautions 
are  taken." 

The  intruder,  an  elderly  gentleman, 
had  the  appearance  of  having  just  left  a 
train,  was  stout,  well  dressed,  a  familiar 
type,  in  short,  of  a  prosperous  New 
Yorker  of  leisure.  In  response  to  my 
polite  speech  he  tried  to  speak,  but  only 
108 


"  I  beg  you  to  be  calm." — Page  109 


The  Mystery  of  Incomes 

sputtered,  or  at  best  emitted  inarticulate 
gurgles.  "  Be  seated,"  I  urged.  "  Be 
seated  and  partake  of  a  glass  of  this  ex 
cellent  wine." 

By  a  supreme  effort  he  succeeded  in 
exclaiming,  "  Who  the  devil  are  you  and 
what  the  devil  are  you  doing  in  my 
apartment?" 

Deciding  that  he  was  some  mildly  in 
sane  person  I  said  reassuringly,  "  I  beg 
of  you  to  be  calm  and  tell  me  where  you 
live,  that  I  may  send  for  your  friends." 

The  gentleman  rang  an  electric  bell 
and  then  sank  into  a  chair.  To  a  uni 
formed  attendant,  who  quickly  responded 
to  the  bell,  he  said,  "  Now,  who  in  thun 
der  is  this  person  and  how  in  thunder 
did  he  get  in  here?  " 

"  He's   the   clock   mender,   sir.     Your 

valet  brought  him  here  and  said  that  he 

was  to  return  with  his  tools  and  mend 

some  clocks.     So  when  he  returned  with 

109 


Reuben  Larkmead 


his  satchel  of  tools  we  supposed  it  was  all 
right." 

"  My  valet,  Barker ! "  exclaimed  the 
gentleman,  and  then  went  into  gales  of 
laughter,  from  which  unseemly  mirth  I 
feared  he  would  not  emerge  alive.  But 
he  quieted  enough  to  say,  as  he  wiped 
his  eyes,  "  Oh,  Barker  I  Oh,  my  Lord  ! 
Oh,  that  precious  rascal !  Oh,  Barker, 
the  villain  !  Has  he  done  you,  my  good 
man  ?  Tell  me  the  story." 

Not  relishing  being  called  "  my  good 
man,"  I  replied  with  dignity,  and  briefly 
told  how  I  came  into  possession  of  the 
rooms. 

I  will  not  prolong  the  painful  tale  of 
truths  as  they  slowly  evolved  during  the 
next  few  hours  while  we  were  in  commu 
nication  with  the  superintendent  of  the 
house  and  the  police.  Briefly  let  me  ex 
plain  :  The  gentleman  was  the  real  Mr. 
Van  Alpine,  and  the  unwhipped  rascal 
110 


The  Mystery  of  Incomes 


from  whom  I  supposed  I  was  buying  the 
furniture  was  a  discharged  valet  named 
Barker.  Mr.  Van  Alpine  had  been 
warned  by  the  police  of  Barker's  char 
acter  only  a  few  hours  before  he  (Mr. 
Van  Alpine)  had  left  town,  and,  unfor 
tunately,  had  overlooked  telling  the 
superintendent  of  the  apartment  house 
about  the  dishonest  valet.  Therefore 
Barker  had  been  at  liberty  to  come  and 
go  as  if  he  were  still  employed  by  Mr. 
Van  Alpine.  He  had  taken  me  there 
under  the  pretense  that  I  was  a  clock 
mender,  and  when  we  left  the  house  had 
quietly  spoken  to  the  superintendent, 
saying  that  I  would  return  with  a  kit  of 
tools  and  repair  the  clocks.  I  had 
chanced  to  mention  to  the  conscienceless 
villain  my  plan  of  returning  with  a  hand 
bag  of  my  jewelry,  and  he  had  quickly 
taken  advantage  of  the  information  to 
provide  against  my  being  refused  admit- 
Ill 


Reuben  Larkmead 


tance.  The  police  informed  me  that 
Barker  was  a  quick  moving  fellow,  and 
so  we  learned  when  the  bank  reported 
that  the  check  had  been  cashed  within 
an  hour  of  my  drawing  it. 

When  the  real  Mr.  Van  Alpine  heard 
my  name  he  asked  me  if  I  chanced  to  be 
related  to  Si  Larkmead,  and  when  I  in 
formed  him  that  Silas  Larkmead  was  my 
uncle  he  looked  at  me  in  astonishment, 
and  murmured  over  and  over,  "  A  nephew 
of  sly  old  Si,  and  such  an  easy  mark  !  " 

I  did  not  know  what  he  meant,  but  re 
port  his  words  as  the  concluding  truth  of 
the  incident. 

I  told  Mrs.  Lacquerre  of  my  experi 
ence,  and  she  insisted  that  she  would 
personally  instal  me  in  an  apartment 
and  supply  me  with  a  valet  who  would 
prevent  me  from  being  kidnapped.  She 
seemed  to  consider  the  advantage  a  little 
joke. 

112 


The  Mystery  of  Incomes 

Surely  it  is  no  joke  that  the  devil  can 
so  well  counterfeit  the  livery  of  heaven 
for  the  confounding  of  the  innocent : 
were  it  not  better  in  the  scheme  of  things 
that  the  unrighteous,  rather  than  those 
who  shun  the  ways  of  the  wicked,  should 
find  such  pitfalls  in  their  paths  ? 


113 


CHAPTER  SEVEN 

A  WORLDLING  ON  SOCIETY 

[HE  change  in  my  estate  soon 
became  so  notable  that  I  had 
a  sense  of  being  another  per 
son  than  the  Reuben  Lark- 
mead  who  came  to  New  York 
from  Beetville  to  finish  his 
education  in  the  School  of 
Man.  I  had  seen  several  finishes,  as  the 
saying  is,  but  my  education  still  pro 
gressed. 

When  I  first  came  here  I  supposed  that 
to  a  man  of  my  superior  intelligence  the 
doors  of  New  York's  literary  and  artistic 
sets  would  fly  open  in  welcome ;  I  was 
convinced  that  the  advent  of  a  scholar 
and  a  gentleman  would  be  heralded  as  an 
event  of  importance  ;  I  imagined  that  the 
114 


A  Worldling  on  Society 


income  I  enjoyed  would  be  sufficient  of 
itself — if  no  other  attribute  did  so — to  at 
tract  the  attention  of  financiers ;  that  to 
one  so  well  equipped  with  profound  views 
on  matters  of  national  policies,  statesmen 
would  extend  the  calm  hands  of  fellow 
ship.  Not  so ! 

As  I  was  quick  to  perceive  conditions 
and  sensitive  to  environment,  I  con 
cluded,  after  but  a  few  months  of  neglect, 
that  I  must  not  wait  in  modest  retire 
ment  for  a  call  to  make  my  merits 
known  ;  but,  as  a  quaint  saying  in  vogue 
here  expresses  it,  "  butt  in  "  wherever  I 
wished  to  enter.  I  found  it  repellent  to 
my  sense  of  duty  to  adopt  Mrs.  Lac- 
querre's  advice  to  let  the  world  wag  as  it 
would,  undeflected  by  effort  of  mine  to 
wag  it  as  I  would.  She  counseled  me 
that  men  of  wealth  and  social  position 
had  found  it  futile  to  attempt  to  take  the 
conduct  of  public  affairs  out  of  the  hands 
115 


Reuben  Larkmead 


of  men  of  no  wealth  and  no  social  posi 
tion.  She  expressed  herself  on  the  sub 
ject  in  those  vague  generalities  common 
to  her  sex,  as  when  she  said  : 

"  The  people  have  determined  that  be 
fore  a  man  shall  be  trusted  with  the  di 
rection  of  public  affairs  he  shall  have 
proved  himself  incapable  of  conducting 
any  other  affairs  successfully ;  shall  not 
have  obtained  a  competence  nor  social 
distinction  :  such  attainments  being  evi 
dence  of  unfitness  to  guide  the  affairs  of 
those  who  have  failed  to  attain  either. 

"  Dear  old  Jack,"  the  lady  continued, 
speaking  of  the  late  Mr.  Lacquerre, 
"  while  he  was  well  housebroke,  and  did 
not  interfere  with  my  way  of  running 
our  domestic  affairs,  had  a  fussy  notion 
that  a  man  of  leisure  and  education 
should  devote  some  of  his  means  and 
brains  to  the  conduct  of  public  affairs. 
What  did  he  get  oat  of  it?  A  diamond 
116 


A  Worldling  on  Society 


studded  match-box,  for  which  he  had  to 
pay  in  the  end,  as  well  as  the  bill  for  the 
dinner  at  which  it  was  presented  by  his 
adoring  district  club — which  denied  him 
a  nomination  to  Congress  on  the  ground 
that  his  income  and  social  popularity 
made  him  obnoxious  to  the  voters. 

"  It  served  the  dear  old  chap  right  for 
mixing  up  outside  of  his  class.  Bah ! 
Take  a  worldling's  advice,  Reuben,  and 
believe  that  no  man  or  woman  was  ever 
really  comfortable  in  a  position  won  by 
butting  in.  Not  that  you  can't  get  any 
thing  you  pine  for,  from  the  Presidency 
to  an  invitation  to  occupy  an  opera  box — 
on  a  repeat  night — by  hard,  consistent 
butting.  But  when  you've  got  it,  and 
know  that  you  got  it  by  butting,  that 
knowledge  must  destroy  any  feeling  of 
triumph.  When  one  knows  that  he  is  de 
trop,  and  yet  can  enjoy  the  situation,  one 
is  a  pig.  Keep  to  your  own  class,  to  your 
117 


Reuben  Larkmead 


own  set  in  your  own  class,  and,  as  much 
as  possible,  to  your  own  gang  in  your  own 
set.  Then  there  will  be  no  more  ham 
mers  out  for  you  than  are  needed  for  your 
proper  guidance. 

"  You  are  started  right  at  last,  in  your 
own  apartment,  with  your  own  servants ; 
and  the  thing  for  you  to  do  is  to  pace 
along  soberly  until  you  have  snuggled 
into  a  set.  Then  make  your  own  gang, 
and  at  last  you  will  begin  to  have  inter 
ests  in  common  with  others ;  common 
duties,  recreations,  follies  and  virtues  with 
a  few  men  and  women.  That,  my  boy,  is 
what  constitutes  society  as  society  is 
spoken  of  among  us. 

"  A  woman,  let  us  say,  comes  to  New 
York  and  is  introduced  in  the  Brown- 
Smith-Jones  set,  and  straightway  thinks 
she  is  in  the  Brown-Smith-Jones  society. 
She  probably  met  them,  as  a  matter  of 
fact,  because  Brown  or  Smith  or  Jones 
118 


A  Worldling  on  Society 


wanted  to  pull  her  husband's  leg.  When 
the  leg  is  pulled — nothing  more  doing, 
Reuben  !  The  Brown-Smith-Joneses  have 
common  interests  grown  up  out  of  a  life 
time  of  intimate  association.  What  the 
deuce  do  they  want  with  Mrs.  Lady- 
whose  -  husband's  -  leg  -  has  -  been  -  pulled  ? 
Nothing  !  Nevertheless,  the  lady's  local 
home  paper  prints  with  pride  that  she  is 
in  the  Brown-Smith-Jones  set  in  New 
York.  But  she  knows  she  isn't.  My, 
my,  honey,  how  hard  she  knows  she 
isn't ! " 

After  my  experience  with  that  rascal 
valet,  Barker,  the  matter  of  engaging  an 
apartment  for  me  was  undertaken  by 
Mrs.  Lacquerre,  to  my  great  relief  of 
mind.  She  also  obtained  a  valet  for  me, 
but  when  I  urged  her  to  order  the  fur 
nishing  for  my  apartment  she  declined. 

"  Let  your  Aunt  Sally  do  that,"  she 
said.  "  Dear  Sally  is  having  frequent 
119 


Reuben  Larkmead 


fits  over  our  chumship — yours  and  mine 
— in  fear  that  I'll  capture  you  for  my  gal, 
Frances.  It  would  look  rather  mother- 
in-lawy  for  me  to  spend  any  money  for 
you,  so  let  dear  Sally  shop  for  you. 
Sally's  a  fool  in  many  ways,  and  she's 
saying  unlovely  things  about  me  because 
you  don't  marry  your  Cousin  Josephine, 
but  she  has  mighty  good  taste  about 
house  furnishing,  and  will  not  spend  so 
much  money  for  you  as  I  would.  The 
delirious  delight  of  emptying  another 
purse  than  my  own  would  be  too  much 
for  me." 

So  Aunt  Sarah  furnished  the  apart 
ment,  and  with  perfect  taste,  no  doubt ; 
but  if  she  is  an  economical  shopper  I  am 
fortunate  to  have  escaped  the  machina 
tions  of  an  expensive  one. 

My  valet's  name  is  Martin.  I  speak  of 
him  in  the  present  tense  because  he  is 
still  with  me  and  I  hope  will  be,  always. 
120 


A  Worldling  on  Society 


He  is  the  most  peculiar  man  I  ever 
encountered,  chiefly  so  because  there  is 
nothing  peculiar  about  him.  He  has  ab 
solutely  no  mental,  temperamental,  phys 
ical  or  metaphysical  characteristic.  He  is 
neither  tall  nor  short,  thick  nor  thin, 
grave  nor  gay,  mild  nor  peppery,  quick 
nor  slow.  He  fascinates  me,  although 
for  a  time  his  colorlessness  made  me  all 
but  unconscious  of  his  being. 

We  can,  by  study  and  judicial  weigh 
ing,  understand  the  mental  abnormality 
of  holders  of  the  most  radical  views ;  we 
know  what  physical  deviation  from  the 
normal  accounts  for  the  most  grotesque 
deformity  ;  a  man  may  eat  glass,  walk  on 
coals,  beat  his  wife,  delight  in  poetry, 
prefer  lemon  to  milk  in  his  tea,  denounce 
wealth,  commit  murder,  write  book  re 
views,  deny  the  truths  of  higher  criticism, 
become  a  professional  gymnast,  though 
he  may  have  but  one  leg  ;  believe  in  for- 
121 


Reuben  Larkmead 


tune-tellers  or  even  assert  that  the  beet 
sugar  industry  requires  no  protecting 
tariff — yet  by  patient  search  all  these  de 
viations  from  the  normal  human  mind 
or  body  may  be  accounted  for.  But  the 
normal  animal  man !  Has  the  reader 
ever  seen  one  in  whom  some  singularity 
does  not  confuse  a  conception  of  him  as 
a  man,  distract  attention  from  the  fact 
that  the  singularity  was  given  to  him  to 
conceal  the  awful  fact  that  he  is  a  man  ? 

My  man  Martin  is  a  normal  man,  and 
I  am  convinced  that  he  is  the  only  one 
in  existence.  If  he  is  not  a  unique,  his 
replica  would  have  astonished  a  record 
ing  world.  I  exert  my  ingenuity  to  sur 
prise  from  him  evidence  that  he  has  likes 
or  dislikes,  chills  or  fever,  insomnia  or 
drowsiness,  courage  or  cowardice,  ambi 
tion  or  contentment,  hope  or  despair. 
To  no  purpose.  One  must  have  seen 
him  a  dozen  days  to  be  certain  to  recog- 
122 


1 '  I  know  your  uncle's  wants." — Page  123 


A  Worldling  on  Society 


nize  him  on  the  thirteenth,  yet  thereafter 
he  is  the  one  man  in  the  world  impossible 
to  forget. 

I  had  decided  thus  about  him  when  I 
chanced  to  mention  that  I  had  hopes  of 
a  visit  from  my  Uncle  Silas,  and  asked 
him  if  he  could  make  my  uncle  comfort 
able  in  my  apartment. 

"  I  know  your  uncle's  wants  well,  sir," 
replied  Martin,  "  for  I've  taken  care  of 
him  when  he  visited  Mr.  Lacquerre." 

Now  the  fellow  had  never  said  he  knew 
my  uncle,  although  I  had  often  mentioned 
him. 

"  Then  you  may  have  heard  my  uncle 
speak  of  me  ? "  I  asked  with  a  strange 
feeling.  "  Yes,  sir,"  replied  Martin.  "  I 
heard  him  discuss  this  visit  of  yours  with 
Mrs.  Lacquerre.  I  was  her  butler  then. 
Your  uncle  asked  me  if  I  could  accept  a 
place  as  your  man  when  you  were  ready 
to  have  one." 

123 


Reuben  Larkmead 


11  Oh,  indeed  !  "  I  exclaimed,  and  I  am 
conscious  that  I  suddenly  looked  at  him 
as  if  I  had  discovered  a  pool  in  which 
I  could  drop  a  pebble  without  making 
circles. 

In  my  mail  one  morning  was  a  letter 
which  interested  me  much.  It  was  from 
a  stranger  who  pleasantly  told  me  he  had 
chanced  to  see  a  small  man  take  up  arms, 
so  to  say,  against  a  bully  who  was  con 
demning  my  speech  before  the  Reuben 
Larkmead  Club.  It  seems  that  the  events 
of  that  evening  were  the  subject  of  lively 
controversy  in  the  district,  and  my  parti 
san,  in  the  instance  related  by  my  cor 
respondent,  retorted  with  his  fist  when 
my  traducer  grew  violent  in  denouncing 
me.  My  knightly  friend  was  in  a  fair 
way  to  be  roughly  handled,  but  my  cor 
respondent  saved  the  plucky  little  fellow 
from  further  punishment. 

"  I  learned  that  the  little  chap  was 
124 


A  Worldling  on  Society 


out  of  work  and  had  been  ill,"  wrote  my 
correspondent,  "  so  I  took  the  liberty  of 
rewarding  him  for  standing  up  for  you 
against  such  physical  odds.  He  really  is 
in  need  of  more  help  than  I  could  afford 
to  give  him,  but  I  told  him  that  if  he 
would  swallow  his  pride  and  let  you  help 
him  you  would  consider  that  he  had  done 
you  a  further  favor  thereby.  He  was 
loath  to  apply  to  you  for  aid,  but  may  do 
so,  as  his  necessities  are  great.  By  the 
way,  his  name  is  Oscar  Smith." 

I  could  not  but  be  greatly  moved  at 
reading  this  letter,  for  it  was  by  such 
evidence  that  I  kept  faith  in  my  heart 
that  all  New  York  was  not  a  selfish  seek 
ing  crew,  eager  to  impose  on  good  nature 
and  credulity.  Here  was  a  poor  fellow 
in  want  and  ill  who,  without  hope  of 
reward,  took  my  part  to  the  point  of 
physical  assertion.  As  chance  gave  me 
knowledge  of  his  loyal  nature,  I  rejoiced 
125 


Reuben  Larkmead 


at  the  opportunity  to  make  proper  ac 
knowledgment.  I  told  Martin  that  if 
Mr.  Oscar  Smith  called  in  my  absence  he 
was  to  be  detained  until  my  return. 

When  I  returned  to  dress  for  dinner  I 
heard  voices  in  the  dining-room,  which 
aroused  suspicion  that  Martin  was  enter 
taining  callers  there.  As  I  was  about  to 
make  investigation  my  purpose  was  di 
verted  by  hearing  my  name  used  freely 
by  Martin  and  another  speaker. 

Martin  said  in  his  usual  placid  tone, 
"  No,  Mr.  Oscar  Smith,  you  can't  pluck 
Mr.  Larkmead  while  I'm  with  him.  I 
guess  if  you  knew  that  I  was  here  you 
wouldn't  try  that  old  trick  of  pretending 
to  be  a  poor  sick  devil  who  had  struck  a 
bully  in  defense  of  Mr.  Larkmead.  That's 
an  old  time  begging-letter  trick." 

The  caller  made  answer  quite  merrily : 
'  Well,  Martin,  it  was  a  long  shot  to  try 
on  anybody,  but  I'd  heard  that  Mr.  Lark- 
126 


A  Worldling  on  Society 


mead  was  an  easy  mark,  so  I  didn't  waste 
any  new  tricks  on  him  at  the  start.  Of 
course,  if  I'd  known  you  were  here  I'd 
have  tried  the  best  trick  in  my  box,  for 
there's  little  in  the  way  of  my  graft  that 
you  didn't  learn  to  block  when  you  were 
with  Mr.  Lacquerre." 

"  True,"  rejoined  Martin,  in  a  tone  he 
might  have  used  in  discussing  pictures, 
potatoes  or  parties,  "  Mr.  Larkmead  has  it 
in  him  to  be  a  sharp  one,  but,  while  he's 
learning  his  way  around,  you  and  your 
crew  of  bunco  men  will  save  a  lot  of  post 
age  in  cutting  him  off  your  list,  for  I'm 
on  guard  here.  Now  you  may  get  out, 
for  I'm  expecting  Mr.  Larkmead  home 
presently." 

"  So-long,  Martin,"  replied  the  other, 
seemingly  undistressed  by  Martin's  plain 
language.  "  I'm  glad  to  see  you  in  such 
a  good  place.  If  I  think  of  a  new  kind  of 
begging-letter  I'll  try  it  on  you,  for  if  it 
127 


Reuben  Larkmead 


passes  you  it  will  be  good  for  fair.  So- 
long,  Martin." 

I  was  dazed  at  the  condition  revealed 
by  this  fortunately  overheard  conversa 
tion,  and  expected  a  long  explanation 
when  I  asked  Martin  if  any  one  had 
called  that  afternoon. 

"  Only  Mr.  Oscar  Smith,  sir/7  answered 
Martin. 

"  I  told  you  to  keep  him  if  he  should 
call." 

"  There  was  no  use,  sir.  I  gave  him 
what  he  needed." 

"Money?" 

"  No,  sir ;  advice.  I've  known  him  a 
long  time,  and  know  that  all  he  needs  is 
good  advice." 

Martin  said  no  more  about  turning  the 
professional  begging-letter  writer  away, 
and  seemed  to  include  the  whole  strange 
matter  in  the  way  of  his  regular  duties. 

It  may  be  that  I  had  been  over-credu- 
128 


A  Worldling  on  Society 

lous  in  dealing  with  those  who  sought  me 
without  introductions.  I  frankly  admit 
ted  to  myself  that  I  had  erred  in  not  fully 
investigating  the  claims  on  my  purse — 
but  few  of  which  I  have  told  of  in  these 
memoirs — and  rejoiced  that  in  Martin  I 
was  to  have  protection  from  the  assaults 
of  the  grand  army  of  grafters  who  forage 
freely  on  the  unsuspecting  stranger  in 
New  York. 

But  I  was  become  the  object  of  another 
kind  of  assault  from  which  even  the 
astute  Martin  could  not  save  me,  and  of 
which  I  find  it  painful  to  speak.  Yet  I 
must  not  flinch  from  a  duty  :  I  refer  to 
the  pursuit  of  me  by  mothers  of  eligible 
daughters. 

I  have  been  frank  with  my  readers  to 
no  purpose  if  it  is  not  apparent  that  I 
refer  to  this  delicate  subject  only  because 
a  sense  of  duty  compels  me  to  tell  enough 
of  my  experiences  in  this  respect  to  fur- 
129 


Reuben  Larkmead 


nish  a  warning,  or  a  study.  I  am  sensible 
that  I  was  no  more  sought  than  any  other 
man  of  my  known  wealth  would  have 
been  ;  that  had  I  been  a  person  of  no  in 
tellect  and  without  any  pretension  to 
physical  excellence,  the  quest  for  me — 
for  my  fortune — would  have  been  as 
fierce.  In  brief,  let  the  reader  under 
stand  that  so  far  from  any  boastfulness  in 
this  part  of  my  narrative  it  is  set  down 
with  reluctance  and  embarrassment. 

The  mothers  I  speak  of  are  not  of  the 
class  of  Miss  Babe  Franklyn's  mother,  for 
if  they  were  the  whole  subject  could  be 
dismissed  with  no  more  feeling  than 
Martin  displayed  in  dismissing  the  beg 
ging-letter  writer.  It  was  a  different 
class  of  mothers  who  were  then  swim 
ming  within  my  ken  in  such  numbers, 
and  with  such  grimness  of  purpose,  that 
I  was  almost  as  much  alarmed  as  em 
barrassed. 

130 


A  Worldling  on  Society 

I  have  devoted  so  much  space  to  tell 
ing  of  the  change  in  the  manner  of  my 
living  that  I  must  employ  another  chap 
ter  for  some  account  of  what  it  was  like 
to  be  the  object  of  a  lively  contest  in  the 
marriage  market. 


131 


CHAPTER  EIGHT 

THE  MARRIAGE  MARKET 

ALTHOUGH  the  social  season 
was  not  yet  fully  under  way, 
because  so  many  people  neces 
sarily  included  in  all  great 
or  formal  society  affairs  were 
still  at  their  country  places — 
and,  indeed,  remained  there, 
many  of  them,  until  after  the  Christmas 
holidays — despite  this,  there  was  no  little 
social  activity.  This  was  of  the  small 
and  informal  kind  which  may  precede 
the  return  to  town  of  all  those  entitled 
to  society  prominence  ;  yet  to  me  it  bore 
the  likeness  to  continual  and  elaborate 
gayety.  Even  that  early  in  my  career 
I  was  required  to  make  choice  of  more 
than  one  social  event  every  day,  not  yet 
132 


The  Marriage  Market 


having  advanced  to  the  dexterity  in  such 
affairs  which  enables  one  to  meet  a 
number  of  engagements  the  hours  of 
which  coincide  or  at  least  are  partially 
synchronous. 

I  was  not  yet  sufficiently  versed  in  the 
personnel  of  the  society  register  to  check 
off  those  belonging  to  it  who  were  yet 
out  of  town,  but  I  had  reason  to  believe 
that  few  having  marriageable  daughters 
were  absentees.  I  made  this  comment  to 
Mrs.  Lacquerre,  and  she  rejoined  that  I 
was  getting  on  to  the  game — meaning 
that  I  was  beginning  to  display  acuteness 
of  observation. 

"  It  is  a  fact,  Reuben,"  she  added, 
"  that  mothers  of  marriageable  gals  have 
no  liberty,  no  independence,  no  op 
portunity  for  the  exercise  of  their  own 
preferences  in  their  going  and  coming. 
They  must,  or  think  they  must,  dispose 
of  their  time  so  as  to  miss  no  chance  to 
133 


Reuben  Larkmead 


get  their  gals  well  married.  It  is  not  all 
for  the  sake  of  the  gals,  but  partly  for 
the  sake  of  the  mothers,  that  the 
campaign  is  pursued  so  sleeplessly. 

"  A  woman  whose  gals  are  well  married 
begins  for  the  first  time  in  her  own 
married  life  to  have  a  good  time  of  her 
own.  Then  she  goes  abroad  to  see  what 
entertains  her,  not  to  be  seen  where  the 
gals  may  entertain ;  then  she  may  begin 
to  read — oh,  indeedy,  I  know  of  mothers 
who  have  never  opened  a  book  from  the 
time  they  were  graduated  to  the  time 
they  paid  for  their  daughters'  wedding 
breakfasts ;  then  she  may  stop  at  her 
country  place  after  the  week-end  parties 
are  all  over  and  the  house  belongs  to  the 
owners  again,  instead  of  chasing  back  to 
town  to  get  Mary  Jane  into  the  marriage 
market  before  the  bargain  rush  has  dis 
posed  of  everything  but  the  remnants 
and  misfits." 

134 


The  Marriage  Market 


I  was  aware  that  Mrs.  Lacquerre 
warmed  her  speech  with  some  degree  of 
tropical  hyperbole,  yet  I  gave  some  meas 
ure  of  credence  to  the  remarks  here 
quoted,  owing  to  my  personal  knowledge 
of  the  surprising  industry  displayed  by 
those  seeking  bargains  in  the  marriage 
market.  Some  of  my  own  experiences 
were  a  shock  to  my  modesty. 

It  appeared  that  Aunt  Sarah  reported 
my  income  at  a  sum  very  largely  below 
the  actual  figures,  so  for  a  time  I  was  not 
known  to  be  a  desirable  parti  in  a  worldly 
sense.  Mrs.  Lacquerre  said  that  Aunt 
Sarah  sent  out  "  bear  tips  "  on  me  to 
"  head  off  competition."  She  also  re 
marked  : 

"  Your  Aunt  Sally  knew  that  I  knew 
how  much  you  are  worth,  but  she  hoped 
to  conceal  it  from  the  market  generally, 
and  thus  narrow  the  fight  for  you  to  her 
and  me,  for  her  Josephine  and  my 
135 


Reuben  Larkmead 


Frances.  The  scheme  worked  like  a 
mice  for  Sally,  because  my  gal  is  quite  a 
fool  about  such  things  and  wanted  you 
to  get  out  and  make  a  reputation  before 
you  asked  her  to  get  into  the  ring  with 
you.  While  mammas  generally  did  not 
know  what  a  beatific  income  you  have 
Sally  had  the  field  to  herself.  Then  that 
newspaper  story  about  your  being  one  of 
the  wealthiest  bachelors  in  the  market 
upset  poor  Sally's  plans.  You  are  out  in 
the  open  with  no  closed  season  to  protect 
your  hide,  and  every  mother  of  a  mar 
riageable  gal  in  town  is  taking  a  pot  shot 
at  you." 

It  would  be  unfair  discrimination  to 
give  this  estimate  of  Aunt  Sarah  by  Mrs. 
Lacquerre  without  reversing  the  compli 
ment.  During  a  call  on  Aunt  Sarah  she 
remarked  to  me : 

"  I  believe,   Reuben,  that   that   news 
paper  story  about  you  was  inspired  by 
136 


The  Marriage  Market 


Polly  Lacquerre.  She's  the  most  danger 
ous  woman  in  New  York.  She  won't 
play  fair.  As  soon  as  she  saw  that  you 
were  not  fooled  by  the  affectations  of  her 
posing  daughter  Frances  she  determined 
to  give  me  as  much  trouble  as  possible. 
She  knew  my  natural  desire,  as  your 
aunt,  to  have  you  nicely  married,  but 
she  is  too  odious  to  let  me  alone  in  my 
plans.  Really,  I  am  sorry,  Reuben,  that 
you  so  often  consult  with  that  slangy 
creature,  for  that's  just  what  Polly  Lac 
querre  is,  though  we  were  school  friends." 

The  reader  will  see  by  this  impartial 
report  of  the  comments  of  both  ladies 
that  true  sisterly  harmony  was  absent 
from  the  relations  of  Aunt  Sarah  and 
Mrs.  Lacquerre ;  yet,  perhaps,  that  ab 
sence  supplied  me  with  a  truthful  picture 
of  each — or  a  caricature  having  lines  of 
truth. 

It  was  at  the  interview  just  related  that 
137 


Reuben  Larkmead 


I  asked  Aunt  Sarah  about  the  matter  of 
paying  off  some  of  my  social  debts.  She 
at  once  advised  me  to  give  an  afternoon 
musicale  in  my  apartment.  She  offered 
to  engage  the  musical  talent,  and  in 
structed  me  to  leave  the  matter  of  re 
freshments  in  the  hands  of  my  man, 
Martin,  who  would  have  the  caterer 
bring  in  all  that  was  necessary.  Aunt 
Sarah  kindly  supplied  me  with  an  invita 
tion  list.  This  I  chanced  to  show  to 
Mrs.  Lacquerre,  and  that  impulsive 
lady  laughed  merrily  as  she  scrutinized 
it. 

"  P'chee  !  "  she  exclaimed — I  quote 
her  exact  language,  though  it  loses  a  cer 
tain  piquancy  in  print —  "  P'chee,  Sally 
hasn't  invited  a  gal  whose  face  wouldn't 
stop  a  clock  through  a  veil,  excepting 
hers  and  mine.  My,  my,  what  a  lot  of 
artificial  rosebuds  she  has  bunched  for 
your  party  !  To  be  sure,  you  owTe  most 
138 


The  Marriage  Market 


of  them  attention,  for  their  mothers  have 
been  attentive  to  you,  all  right,  all  right. 
Well,  you  give  this  show,  and  then  I'll 
make  Sally's  hair  turn  gray  by  getting 
up  a  blowout  for  you,  and  having  a  lot 
of  stunning  girls  there." 

I  judge  that  my  entertainment  was  a 
success.  The  guests  seemed  to  have  a 
good  time,  and  the  cost  almost  staggered 
me.  The  artists  were  a  soprano,  a  bari 
tone,  a  tenor,  and  a  pianist  who  also 
played  accompaniments.  When  the  solo 
ists  were  not  employed  an  orchestra 
played.  The  rooms  were  decorated  by  a 
florist  who  seemed  to  have  sold  out  his 
business  to  me,  and  the  refreshments, 
served  by  a  caterer  under  the  supervision 
of  Martin,  were  much  approved  by  the 
guests.  Plainly,  they  knew  a  high  priced 
repast  when  they  ate  one. 

I  had  in  mind  to  relate  the  story  of  all 
the  assaults  made  upon  my  susceptibility, 
139 


Reuben  Larkmead 


but  as  I  consider  the  matter  it  becomes 
agreeable  to  mention  not  more  than  a 
couple  of  instances,  as  samples  which 
must  suffice  for  a  score. 

When  Martin  had  started  the  refresh 
ments,  in  which  the  guests  appeared  more 
interested  than  in  the  music — and,  inci 
dentally,  the  artists  were  also  more  in 
terested  in  their  wine  and  the  women 
than  in  their  songs — a  lady  came  to  me  a 
little  aside  and  said  : 

"  My  dear  Mr.  Larkmead,  what  an  ex 
quisite  apartment  you  have  !  My  daugh 
ter  was  just  calling  my  attention  to  the 
beautiful  taste  you  have  displayed  in 
your  furnishing  and  decorating.  But 
she  is  always  quick  to  discover  merits  in 
others — in  those  really  deserving  praise. 
Still,  it  must  be  a  lonely  life,  without  the 
hallowed  influence  of  family  surround 
ings.  I  said  that  to  my  daughter,  and 
she  replied — promise  not  to  let  her  know 
140 


The  Marriage  Market 


that  I  repeated  her  remark,  for  she  is  so 
sensitive  ! — she  said  :  '  Yes,  mamma,  it 
only  needs  the  refining  atmosphere  a  true 
woman  and  wife  would  impart  to  be  a 
very  heaven  ! '  By  the  way,  there  is  my 
daughter,  now ;  do  try  to  engage  her  in 
a  little  chat  alone.  She  admires  genius 
so  much,  yet  is  afraid  of  being  considered 
bold  if  she  utters  a  thought  of  her  tender 
heart." 

She  signaled  to  a  young  woman  I  had 
noticed  drinking  quite  an  astonishing 
amount  of  champagne  with  the  tenor, 
and  the  maid  moved  to  my  side  as  the 
elder  considerately  withdrew  a  few  paces 
where  she  could,  and,  in  fact,  did,  inter 
cept  several  attempts  of  other  ladies  to 
approach  me. 

Had  I  not  been  assured  of  the  young 

lady's  sensitiveness  I  should  have  judged 

from  certain  physiognomical  signs  that 

she  was  capable  of  finding  her  way  about, 

141 


Reuben  Larkmead 


as  a  saying  is,  without  a  guide  in  almost 
any  kind  of  company. 

"  Your  mother  tells  me  that  you  have 
been  admiring  the  apartment,"  I  began. 

"  Oh,  it's  a  corking  shack/'  she  ad 
mitted,  her  eyes  roaming  about  until 
they  caught  those  of  a  waiter  to  whom 
she  signified  that  her  glass  was  empty. 

"  I  hope  you  have  enjoyed  the  music," 
I  ventured,  when  her  glass  was  refilled. 

"  That  tenor  is  the  cunningest  thing  on 
earth ! "  she  replied  with  enthusiasm. 
"  He's  made  goo-goo  eyes  at  every  girl  in 
the  rooms,  and  we're  having  more  fun 
than  a  monkey  dinner,  getting  a  rise  out 
of  the  little  ass." 

"  That  is  a  form  of  entertainment  with 
which  I  am  not  familiar,"  I  said. 

"  It's  not  bad  fun,"  she  commented  in 
differently.  "  But  business  before  pleas 
ure.  Where's  Mr.  Larkmead,  the  gillie 
who's  giving  the  feed  ?  I  suppose  I  was 
142 


The  Marriage  Market 


trotted  out  to  show  my  paces  to  him 

Goodness  !  mamma,  what's  the  matter  ?  " 

This  diversion  was  caused  by  the 
young  lady's  mother  coming  up  and 
pinching  her  daughter's  arm.  Mamma 
had  overheard  the  conversation,  and 
tried  to  prevent  the  disclosure  that  the 
young  lady  had  not  remembered  me,  and 
did  not  know  to  whom  she  was  talking. 

More  in  sorrow  than  in  anger  I  bowed 
myself  away,  and  soon  saw  mother  and 
daughter  depart  after  telling  Aunt  Sarah, 
who  was  matronizing,  what  a  lovely  time 
they  had  had. 

A  little  later,  refreshments  still  being 
served,  I  was  cornered  by  another  mother, 
bringing  her  daughter  with  her — to  guard 
against  such  a  mistake  as  had  just  been 
made,  perhaps. 

"  My  dear  Mr.  Larkmead,"  began  the 
second  mamma,  "  Dora  would  make  me 
come  to  you  with  her,  to  ask  about  that 
143 


Reuben  Larkmead 


delightful  turnip  sugar  your  mills  make. 
Dora's  fond  of  all  kinds  of  sugar,  but 
since  she  heard  that  you  make  turnip 
sugar  she  won't  have  any  other  kind  in 
her  tea." 

"Possibly  you  refer  to  beet  sugar, 
madam,"  I  said,  somewhat  austerely,  for 
I  do  not  consider  beet  sugar  a  proper  sub 
ject  for  jest,  nor  ignorance  concerning  it 
an  excusable  sin. 

"  Beet  sugar,  to  be  sure,"  exclaimed 
mamma.  "I'm  always  mixed  on  such 
matters,  but  Dora's  up  on  that  and  every 
thing.  Aren't  you,  dear  ?  " 

Dora,  who  seemed  to  be  struggling  not 
to  cry  with  rage,  managed  to  answer, 
"Yes,  mamma." 

"  And  Dora's  so  fond  of  the  West,  too 
— we  went  to  Hoboken  once.  But  I  dare 
say  your  hot-houses  for  beets  are  further 
west  even  than  Hoboken.  Aren't  you, 
Dora?" 

144 


The  Marriage  Market 


"  Yes,  mamma." 

"  And  politics  !  Dora  quite  went  be 
side  herself  with  excitement  when  she 
read  of  your  entrance  into  politics.  We 
had  a  coachman  once  who  became  too 
weak  to  attend  to  his  duties,  and  Dora 
got  him  a  place  on  the  police — she's  quite 
a  politician.  Aren't  you,  Dora?  " 

"  Yes,  mamma." 

"  And  history!  Dora  was  just  raving 
about  the  history  books  on  your  shelves. 
She  reads  all  the  histories — *  When  Mrs. 
Wiggs  the  Virginian  had  the  Leopard 
Spots,'  and  '  Dorothy  Vernon,  or  the 
Knight  of  Haddon  Hall,'  and — and — oh, 
everything  historical.  Don't  you,  Dora  ?  " 

"  But  those  are  not  the  kind  of  his 
tories  on  Mr.  Larkmead's  shelves,"  Dora 
said,  feeling  for  safe  ground. 

"  Oh,  my  darling,  history  repeats  itself, 
as  the  poet  says.  But  if  you  and  Mr. 
Larkmead  insist  on  talking  literature  and 
145 


Reuben  Larkmead 


leaving  me  out  of  the  conversation  I'll 
go  and  get  a  plate  of  salad,"  and  with  an 
encouraging  smile  she  glided  away,  leav 
ing  me  alone  with  Dora. 

I  lacked  words  to  better  the  situation, 
and  for  a  time  Dora  seemed  equally  at  a 
loss,  but  finally  she  said,  "  I  think  '  The 
Madness  of  a  Duchess '  is  too  sweet,  don't 
you?" 

"  Is  it  a  new  candy  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  No,"  she  replied,  looking  surprised. 

"  Ah,  a  new  game  ?  " 

"  It's  the  biggest  six  seller,"  she  re 
torted  with  some  spirit.  "  Everybody  has 
read  it." 

"  Ah,"  I  said,  and  after  another  silence 
which  threatened  to  become  embarrass 
ing,  she  said  she  must  find  her  mamma. 

The  afternoon  proceeded  with  some  de 
gree  of  gayety,  and  before  it  ended  it  is 
likely  that  nearly  all  those  there  knew 
who  was  their  host. 

146 


The  Marriage  Market 


Before  Mrs.  Lacquerre  left  she  came 
to  me  and  said  :  "  Reuben,  you've  done 
well.  I  saw  you  repulse  a  number  of 
attacks  by  old  time  campaigners  and  you 
must  be  tired.  You  may  come  and  dine 
with  Frances  and  me  if  you've  nothing 
else  on  for  this  evening  and  we'll  agree 
not  to  talk  turnip,  sugar  or  history  to 
you."  She  smiled  in  a  way  to  inform 
me  that  at  least  two  of  my  encounters 
were  known,  and  I  agreed  to  accept  her 
invitation. 

I  had  just  dressed  for  the  evening 
when  Martin  informed  me  that  two 
ladies  had  called  to  see  me.  Neither 
his  face  nor  voice  disclosed  what  manner 
of  call  I  was  to  meet,  so  I  was  surprised 
to  find  waiting  for  me  in  the  parlor  a 
woman  in  deep  mourning,  with  a  younger 
woman,  one  of  the  prettiest  I  had  seen, 
but  who  seemed  to  be  suffering  from  a 
painful  cough.  As  I  entered  the  room 
147 


Reuben  Larkmead 


the  elder  woman  rose,  threw  back  her 
veil,  disclosed  a  tear-stained  face,  and  in 
a  trembling  voice  said  hurriedly  : 

"  Mr.  Larkmead,  you  have  just  now 
entertained  women  who  are  beautiful, 
wealthy  and  blessed  with  health.  Will 
you  listen  for  a  moment  to  women  who 
were  once  wealthy  and  one  of  whom  " 
—  her  glance  fell  lovingly  on  her  com 
panion  —  "  was  once  beautiful,  but  is  now 


This  was  uttered  with  such  dramatic 
force  that  I  was  greatly  moved.  I  assured 
her  that  if  it  lay  in  my  power  to  help  her 
I  would  esteem  it  a  favor  to  be  allowed 
to  do  so. 

"  I  will  detain  you  but  a  moment," 
said  the  elder  woman.  "  My  daughter 
is  threatened  with  consumption,  and  is 
ordered  to  go  South  before  the  cold 
weather  sets  in.  But  we  are  penniless  ! 
How  we  became  so,  how  we  were  wronged 
148 


The  Marriage  Market 


by  false  trustees  of  our  estate,  how  we 
have  suffered  in  silence,  I  will  not  say. 
I  would  not  speak  for  myself,  but  could 
I  see  my  daughter,  my  pride  and  treas 
ure,  die,  when  speech  to  one  good  and 
generous  man  would  save  her  life?  I 
am  not  begging  ;  one  remnant  of  our  for 
tune  was  saved — this  jewel.  What  its 
intrinsic  value  may  be  I  do  not  know ; 
but  a  few  thousand  dollars,  perhaps.  I 
could  pledge  it  for  what  I  must  have  to 
save  my  darling's  life,  but  that  I  could 
not  do.  Pledge,  in  a  vulgar  pawn-shop, 
the  first  and  fondest  gift  of  my  dear, 
dead  husband ! " 

She  was  overcome  for  a  moment,  and 
the  beautiful  girl  soothed  her.  Then  she 
resumed  :  "  I,  a  lady,  can  speak  to  you, 
a  gentleman.  Will  you  advance  me  a 
mere  thousand  dollars,  or  will  you  have 
the  life  of  my  innocent  child  on  your 
conscience?" 

149 


Reuben  Larkmead 


She  proffered  me  the  jewel  case,  and 
the  beautiful  girl,  turning  melting  eyes 
upon  me  said :  "If  you  care  for  a  girl's 
faithful  friendship,  a  friendship  which 
will  recognize  its  obligations,  help  us !  " 

Nearly  distraught,  I  hastily  spurned 
the  proffered  jewel  case,  and  said  ear 
nestly  :  "I  am  only  too  glad  to  be  of 
assistance.  I  will  write  a  check  at 


once.'7 


As  I  entered  my  library  I  encountered 
my  man.  "  My  check-book,  Martin  !  "  I 
exclaimed. 

"  For  those  confidence  women  ?  "  he 
asked,  calmly. 

"  For  those  unfortunate  ladies,"  I  re 
sponded  sharply. 

"  Excuse  me,  sir,"  he  continued.  "  If 
you  will  not  believe  me  you  must  prove 
the  truth  by  your  own  ears.  Please  step 
into  the  hall  and  listen." 

I  could  not  resent  this  from  him,  for  I 
150 


The  Marriage  Market 


knew  his  loyalty  and  experience.     In  the 
hall  I  overheard  Martin  say  : 

"  Well,  what  do  I  get  out  of  this  ?  " 

"  What  do  you  mean,  fellow  ?  "  asked 
the  woman. 

"  Come,  now,  no  airs.  I'm  on.  I  want 
my  rake  off  or  I'll  put  the  master  wise," 
responded  Martin. 

The  younger  woman  spoke  :  "  Loosen 
up,  mamma.  It's  always  best  to  tip  the 
valets." 

"  When  I  cash  the  check  I'll  give  you 
fifty  dollars,"  said  the  elder  woman. 

"All  right,"  said  Martin.  "How  do 
you  work  the  jewel  case  now,  empty  or 
with  a  paste  stone  ?  " 

The  woman  replied  in  a  tone  of  pride  : 
"  I  leave  it  empty.  If  the  sucker  opens 
it  I  have  a  fit  because  it's  stolen.  See  ? 
I  used  to  put  in  a  paste  stone,  but  if  that 
is  discovered  there's  no  way  of  squaring 
the  game." 

151 


Reuben  Larkmead 


I  heard  the  young  woman  titter  as 
Martin  left  the  room.  In  the  library 
Martin  simply  said  :  "I  never  happened 
to  see  her  before,  sir,  but  I've  long  heard 
of  her  as  the  cleverest  confidence  woman 
in  the  city.  The  trick  she  works  is  not 
new,  but  she  is  very  successful  with  it,  I 
hear." 

"  Thank  you,  Martin/'  I  said.  "  You 
may  dismiss  them.  You  need  not  wait 
up  for  me  to-night." 

"  Thank  you,  sir,"  replied  my  extraor 
dinary  man. 

Alas,  that  the  mask  of  morality  can 
be  so  trickishly  assumed  by  those  pos 
sessing  the  quality  itself  in  the  least 
degree ;  and  that  the  wanton  at  heart 
may  have  a  face  of  fairest  virtue  !  Is  it 
only  in  the  wicked  world  we  learn  how 
to  armor  our  righteousness?  Must  he 
who  would  improve  the  world  first  be 
improved  by  it ;  must  the  reformer  first 
152 


The  Marriage  Market 


fall     before     he     can     help    others    to 
rise  ? 

That  evening  I  had  a  most  agreeable 
dinner  with  Mrs.  Lacquerre. 


153 


CHAPTER  NINE 

OF  LOVE  AND  ADORATION 

[HEN  will  the  artist  arise  to 
paint  an  adequate  picture  of 
New  York  ?  And  what  will 
he  be — a  Taine,  to  touch  its 
social  life  with  gentle  satire ; 
a  Zola,  to  paint  poor,  simple 
truth  in  garments  of  need 
less  black  and  red  ;  a  Crawford,  first  to 
swiftly  sketch  beginnings,  so  that  we 
may  understand  what  is  now;  a  Dick 
ens,  to  point  only  to  the  light  and 
shadow  cast  by  the  sun  of  one  day; 
a  Tolstoi,  to  reveal  the  hidden?  The 
lightness  and  strength,  the  profundity, 
the  exaggeration,  the  truth  of  them  all 
must  be  in  service  or  the  task  will  but 
be  begun.  There  is  work  for  each,  and 

154: 


Of  Love  and  Adoration 

then  another  must  come  to  help  ;  one  who 
will  treat  history  not  as  romance,  nor  yet 
as  science,  but  as  philosophy,  or  else  the 
work  will  lack  depth,  will  be  but  a  Pre- 
Raphaelite  drawing — a  testimony  to  art, 
not  truth. 

Why  am  I  in  a  mood  to  ask  this,  the 
reader  may  inquire.  However  much  his 
wonder,  mine  exceeds.  I  marvel  that 
only  after  living  in  it  many  months  did 
this  great  city  impress  me  in  this  way. 
Yet  I  think  it  must  be  so  with  many  vis 
itors  ;  many  must  see  only  the  superficial, 
bright  surface  of  New  York,  and  deem 
that  they  have  seen  all  and  be  more  en 
tertained  than  enlightened.  Ah,  what  a 
light  I  have  received  in  both  heart  and 
mind  ! 

An  event  of  one  week  in  the  period 

these  memoirs  have  reached  will  give  me 

a  theme  to  illustrate  my  meaning.    Within 

that  week  two  great  hotels  were  opened  in 

155 


Reuben  Larkmead 


New  York  either  of  which  would  have 
made  a  nation-wide  topic  of  wondering 
comment  not  many  years  ago,  yet  the 
event  passed  with  but  some  casual  press 
notices,  as  a  matter  of  but  slight  general 
interest.  In  one  portion  of  New  York's 
many  sided  social  structure  the  event  was 
of  almost  paramount  importance  ;  on  the 
other  hand,  a  vastly  greater  bulk  of  the 
population  did  not  know  that  such  an 
event  had  occurred,  and  if  they  had  been 
informed  would  have  had  but  slight,  if 
any,  interest  in  the  matter. 

One  hotel,  I  was  told,  stands  for  the 
outlay  of  some  eight  millions.  It  pro 
vides  patrons  with  the  luxuries  the  pal 
aces  of  few  princes  offer,  and  which  only 
American  money  lords  can  afford.  There, 
no  purchasable  luxury,  no  elegance  and 
refinement  of  surroundings  the  world's 
arts  and  sciences  have  produced,  is  not  at 
command.  The  other  is  a  fairylike  pal- 
156 


Of  Love  and  Adoration 


ace  of  pleasure  whose  throngs  of  patrons 
would  seem  to  be  creatures  of  a  life  aside 
from  this  workaday  world,  more  like  the 
radiant  presentments  of  the  footlights 
than  the  realities  of  the  world  of  night 
and  day.  Other  millions — many  of 
them — have  been  poured  into  this  pala 
tial  pile,  all  to  the  purpose,  it  would 
seem,  to  perfect  a  house  of  delight,  a 
magic  spot  whereon  no  seamy  thing  may 
rest.  Light,  color,  music, — these  are  the 
unsubstantial  things  of  which  it  seems  to 
consist. 

Not  alone  to  the  class  of  New  Yorkers 
to  whom  hotel  life  is  a  matter  of  real  con 
cern  as  to  their  comfort,  but  to  the  more 
exclusive,  who  look  upon  that  life  as  they 
do  the  theatre,  as  a  source  of  occasional 
entertainment,  did  these  openings  offer 
subject  of  comment. 

Mrs.  Lacquerre  said  that  we  must  see 
the  new  elephants,  and  I  made  plans  to 
157 


Reuben  Larkmead 


do  so.  I  will  not  occupy  the  reader's  at 
tention  with  observations  on  the  con 
trasting  social  atmospheres  we  experi 
enced  at  the  two  hotels — at  one,  an  air 
almost  as  if  we  were  at  a  private  home  of 
pronounced  richness  and  elegance  ;  at  the 
other  as  if  at  some  festival  of  the  Tuile- 
ries — with  no  hint  of  a  red-capped  figure 
to  affright !  These  might  be  profitable 
speculations  for  a  brighter  pen  than  mine, 
would  be  worthy  a  chapter  by  the  phi 
losopher-historian  I  long  to  welcome. 

But  it  were  futile  for  me  more  than 
thus  to  indicate  the  surging  tide  of  ma 
terialistic  splendor  which  has  risen  over 
New  York.  Ah,  not  all  New  York ! 
That  is  the  point.  Another  New  York 
does  not  so  much  as  know  of  the  existence 
of  these  palaces  whose  openings  were  the 
notable  events  in  the  programmes  of 
pleasure  of  those  at  our  elbows  when  we 
dined  there. 

158 


Of  Love  and  Adoration 


Miss  Frances  Lacquerre  brought  this  to 
my  mind,  and  at  the  same  time  revealed 
a  phase  of  her  life  of  which,  until  then,  I 
had  had  no  intimation.  As  we  sat  at  a 
table  illumined  with  the  soft  rays  of  deli 
cately  shaded  electric  lights,  silently 
served  with  dainty  viands  and  exquisite 
wines,  in  a  hall  rich  with  carvings,  with 
marble  and  bronze,  with  satin  and  silk, 
listening  to  soft  music,  fellowed  by  bril 
liantly  dressed  women,  by  men  in  whose 
faces  one  looked  in  vain  for  trace  of 
worldly  care,  I  said  : 

"  The  senses  have  triumphed ;  Mate 
rialism  is  crowned  king !  Remains  no 
lofty  sentiment,  no  spirituality  in  the 
world.  Without  another  Renaissance 
sweetness  and  light  will  never  again 
soften  and  brighten  the  human  soul.  No 
wonder  that  poetry  is  dead,  music  lan 
guishes,  literature  halts,  high  purpose 
stands  still,  religion,  neglected  by  the 
159 


Reuben  Larkmead 


wayside,  calls  feebly  and  in  vain  for  dev 
otees.  When  last  there  was  a  poet  he 
truly  said : 

"  l  The  world  is  too  much  with  us ;  late  and  soon, 
Getting  and  spending,  we  lay  waste  our  powers, 
Little  we  see  in  nature  that  is  ours. 
We  have  given  our  hearts  away,  a  sordid  boon  ! '  " 

Miss  Lacquerre  listened  to  me  with 
what  seemed  patient  indulgence,  and 
then  said,  "  To  generalize  from  a  single 
instance  is  said  to  be  a  woman's  fault. 
However,  come  with  mamma  and  me  to 
night  and  see — what  you  will  see." 

Mrs.  Lacquerre  regarded  her  daughter 
with  evidence  of  mild  distress,  and  asked, 
"  Must  we  go,  dear  ?  " 

"  I  have  promised,  mamma,"  Frances 
replied.  "I  do  so  little  for  them  it 
would  be  indecent  to  fail  after  my 
promise." 

"  Then  we  must  cut  out  les  glaces,  le 
cafe",  le  fromage,  et  la  fine  champagne  from 
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Of  Love  and  Adoration 

this  dinner,"  Mrs.  Lacquerre  replied  with 
a  sigh.  "  Come,  Reuben  ;  Frances  and  I 
must  change  our  gowns  and  then  you 
may  drive  with  us  and  see  this  astonish 
ing  gal  of  mine  in  a  role  new  to  you." 

We  left  the  dining-room,  with  its  hun 
dreds  of  guests  bubbling  on  a  rising  tide 
of  conversation,  with  the  animated  scene 
at  the  height  of  the  evening's  gayety  and 
glamour,  and  were  driven  to  Mrs.  Lac- 
querre's  residence,  where  the  ladies  soon 
changed  from  their  dinner  toilets  into 
simple  gowns.  Then  we  drove  to  a  part 
of  the  city  I  had  not  before  visited ;  into 
streets  densely  crowded  yet  strangely 
lacking  in  animation,  as  if  the  multitude 
were  listless  from  fatigue  or  lack  of  in 
terest  in  a  further  struggle  for  life.  We 
were  in  the  section  where  population  is 
more  dense  than  anywhere  else  on  earth 
— the  great  tenement  district  of  the  very 
poor. 

161 


Reuben  Larkmead 


At  a  ground  floor  hall,  a  large  room 
which  might  have  been  made  by  throw 
ing  two  or  more  stores  into  one,  we 
stopped,  and  the  carriage  door  was  in 
stantly  surrounded  by  a  pack  of  faces, 
children's  faces,  and  presently  there  arose 
a  cry,  spoken  in  many  strange  dialects, 
"  It  is  Miss  Frances  !  She  is  come  !  She 
will  sing  !  She  would  not  disappoint !  " 
and,  led  and  followed  by  the  children, 
we  made  our  way  into  the  already 
crowded  hall. 

There  we  were  met  by  some  gentlemen 
and  ladies  who  warmly  welcomed  Frances, 
and  to  whom  I  was  introduced.  They 
were  members  of  a  tenement  mission  so 
ciety,  whose  work,  in  part,  is  to  entertain 
children  who  otherwise  would  be  sub 
jected  to  the  night  temptations  of  the 
streets.  Not  all  the  audience  were  young  ; 
there  were  men  and  women,  some  old, 
some  rough  and  villainous  looking,  I 
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Of  Love  and  Adoration 


must  say,  but  all  equally  interested  in 
the  arrival  of  Frances. 

I  must  explain  that  on  certain  nights 
in  the  month  she  sang  at  these  gather 
ings,  and  had  made  herself  a  great  favor 
ite  there.  It  had  been  announced  that 
she  would  sing  there  that  night,  and  be 
cause  of  our  delayed  arrival  there  were 
lamentations  that  she  would  not  come. 
But  the  children,  sometimes  so  wise  in 
reading  character,  had  said,  "  She  will 
come ! "  and  the  elders  had  waited, 
hoping. 

To  say  that  all  this  was  a  surprise  to 
me  but  faintly  expresses  my  feelings.  I 
had  not  even  known  that  Frances  sang 
at  all ;  I  certainly  never  suspected  that 
under  her  worldly  cynicism  dwelt  a  char 
acter  which  would  prompt  her  to  do  such 
work  as  this. 

Or  am  I  wrong  ?  Is  it  possible  that 
such  work  is  largely  done  by  those  whose 
163 


Reuben  Larkmead 


very  worldliness  makes  them  sensible  of, 
sensitive  to  the  suffering  of  those  others 
from  whom  the  luxuries,  the  comforts, 
almost  the  necessities  of  life,  are  with 
held  ?  Do  those  who  deny  the  world,  the 
flesh  and  the  devil  best  prepare  them 
selves  to  fight  what  they  deny  ?  A  train 
ing  to  peace  begets  a  horror  of  war,  but 
does  it  teach  how  best  to  subdue  rebel 
lion  ? 

Places  were  found  for  us  on  a  platform 
where  the  piano  stood,  and  a  young  lady 
went  to  the  piano  ahead  of  Frances  and 
struck  a  few  chords  of  music,  which  were 
greeted  with  frantic  cheers — they  were 
the  signal  that  Frances  would  first  sing 
the  song  best  liked  by  most  of  her 
hearers. 

I  watched  the  faces  of  the  people  as 
Frances,  sweetly  smiling,  stepped  to  the 
front  of  the  platform.  Pale  from  under 
nourishment  and  bad  air,  lined  with  early 
164 


Of  Love  and  Adoration 


toil,  those  faces  brightened  and  were 
transfigured  as  all  eagerly,  breathlessly 
waited  for  the  sound  of  her  voice.  There 
were  women  of  her  own  age,  with  features 
as  faultless,  possibly,  but  in  whose  eyes 
animation  had  been  smothered  by  hard, 
dull  lives.  These,  especially,  looked  at 
Frances  with  wondering  rapture. 

She  sang  a  simple  folk  song  of  Italy, 
and  at  the  first  note,  the  eyes  of  the 
elders  filled  and  those  of  the  younger 
glowed  until  every  shade  of  care  was 
banished  by  the  new  light  of  happiness. 
The  Italians  cheered  wildly  when  she 
finished,  and  then  there  were  loud  de 
mands  for  a  certain  German  song.  This 
she  sang  graciously,  and  her  first  triumph 
was  repeated.  I  looked  at  her  and  saw  a 
transformation  as  great  as  that  in  her  lis 
teners.  Surely,  here  was  not  the  polished 
society  girl  whose  hardness  to  me  had 
been  so  marked  !  Now  her  eyes  were 
165 


Reuben  Larkmead 


soft  and  filled  with  a  great,  understand 
ing  pity,  which  gave  her  an  exalted  love 
liness.  She  smiled  at  the  applause  which 
greeted  her,  and  then  there  arose  a  gen 
eral  demand  for  another  song — "  The 
Star  Spangled  Banner."  This,  I  was 
told,  was  always  asked  of  her  because  the 
children,  the  youngest,  those  still  in 
school,  were  taught  it,  and  in  turn  taught 
the  tune  to  their  elders  at  home. 

I  had  never  been  moved  in  such  man 
ner  and  degree  as  when  the  crowd,  from 
the  old  and  bent,  to  those  who  stood  on 
benches  that  they  might  see  her,  rose, 
and  with  a  very  babel  of  accents,  sang 
the  chorus  with  Frances.  Above  all  the 
others  her  voice  sprang  clear  in  the  high 
notes — exultant,  ringing,  passionate  !  I 
turned  from  the  faces  of  those  who 
watched  her,  adoring,  and  I,  too, 
adored  ! 

Yes,  there  is  a  truth  of  which  I  am 
166 


bin 
I 


Of  Love  and  Adoration 


proud  ;  I  was  as  moved  by  her  loveliness 
as  were  her  simple  listeners. 

But,  oh,  how  repulsed  I  felt !  I,  who 
but  an  hour  before,  with  cock-sure  con 
ceit,  had  talked  of  the  absence  of  spirit 
uality,  of  sweetness  and  light,  maunder 
ing  my  feeble  words  to  a  woman  whose 
life,  secret  from  her  own  world,  was 
spiritual ;  who  was  giving  sweetness  and 
light  from  her  own  rich  store  into  the 
starved  lives  of  a  people  whose  existence 
was  unknown  to  me — to  conceited 
me  ! 

My  power  of  speech  left  me,  and  on 
our  way  home  I  did  not  speak.  Mrs. 
Lacquerre  was  silent  as  I,  and,  I  suspect, 
that  in  spite  of  her  assumption  of  martyr 
dom  at  this  phase  of  her  daughter's  life, 
she  was,  in  truth,  proud  of  it,  and  as 
adoring  as  I. 

As  we  reached  their  home  Mrs.  Lac 
querre  asked  me  in,  saying  :  "  As  we  cut 
167 


Reuben  Larkmead 


short  our  dinner  we  must  see  if  we  can't 
find  something  to  eat  here." 

There  spake  the  simple  worldling — let 
us  adore,  but  let  us  return  to  our  mutton  ! 

As  her  mother  went  to  order  for  us 
Frances  turned  to  me  and  said  :  "  I  am 
only  an  occasional  volunteer  in  that  work. 
There  are  men  and  women — ladies  and 
gentlemen,  if  you  like — who  devote  their 
lives  to  it.  Do  you  think  they  find  there 
a  man,  woman  or  child  who  will  ever 
dine  where  we  dined  to-night?  Do  you 
think  that  with  such  workers  for  the 
spiritual  uplifting  of  the  poor  all  is  ma 
terialism  in  this  city  of  ours  ?  " 

"  It  is  a  strange  city,"  I  said.  "  Life  is 
strange ;  you  are  a  strange  woman — will 
you  be  my  wife  ?  " 

When  I  began  the  speech  I  did  not  in 
tend  to  finish  as  I  did.  It  was  impulsive 
utterance,  spoken,  perhaps,  not  under  the 
spell  of  love,  but  of  adoration,  a  different 
168 


Of  Love  and  Adoration 


emotion,  surely ;  but,  having  said  it,  I 
could  not  refrain  from  saying  again  and 
again,  many  times,  "  Will  you  be  my 
wife?" 

"  Certainly  not !  "  she  replied,  with 
much  conviction.  "  You  have  done 
nothing." 

"  Oh  !  "  I  exclaimed,  with  sudden  light, 
"  is  it  that  work  you  want  me  to  do  ?  " 

"  That,  or  anything  else  which  will 
teach  you  what  the  world  really  is." 

I  was  about  to  protest  that  I  would  do 
anything  for  a  word  of  hope  from  her, 
but  her  mother  entered  the  room,  and  a 
sudden  overwhelming  recollection  that 
the  first  woman  I  ever  proposed  marriage 
to  was  Frances'  mother,  kept  me  silent  in 
humiliation. 

As  I  returned  to  my  apartment  I  ques 
tioned  myself  of  adoration  and  of  love. 
Was  I  in  love  with  Frances  whom  I  cer 
tainly  adored — or  did  adore  as  I  heard 
169 


Reuben  Larkmead 


her  sing.  Is  adoration  love  without 
wings?  Yet  is  it  not  a  more  fleeting 
emotion  than  love  ?  And  what  of  world- 
liness?  Mrs.  Lacquerre  was,  in  a  way, 
more  worldly  than  her  daughter,  yet  she 
imposed  no  qualifications  for  admission 
to  her  world  beyond  those  I  already  pos 
sessed  ;  while  Frances  was  quixotic  in  her 
demands.  Or,  perchance,  was  I  relaxing 
the  pressure  of  my  high  resolves  and  pur 
poses — or  was  I  growing  sleepy.  Any 
way,  I  went  to  bed  and  slept  soundly. 


170 


CHAPTER  TEN 


IS  CUPID  A  CROOK 

WAS  greatly  pleased  within  a 
week  after  our  evening  at  the 
tenement  mission  to  receive 
word  from  Uncle  Silas  that 
he  would  soon  be  in  New 
York.  But  the  tenor  of  his 
letter,  rather  than  any  ex 
plicit  statement  it  contained,  puzzled  me. 
He  expressed  lively  interest  in  all  that  I 
said  about  having  asked  Frances  Lacquerre 
to  marry  me,  and  her  decisive  refusal  of 
my  offer ;  but  his  letter  did  not  say  in  so 
many  words  that  I  might  depend  upon 
his  help  in  changing  her  state  of  mind 
regarding  me. 

Uncle  Silas  did,  to  be  sure,  say  that  he 
much   admired   the   young  lady's  char- 
in 


Reuben  Larkmead 


acter,  and  I  recalled  that  she  had  ex 
pressed  admiration  for  his.  Perhaps, 
thought  I,  this  approval  of  Frances  is 
tantamount  to  an  assurance  that  he  will 
help  me  in  my  suit.  If  he  approves  her 
and  I  want  her — thus  I  argued — I  there 
fore  can  count  upon  his  help. 

I  found  myself  in  unchanged  relation 
to  the  Lacquerre  household,  which  is  to 
say  that  I  was  treated  as  a  member  of  it. 
I  have  often  intimated  in  these  pages  that 
I  derived  delight  from  discussing  my 
plans  with  Mrs.  Lacquerre.  She  was 
sympathetic,  and,  while  she  did  not  agree 
with  my  political  ambitions,  she  did  agree 
with,  and  greatly  help  in  my  determina 
tion  to  devote  a  reasonable  amount  of  my 
energies  to  society  affairs. 

In   this   respect   I   must,  as   I   do   on 

all  subjects,  write  without  concealment. 

While  I  was  not  yet  convinced  that  there 

was  material  grave  enough  for  my  con- 

172 


Is  Cupid  a  Crook 


slant  attention  in  the  affairs  of  the  social 
world  my  views  on  the  general  subject 
were  much  modified  by  experiences,  as 
well  as  by  the  advice  and  counsel  of  Mrs. 
Lacquerre.  She  had  patiently  pointed 
out  to  me  the  advantage  one  of  my 
wealth  and  intellect  gains  by  intimate 
association  with  his  equals,  and  I  had 
come  not  only  to  agree  with  her,  but  to 
enjoy  my  life  as  it  was  directed  by  her. 
I  can,  without  conceit,  assert  that  under 
her  wise  and  friendly  guidance  I  had 
acquired  a  pleasant  aptitude  in  the  art 
of  entertaining  the  men  and  women  I 
met  in  her — in  my — world. 

The  life  of  a  man  of  the  world  is  not 
so  futile,  so  lacking  in  profitable  activi 
ties,  as  I  somewhat  dogmatically  had 
been  prone  to  adjudge.  I  found  that 
entertaining  and  being  entertained  by 
agreeable  people,  having  common  inter 
ests  and  pastimes  had  a  charm  wholly 
173 


Reuben  Larkmead 


unsuspected  by  me  theretofore.  I  was 
even  willing  to  admit  that  in  the  earlier 
days  of  my  intercourse  with  such  people 
I  may  have  displayed  an  almost  uncouth 
determination  to  make  them  consider 
my  pet  themes  to  the  enforced  exclusion 
of  theirs.  I  became  cognizant  that  social 
intercourse  which  is  free  from  annoying 
friction  largely  results  from  an  accommo 
dation  of  acts,  of  views,  of  manner,  even 
of  dress,  to  the  end  that  an  agreeable 
atmosphere  of  repose  may  prevail,  rather 
than  an  air  disturbed  by  petty  cross  cur 
rents  of  aims  and  standards. 

As  I  read  over  what  is  just  here  set 
down  I  am  conscious  that  it  may  impress 
the  reader  as  indicating  a  radical  change 
in  my  ideals.  It  may  be  so,  but  I  must 
tell  frankly  these  things  though  they  ex 
cite  apprehension  at  what  may  be  con 
sidered  a  backsliding. 

I  spoke  of  this  to  Mrs.  Lacquerre,  say- 
174 


Is  Cupid  a  Crook 


ing  that  my  uncle,  when  he  came,  might 
blame  me  for  caring  too  much  for  the 
world  as  I  found  it,  and  not  caring 
enough  to  reform  it. 

She  replied :  "  True,  Reuben,  your 
Uncle  Silas  may  not  agree  with  your 
views,  but  he  will  not  blame  you  for 
holding  them.  He  is  a  man  who  is  con 
tent  only  when  engaged  in  big  and  stren 
uous  affairs,  yet  he  accommodates  himself 
to  the  smaller  things  of  our  social  world, 
and  makes  himself  agreeable  therein  as 
well  as  the  most  devoted  man  of  society. 
When  he  visits  us  he  is  quite  a  beau  to 
Frances  and  me,  yet  is  rushing  all  over 
the  lot,  carrying  deals  through  the  Street, 
as  if  he  held  that  the  chief  task  of  man 
is  to  give  the  financial  world  the  willies. 
That  is  why  Frances  is  so  chummy  with 
him." 

"  Indeed  !  "  I  exclaimed.  "  Is  Frances, 
then,  so  chummy  with  my  Uncle  Silas  ?  " 
175 


Reuben  Larkmead 


"  The  best  ever ! "  declared  Mrs.  Lac- 
querre.  "  You  see  that,  while  Frances  is 
not  yet  nineteen,  and  your  Uncle  Si  is 
my  age,  thirty-nine,  she  is  his  elder  in 
soberness  of  mind  and  severity  of  stand 
ards.  Oh,  they  are  great  pals!  In  one 
sense  he  is  your  junior.  By  the  way, 
Reuben,  just  how  old  are  you? — some 
one  was  asking  me." 

"  I  am  approaching  my  twenty-ninth 
birthday,"  I  replied.  "  You  can  remem 
ber  the  number  as  being  ten  less  than 
the  age  of  my  uncle,  and  ten  more  than 
that  of  Frances." 

"  Ten  less  than  mine,  too,"  commented 
Mrs.  Lacquerre  thoughtfully.  Then  she 
smiled  and  abruptly  changed  the  subject. 

I  reminded  her  that  she  had  promised 
to  matronize  an  entertainment  for  me  at 
my  apartment,  and  as  I  had  an  accumu 
lation  of  social  debts  to  discharge  I  urged 
an  early  date  for  the  affair.  She  named 
176 


Is  Cupid  a  Crook 


a  convenient  day,  and  promised  to  fulfil 
her  agreement  to  have  a  number  of  hand 
some  young  ladies  present,  and  fewer 
mammas  who  would  endeavor  to  carry 
my  heart  by  direct  assault. 

Having  acquired  some  knowledge  in 
the  matter  of  social  entertainment,  I  de 
termined  to  arrange  the  programme  for 
my  afternoon  at  home  without  calling  on 
Aunt  Sarah  for  help.  I  had,  as  a  mere 
exercise  in  composition,  written  a  trifling 
comedy,  based  upon  some  troubles  in  the 
Samoan  Islands,  when  the  diplomats  of 
Germany,  England  and  America,  assisted 
by  the  officers  of  some  war-ships  of  those 
three  countries,  were  all  deeply  involved 
in  an  effort  to  untangle  and  adjust  the 
rival  claims  to  the  Samoan  throne  made 
by  a  couple  of  barefooted  natives,  whose 
posings  before  the  world  were  in  them 
selves  farcical,  yet  brought  three  great 
nations  to  the  verge  of  war. 

m 


Reuben  Larkmead 


Thinking  that  such  a  light  comedy  as 
I  had  written  would  afford  a  suitable 
vehicle  for  an  amateur  performance,  I 
submitted  it  to  Mrs.  Lacquerre  for  her 
judgment.  When  she  had  read  it  she 
said :  "  Your  comedy  is  pretty  good 
tragedy  for  the  professional  stage,  Reu 
ben,  but  for  our  purpose  it  must  be 
adapted  to  make  a  satire  on  the  rival 
claims  of  certain  women  in  the  brass 
band  set  in  New  York.  Their  doings  are 
much  in  print,  but  have  no  more  to  do 
with  swell  society  than  your  Samoans 
had  to  do  with  weltpolitik." 

"  Excellent !  "  I  cried,  "  but  I  am  not 
enough  informed  as  to  the  brass  band 
set's  social  politics  to  adapt  my  play  to 
such  satire." 

"  Oh,  I'll  do  that  for  you,"  she  kindly 
replied. 

She  did,  and  with  such  wit  that  I  was 
amazed,  and  frankly  said  so;  the  more 
178 


Is  Cupid  a  Crook 


amazed  because  her  writing  is  daintily 
witty,  whereas  her  speech,  as  I  have  truth 
fully  recorded,  is  calculated  to  impress 
hearers  with  the  belief  that  her  vocabu 
lary  is  as  limited  as  it  is  brusque. 

"  You  are  deucedly  bright,  Polly,"  I 
said,  and  then  blushed  to  hear  myself  call 
her  by  her  first  name.  She  overlooked 
that,  or  seemed  to,  but  laughed  heartily 
at  my  use  of  the  word  "  deucedly." 

"  You  are  a  transformed  man  ! "  she 
declared,  laughing.  "  Your  use  of  '  deu 
cedly  '  tells  more  than  all  your  tailor's 
extravagances,  your  horses,  clubs,  petits 
soupe*s — than  anything  else.  Bravo,  Reu 
ben  ! " 

Mrs.  Lacquerre's  arrangement  of  my 
modest  little  play  changed  the  rival  kings 
into  queens  :  and  they,  with  their  follow 
ing  of  native  girls,  furnished  the  feminine 
portion  of  the  cast,  and  diplomats  and 
naval  officers  called  for  the  services  of  a 
179 


Reuben  Larkmead 


number  of  my  men  friends.  Mrs.  Lac- 
querre  played  one  of  the  queens  and  Aunt 
Sarah  the  other,  and  their  witty  hits  at 
the  rivals  in  the  brass  band  set  kept  my 
audience  in  merry  mood.  My  part  in  the 
play  was  the  German  Consul,  whose  duty 
it  was  to  make  a  final  decision  as  to  the 
rival  claims  to  the  throne.  Mrs.  Lac- 
querre  was  the  queen  in  whose  favor  I 
was  to  decide,  and  the  action  required 
that  queen  and  consul  rub  noses,  as  is  the 
custom  among  the  natives,  as  a  sign  of 
amicable  relations.  Mrs.  Lacquerre 
looked  bewitching,  having  given  rein  to 
her  pretty  fancy  in  costume — besides  be 
ing  a  person  of  notable  loveliness — so,  at 
the  moment  our  faces  approached  to  rub 
noses,  a  sudden  spirit  of  mischief,  which 
a  few  months  before  I  would  have  con 
sidered  myself  incapable  of  harboring, 
made  me  salute  her  lips  with  mine,  in 
lieu  of  the  nose  rubbing.  The  audience 
180 


Is  Cupid  a  Crook 


saw,  and  laughed  heartily  at  my  daring, 
but  Aunt  Sarah  severely  reproached  me 
for  the  act  as  soon  as  chance  afforded. 
She  reminded  me  that  such  an  act  was 
most  unbecoming  at  any  time,  but  in  her 
presence  it  came  near  being  an  insult,  not 
alone  to  her,  but  to  her  daughter,  my 
charming  Cousin  Josephine.  My  dear 
aunt  was  emphatic  in  expressing  her  hope 
that  my  indecorous  act  did  not  portend 
any  return  of  my  warmth  of  affection  for 
Mrs.  Lacquerre,  and  was  appeased  only 
when  I  assured  her  "of  the  unemotional 
nature  of  our  friendship.  Mrs.  Lacquerre 
laughed  the  incident  away,  as  the  others 
did  at  the  moment,  but  later  took  me  to 
task  about  it  in  terms  which  again  testi 
fied  to  the  variety  of  her  vocabulary. 

"  It  was  a  darn  fool  trick  of  you  to  do," 
she  said  to  me.     "  Not  that  I  am  object 
ing  to  being  kissed  in  public — the  more 
public    the   less   harm.     That's   not   the 
181 


Reuben  Larkmead 


point.  You  are  queering  your  own  pros 
pects,  and  that  is  evidence  of  a  lack  of 
wit  I  hate  to  see — in  you." 

"  My  own  prospects  !  "  I  exclaimed. 

"  Surely,"  she  replied.  "  Here  you  are, 
trying  to  get  my  gal  to  marry  you,  and, 
knowing  what  a  crank  she  is  about  the 
conventionalities,  you  get  gay  in  just  the 
way  which  will  take  you  months  to 
square.  For  a  man  who  is  in  love  with 
Frances,  you  seem  to  know  precious  little 
about  her  make-up." 

For  some  reason  this  view  of  the  situa 
tion  vexed  me,  but  I  politely  responded 
to  Mrs.  Lacquerre  :  "  It  is  true  that  I 
hope  to  induce  Frances  to  change  her 
mind  about  my  proposal.  I  appreciate 
that  with  her  for  my  wife  I  will  have  a 
guiding  light  to  lead  me  toward  the  goal 
of  my  political  ambition  ;  that  in  Frances 
I  will  have  a  companion  who  will  appre 
ciate  and  help  my  intellectual  strivings 
182 


Is  Cupid  a  Crook 


and  spiritual  yearnings ;  with  her  to  ap 
prove  my  efforts  I  know  I  can  make  my 
fellow  man  admit  my  superior  gifts  for 

the  political  uplifting  " 

"  Fudge  !  "  interrupted  Mrs.  Lacquerre. 
"  You  admire  Frances  and  want  her  to  be 
in  love  with  you.  That's  about  all  there 
is  to  that  situation.  Frances  isn't  hank 
ering  after  spirituality  or  any  other  fuddy- 
duddyism ;  she  wants  you  to  make  a  big 
success  of  something  outside  of  society. 
It  isn't  that  she  doesn't  like  society  ;  but, 
having  been  born  into  it,  she  can't  see 
that  it  requires  wit,  wisdom,  struggle  on 
the  part  of  those  not  born  in  it  to  achieve 
it.  She  did  not  have  to  display  any  sort 
of  capacity  to  get  into  the  best  society — 
she  was  born  there,  like  her  parents.  She 
assumes  that  you,  like  the  other  men  she 
knows,  had  your  place  in  society  already 
provided  for  you  to  step  into ;  she  does 
not  see  that  you  have  exerted  a  great  deal 
183 


Reuben  Larkmead 


of  a  certain  kind  of  talent  to  reach  even 
your  present  social  position.  Your  suc 
cess  in  that  line  doesn't  count  in  your 
favor  with  her. 

"  Now,  I'm  not  blushing  behind  my 
fan  because  you  had  the  cheek  to  kiss  me 
when  I  couldn't  help  myself;  I'm  only 
telling  you  that  such  an  act  suggests  to 
Frances  that  you  are,  under  your  funny 
pretense  of  liking  a  hair  shirt,  mighty 
fond  of  a  silk  one.  I'm  different  from 
Frances  ;  I'm  satisfied  with  my  world  as 
I  find  it.  I'm  not  lecturing  you  to  make 
you  a  good  man  as  I  see  goodness,  for 
you're  coming  on  my  way  pretty  strong 
as  it  is  ;  but  as  to  Frances — if  you  don't 
get  busy  along  her  line  of  light  some  man 
who  is  busy  will  land  her,  and  marry  her 
alive  before  our  eyes." 

I  could  not  but  smile  at  her  quaint 
views.  I  hinted  that  if  I  had  shown 
some  of  the  worldly  improvement  she 
184 


"  Widdies  get  awfully  lonesome." — Page  185 


Is  Cupid  a  Crook 


spoke  of,  upon  a  certain  sentimental 
occasion  when  I  did  myself  the  honor  of 
asking  a  charming  widow — who  was  still 
my  good  friend — to  marry  me,  I  might 
have  had  better  luck. 

She  received  this  personal  sally  seri 
ously,  and  after  a  pause  responded :  "Per 
haps  you  are  right,  Reuben.  I'm  not 
sworn  not  to  remarry,  and  it  may  be  that 
with  your  income,  with  your  presentable 
looks — you  are  less  gillified  since  you've 
taken  your  mind  off  politics  and  put  it 
on  the  world — I  might  have  given  a 
different  answer  then.  Indeed,  if  you 
had  then  shown  but  a  sign  that  you 
would  turn  out  a  perfect  man  of  the 
world,  who  knows  what  might  have 
happened  ?  Widdies  get  awfully  lonely 
sometimes,  Reuben.  Now,  run  away, 
hunt  up  Frances,  and  try  to  square  your 
self  with  her  for  having  kissed  her 


mamma." 


185 


Reuben  Larkmead 


I  went  away,  but  did  not  hunt  up 
Frances.  Of  course  I  admired  her,  but 
an  odd  feeling  came  over  me  when  I 
contemplated  marriage  with  her  that 
there,  again,  I  was  a  victim  of  an  un 
intended  confidence  game  played  on  me 
by  my  own  emotions.  For  what,  in  brief, 
is  falling  a  victim  to  a  confidence  game  ? 
It  is  the  beguiling  of  us  through  our 
best  feelings.  As  a  companion  for  the 
skies,  for  a  world  of  angels,  this  visionary, 
fanciful  girl  of  nineteen  would  be  the 
ideal ;  but  in  a  world  of  mere  human 
beings — a  very  good  world,  too,  and  the 
only  one  of  which  we  have  any  positive 
knowledge — the  application  of  a  poet's 
dream  of  ideal  conduct  would  inevitably 
land  us  in  a  marsh  of  misunderstanding, 
and  finally  of  ennui,  from  which  some 
clear  headed  worldling  must  ever  step  in 
and  save  us.  Thus  I  argued,  and  asked 
myself  this  question :  After  all,  is  not 
186 


Is  Cupid  a  Crook 


Dan  Cupid,  in  some  of  his  pranks,  a  bit 
of  a  crook  ? 

There  is  merely  the  academics  of  my 
musing.  Its  practical  aspect  is  repre 
sented  by  the  fact  that  I  did  not,  that 
day  "  hunt  up  Frances  and  try  to  square 
myself  for  having  kissed  her  mamma." 
Instead  of  doing  so  I  made  active  prep 
arations  for  receiving  as  a  guest  in  my 
apartment  my  Uncle  Silas,  from  whom  I 
had  a  telegram  saying  he  would  arrive 
the  next  day.  "  Dear  Uncle  Silas,"  I 
thought,  "  you  are  old-fashioned,  and 
doubtless  a  bit  rusty  in  the  ways  of  the 
polite  world ;  but  in  me  you  have  a  lov 
ing  nephew  who  is  now  prepared  to 
warn,  advise  and  protect  you." 


187 


CHAPTER  ELEVEN 


UNEXPECTED  WEDDING  BELLS 

NCLE  SILAS,  in  one  of  our 
intimate  chats,  of  which  we 
had  many  when  I  had  wel 
comed  him  and  Martin  had 
made  him  comfortable,  said 
that  he  had  been  surprised 
to  find  in  my  letters  to  him 
so  little  which  showed  my  interest  in 
sociology,  in  which  science  I  had  been 
so  well  grounded  at  the  Saccharine 
Academy. 

I  was  glad  to  have  this  frank  criticism 
by  him,  but  I  did  not  admit  that  my 
letters  lack  sociological  value.  I  do  not 
recall  that  in  any  lectures,  nor  in  the 
text-books,  the  science  of  social  phe 
nomena — sociology — was  defined  as  social 
188 


Unexpected  Wedding  Bells 

development  of  the  lower  strata  of  so 
ciety,  rather  than  in  the  strata  nearer  the 
top.  Concerning  the  latter  I  certainly 
had  written  to  him  at  length.  And  why 
not?  Is  it,  as  the  political  demagogue, 
the  sensational  press,  would  have  us  be 
lieve,  that  the  lower  classes  alone  are 
worthy  the  consideration  of  thoughtful 
men  ?  No !  In  botany,  do  we  neglect 
the  rose  because  of  its  beauty  ;  the  violet, 
because  of  its  sweet  perfume  ?  Why, 
then,  should  he  have  been  surprised  that 
my  letters  were  largely  about  the  roses 
and  violets  of  society,  instead  of  ill 
smelling  weeds?  The  latter  have  their 
uses  and  their  place,  no  doubt,  but  have 
not  the  rose  and  violet  as  well  ? 

Uncle  Silas  was  disposed  to  be  merry 
at  what  he  asserted  was  a  great  change  in 
my  views  of  life,  which  he  attributed  to 
the  fact  that  I  found  myself  possessed  of 
greater  aptitude  for  agreeableness  to  peo- 
189 


Reuben  Larkmead 


pie  of  my  own  class  than  to  the  sub 
merged  class  of  whom  I  once,  he 
reminded  me,  thought  so  highly — 
theoretically. 

"  Reuben,"  said  Uncle  Silas  to  me  dur 
ing  one  of  our  chats,  "  the  only  time  you 
attempted  to  address  an  audience  of  the 
lower  class  here  in  New  York,  I  am  told 
that  you  had  to  thrash  your  hearers  be 
fore  they  would  listen  to  you.  You  find, 
however,  that  audiences  of  your  own  class 
will  listen  to  you  without  the  help  of  the 
police  to  make  them  do  so,  and  therefore 
you  have  become  an  aristocrat,  a  butter 
fly  of  fashion,  a  devotee  of  the  futile  five 
o'clock  tea,  a  connoisseur  in  the  arts,  a 
follower  of  the  foibles  of  the  day." 

One  does  not  always  take  Uncle  Silas 
seriously,  but  to  humor  his  vein  I  chal 
lenged  his  statement,  and  he  responded 
with  a  formidable  bill  of  particulars. 
Until  he  reminded  me  precisely  what  my 
190 


Unexpected  Wedding  Bells 

avocations  were,  day  by  day,  I  had  not 
realized  how  wholly  my  time  was  oc 
cupied  with  matters  which  I  would  have 
looked  upon  as  profitless,  or  even  some 
what  wicked,  but  a  few  months  be 
fore. 

And  yet,  why  is  not  the  study  of 
the  higher  classes  of  society  valuable 
to  the  student  of  sociology?  Wherein 
is  that  study  wicked,  even  profitless? 
Surely,  it  is  of  as  much  value  to  the 
student  to  understand  the  phenomena 
of  polite  people,  to  study  their  ac 
tivities,  as  to  concern  oneself  about 
the  plans  and  hopes  of  some  millions 
of  people  who  get  along  very  well — or 
ill,  as  the  case  may  be — without  our  ob 
servations,  or  conclusions  thereon. 

When  I  said  something  to  this  effect  to 

Uncle  Silas  he  responded  heartily,  "  Of 

course,  my  boy  !     The  fewer  people  you 

try  to  understand  for  the  fun  of  it,  the 

191 


Reuben  Larkmead 


better  you'll  understand  the  few  you 
must  understand  for  your  own  safety." 

This  struck  me  as  being  unscientific — 
but  true. 

After  the  arrival  of  Uncle  Silas  I  be 
came  engaged  more  than  ever,  if  possible, 
in  society  duties.  He  is  a  preacher  of 
the  gospel  of  doing  things,  and,  in  truth, 
did  everything  but  sleep ;  thus  making 
it  possible  to  work  all  day  with  affairs 
in  the  financial  district  and  participate 
most  of  the  night  in  affairs  of  the  polite 
set  in  which  I  had  become  a  not  incon 
spicuous  member.  His  sister,  my  dear 
Aunt  Sarah,  claimed  his  evenings  ex 
clusively  for  a  time,  but  later  he  accepted 
engagements  I  made  for  him,  and  these 
usually  included  Mrs.  Lacquerre  and  her 
daughter  Frances. 

This  was  after  Uncle  Silas  remarked, 
"  Dear  sister  Sally  " — meaning  my  aunt 
— "  is  a  bit  persistent  in  mulling  the  sub- 
192 


Unexpected  Wedding  Bells 

ject  of  your  marriage  to  her  daughter,  to 
be  entirely  entertaining  to  a  man  some 
what  inclined  to  mull  the  subject  of  his 
own  marriage." 

"  What !  "  I  exclaimed,  laughing  at  the 
absurd  thought.  "  Are  you  seriously 
thinking  of  marriage,  Uncle  Silas?" 

"Why  not,  Master  Impertinence?"  he 
responded.  "  The  reason  I'm  not  married 
is  because  I've  not  had  time  to  commit 
matrimony.  I've  been  too  busy  making 
my  own  fortune  and  increasing  yours  to 
give  the  hour  I  suppose  one  should  de 
vote  to  the  choice  of  a  wife — or  finding  a 
woman  who'll  have  him.  I  believe  I 
could  now  take  an  hour  off  for  the  pur 
pose — if  I  got  up  uncommonly  early  one 
day." 

"  I  have  often  thought  of  your  marry 
ing  Mrs.  Lacquerre,  Uncle  Silas,"  I  said 
to  him,  "  and  with  pleasure,  for  she  has 
been  such  a  good  friend  of  mine ;  but, 
193 


Reuben  Larkmead 


really,  it  will  be  a  cruel  turn  to  deprive 
me  of  my  best  chum.  Couldn't  you  find 
some  one  else  who  would  suit  you  as 
well?" 

He  replied,  looking  at  me  whimsically, 
"  That  is  the  most  selfish  speech  I  ever 
heard.  Here  are  you,  making  suit  to  the 
daughter,  yet  you  want  also  to  retain  the 
mother  as  a  friend — an  unmarried  friend! 
However,  if  you  seriously  object  to  my 
marrying  Mrs.  Lacquerre,  and  thus  de 
priving  you  of  your  chief  adviser,  pro 
moter,  chum  and  guide,  I  will  look 
around  this  little  old  island  of  Manhat 
tan  to  see  what  else  offers.  You  promise 
not  to  object  to  my  second  choice,  who 
ever  she  may  be  ?  " 

I  responded  in  the  same  half  serious 
vein  that  I  would  urge  no  further  objec 
tion,  but  that  I  could  not,  with  fortitude, 
think  of  Mrs.  Lacquerre  marrying. 

In  truth,  such  was  the  fact.     Although 
194 


Unexpected  Wedding  Bells 

I  was  still  decorously  pursuing  my  suit 
for  the  hand  of  Miss  Frances — with  no 
more  success  than  at  first — it  was  with 
her  mother  I  found  myself  more  often 
thrown  in  companionship.  If  we  made  a 
partie  carre*e  Mrs.  and  Miss  Lacquerre, 
Uncle  Silas  and  I,  for  the  theatre,  opera, 
dinner,  or  for  some  of  the  many  private 
society  events  with  which  the  season  was 
rapidly  filling,  it  was  with  madame, 
rather  than  la  fille,  I  was  disposed  to  pair 
at  table,  in  strolls,  in  the  box,  wherever. 
It  was  not  agreeable  to  be  intimately  as 
sociated  during  an  entire  evening  with  a 
young  lady  who,  during  the  afternoon, 
without  heat  or  passion,  but  with  per 
sistent  calmness,  had  repeated  a  refusal 
to  marry  you.  So,  perforce,  Uncle  Silas 
was  thrown  with  Miss  Lacquerre.  She 
did  not  seem  to  be  bored  with  his  com 
pany,  but,  on  the  contrary,  appeared  gen 
uinely  interested  in  his  accounts  of  Wall 
195 


Reuben  Larkmead 


Street  activities,  of  his  moves  on  the 
chess  board  of  haute  finance.  So 
madame  and  I  were  left  to  our  own  re 
sources  and  interests. 

One  morning,  some  hours  after  uncle 
had  gone  into  Wall  Street,  but  while  I 
was  yet  at  breakfast,  my  groom  informed 
me  that  my  saddle-horse  was  at  the  door, 
and  I  hurried  to  be  off  on  a  promised 
canter  through  the  Park  with  Mrs.  Lac- 
querre.  Miss  Lacquerre  was  not  to  ac 
company  us,  as  she  had  promised  to  lunch 
with  Uncle  Silas  in  the  city,  and  after 
wards  attend  with  him  a  meeting  of  bank 
ers,  whereat  he  was  to  make  an  address. 

The  park  was  lovely  that  morning,  for 
the  keenness  of  winter  was  not  in  the  air, 
which,  however,  was  almost  intoxicating 
in  its  stimulating  qualities.  My  com 
panion  was,  as  usual,  a  fine  and  spirited 
figure  on  horseback,  and  I  felt,  even  saw 
in  the  looks  of  some  we  passed  in  the 
196 


An  uninterrupted  afternoon.  —  Page  197 


Unexpected  Wedding  Bells 

paths,  that  I  was  not  an  unbecoming  gal 
lant  for  the  lady. 

When  the  ride  was  over,  Mrs.  Lacquerre 
graciously  said  I  might  lunch  with  her 
and  entertain  her  until  the  return  of 
her  daughter  from  her  engagement  with 
Uncle  Silas.  I  experienced  lively  pleas 
ure  from  the  prospect  of  an  uninterrupted 
afternoon  with  the  lady.  Her  society 
was  most  congenial  to  me,  and  I  had 
come  to  believe  that  mine  was  not  dis 
tasteful  to  her.  I  confess  that  I  enter 
tained  this  belief  humbly,  not  with  the 
vanity  with  which  I  once  estimated  the 
desirableness  of  my  company.  I  recalled, 
as  I  enjoyed  the  prospect  of  a  tete-li-tete 
with  her,  that  once  I  was  so  lost  in  con 
ceit  and  idiocy  that  I  looked  upon  an 
offer  of  marriage  to  the  lady  as  a  compli 
ment  and  honor  to  her !  Now  I  was 
humbly  thankful  that  she  would  grant 
opportunity  for  me  to  be  in  her  presence, 
197 


Reuben  Larkmead 


with  no  doubt  as  to  who  was  conferring 
the  compliment,  the  honor ! 

At  lunch  and  for  a  time  afterwards  we 
talked  of  affairs  relating  to  our  social 
plans.  "  Our "  plans,  I  say,  for  during 
the  previous  few  months  we  had,  insensi 
bly,  merged  our  plans ;  she  advising  and 
helping  me  with  mine,  and  making  them 
part  of  her  own,  I  holding  myself  ready 
at  all  times  to  assist  her  in  any  way  a 
man  may  be  useful  in  such  respects.  But 
soon  we  were  talking  of  other  things  :  of 
her  wish  to  travel  abroad  again,  and  the 
hindrance  Miss  Lacquerre  was  to  her 
plans.  "  I  wish,  Reuben,"  she  suddenly 
exclaimed,  and  with  unusual  earnestness, 
"  that  you'd  hurry  up  and  convince 
Frances  that  you  are  the  man  she  should 
marry  and  take  her  off  my  hands.  Then 
I'd  have  leisure  to  do  a  little  independent 
planning  for  my  own  amusement.  Won't 
the  girl  have  you  ?  " 
198 


Unexpected  Wedding  Bells 


Some  emotional  impulse  made  me  ask, 
"  Then  are  you  so  anxious  that  I  should 
marry  Frances  ?  " 

"  Of  course  I  am,"  she  replied  stoutly, 
but  she  blushed  as  she  said  it,  and  I 
quickly  persisted  :  "  If  Frances  married 
some  one  else  it  would  effect  your  liberty 
as  well  as  would  her  marriage  to  me." 

"  To  be  sure,"  the  lady  assented.  "  But 
I'd  like  to  have  the  thing  over  with.  I 
could  marry,  too,  if  Frances  were  off  my 
hands." 

"And  would  you  then  marry?"  I 
asked  with  meaning,  for  the  thought  of 
Uncle  Silas  came  strongly  into  my  mind. 

"  That  is  not  for  you  to  ask,"  she  re 
plied,  and  I  saw,  as  much  from  her  tone 
as  her  words,  that  she  understood  the 
personal  application  of  my  question,  and 
was  steering  away  from  an  embarrassing 
topic.  In  short,  I  will  say  in  so  many 
words  that  Mrs.  Lacquerre  understood 
199 


Reuben  Larkmead 


me  to  ask,  by  indirection,  if  there  were 
hope  for  me,  rather  than  Uncle  Silas,  in 
her  favor,  should  Frances  marry  some 
one  else. 

The  situation  was  involved  ;  I  was  the 
avowed  suitor  of  the  lady's  daughter,  yet 
confessing  that  my  old  love  for  the  lady 
had  returned — if  it  had  ever  gone  ! — and 
half  convinced  that  the  lady  looked  upon 
me  with  approval,  certainly  with  more 
favor  than  upon  the  occasion  of  my  as 
tounding  first  offer  of  marriage  to  her. 
But  what  could  I  do  ?  I  was  bound,  in 
honor,  to  pursue  my  suit  of  the  daughter 
so  long  as  there  seemed  a  chance  that  I 
might  succeed.  Yet  I  was  tortured  with 
doubts  as  to  my  standing  in  the  heart  of 
this  lad}r  I  truly  loved,  but  to  whom  I 
was  equally  in  honor  bound  not  to  make 
another  proposal  of  marriage — certainly 
not  until  I  should  be  finally  refused  by 
her  daughter. 

200 


Unexpected  Wedding  Bells 

It  was  with  a  mind  tortured  with  acute 
suspense  that  I  said  to  Mrs.  Lacquerre, 
"If  it  should  turn  out  that  I  am  so  far 
from  your  daughter's  ideal  of  a  husband 
that  I  must  abandon  my  suit  for  her 
hand,  may  I  begin  to  try,  humbly  and 
patiently,  to  win  your  love?" 

Mrs.  Lacquerre's  pose  of  manner  with 
me  had  been  of  brusque  good  nature. 
She  seemed  disposed  to  deny  any  senti 
mentality,  to  be  indifferent  to  emotional 
interests  and  seek  to  convey  the  impres 
sion  that  she  was  as  hard  within  as  pol 
ished  outwardly.  I,  of  course,  had,  long 
before  that,  seen  through  this  mask,  saw 
that  she  was  a  lady  susceptible  to  many 
emotional  moods,  was  as  sentimental  as 
witty,  and  affected  otherwise  to  prevent 
appeals  to  that  concealed  side  of  her  na 
ture  ;  yet,  knowing  this,  I  was  still  un 
prepared  to  see  tears  in  her  eyes  as  she 
replied  to  my  question  :  "  Oh,  the  deuce 
201 


Reuben  Larkmead 


of  it  is,  Reuben,  that  you  need  not  begin 
to  try  to  win  my  love — you've  won  it  al 
ready  !  " 

Then,  to  my  immeasurable  surprise 
and  distress,  she  began  to  weep,  and 
hurried  from  the  room.  I  sat  in  a  daze 
of  happiness  until  she  returned  and 
smilingly  said  : 

"  There  1  I've  made  a  fool  of  myself, 
and  perhaps  it's  done  me  good.  It's  all 
over  now — I  hope  it  is,  for  I've  powdered 
my  nose — so  we'll  never  speak  on  the 
subject  again.  Now  let's  talk  about — 
the  weather." 

I  understood,  and  plunged  into  talk  of 
impersonal  subjects,  but  we  were  progress 
ing  indifferently  when  a  servant  entered 
and  gave  Mrs.  Lacquerre  a  telegram.  She 
opened  and  read  it,  and  became  as  one 
stunned.  Seriously  alarmed,  I  rose  to  go 
to  her  assistance,  for  she  seemed  like  to 
fall  from  her  chair,  but  suddenly  she  be- 
202 


Unexpected  Wedding  Bells 

gan  to  laugh,  somewhat  hysterically,  then 
looked  at  me  as  if  frightened,  crumpled 
the  telegram  into  a  ball,  tossed  it  to  me 
and,  for  the  second  time,  hurriedly  left 
the  room. 

The  telegram,  dated  Philadelphia,  read 
as  follows : 

"  Frances  and  I  married  this  afternoon. 
"  Silas  Larkmead. ," 

Surely,  dear  reader,  the  god  out  of  the 
machine  had  appeared  in  the  person  of 
my  Uncle  Silas.  I  knew,  perhaps  had 
known  for  many  weeks,  that  my  true 
love  had  been  won  by  Mrs.  Lacquerre; 
not  by  Frances,  who  had  so  suddenly  be 
come  my  aunt ! 

I  have  written  these  pages  without  wit 
if  the  reader  has  failed  to  see  that  I  can 
be  a  man  of  action.  Truly,  I  proved  to 
be  one  in  this  emergency ;  for,  so  soon  as 
I  was  able  to  calm  my  dear  lady,  I  was 
203 


Reuben  Larkmead 


again  on  my  knees  at  her  feet,  urging  my 
suit,  and  reminding  her  of  her  confession 
that  I  had  already  won  her  love. 

For  a  time  she  was  obdurate  in  refus 
ing  to  give  me  the  answer  I  prayed  and 
begged  for.  It  appeared  that  she  had  so 
long  thought  of  me  as  one  certain  in  the 
end  to  wed  her  daughter,  she  could  not 
at  once  readjust  her  view  to  a  changed  re 
lation.  She  had  been  surprised,  she  said, 
into  her  confession  of  love ;  she  must  ex 
amine  her  heart  closely  to  be  sure  that 
this  was  the  love  she  should  give  to  a 
husband. 

But  I  met  every  objection  with  persist 
ent  persuasion,  until  she  finally  con 
sented. 

Our  wedding  was  not  a  large  one,  as  the 
saying  is,  but  it  was  perfection  in  all  its 
social  details.  As  to  these,  Uncle  Silas 
and  his  bride  took  a  deep  and  helpful  in 
terest,  for  the  reason,  as  Uncle  Silas  re- 
204 


Unexpected  Wedding  Bells 

marked,  "  Frances  and  I,  having  made  it 
possible  for  you  and  Polly  to  marry,  we 
feel  that  we  should  do  all  we  can  to  pro 
mote  a  perfect  wedding  for  two  perfect 
worldlings." 


THE    END 


205 


